im 18 and new to this site.

ive already sifted through some of the advice on the site and i can't figure out what would work best for me.
maybe the other users can help me.

I've had trouble with internet and MZL since i was 13. I've tried many times to correct the problem by myself. i got k9 on my computer, and threw out my ipod with internet capability. this has solved some of the problems but far from all of them. these are the main 3 which hopefully i could get help with.

1. there are always ways around filters. however this problem wont be nogeah for much longer because i will be going away to yeshiva where there is zero access to internet.

2. i am constantly plauged with hirhurim that are spiced up with all the things I've ever seen and read so they are particularly strong.

3. as a result of problems 1 and 2, it is seemingly impossible to stop the masturbation. even without problems 1 and 2, ive already become addicted to doing it although I've worked my way down from daily to weekly and sometimes every two weeks, but any time past that, the yetzer hara finds a way to get me.

WHAT CAN I DO?

Welcome and good move to join

A commitment to stop should usually be your first stop

Read some of the handbook and the 12 steps that can be found on the top of the screen, or dropdown menus.

Perhaps you can tell a mashgiach, or someone youre close to...I know that's not always possible.

Let us know how you proceed.

b'hatzlachah

Welcome YeshivaBoy,

As cordnoy has said and Skep just wrote in his thread, the first step is commitment, what are you willing to do in order to stop this?

Second, We all agree that filters are not the solution, what needs ot be done is we need to start living differently, living outside of ourselves not inside oursleves!!

Opening up to someone is extremely helpful, if you can find a safe person.

Hatzlacha Rabbah

thanks for answering.

ive glanced at the handbook and im excited to study and utilize the 20 tools.

ive also looked at the 12 steps and im afraid i dont understand them so well. ive already done at one time or another steps 1-7 and 10-11. 8 and 9 dont apply BH. and i cant imagine doing twelve until i get on my spiritual feet.
i assume im doing something wrong based on the high regard that everyone has for it.
Do you think you could explain to me what its really about?

do u

I would like to use the taphsic method as a meens of defense but i'm a little scared to use it.

I had made nedarim in the past such as "for every fall I have during the next two weeks, ill give 75$ to tzedaka by a certain date".
The problem is that I fell several times during this period and others like it. I paid some of the money but the amount i owed was too much, and i still haven't paid yet.

I know that nedarim are serious things, but I can't bring myself to give away hundreds of dollars.

Is there a hettar to not fulfill the neder? Maybe I'm considered and Oneis?

Also, until I settle the matter of my previous nedarim, I can't use the taphsic method.
I would probably find it hard to use it as a meens of defense when I've already broken other nedarim.
The YH would easily get around it.

Any advice?
(sorry for rambling)

Welcome Brother!! You've come to right place!!


About taphsik: The point is not just to make a neder etc. The brilliant plan consits of having to pay a knass IF YOU DON'T do a certain activity. For example "In the next two weeks if I have a fall, and didn't go for a 20min jog beforehand (valid for 1 h), I will have to pay 500$. If I did go for a that jog and still fell, I will only pay 50$. The point of taphsik is not to punish yourself, its primary function is to get out of danger.

If you do want to continue a taphsik, I suggest you use something that doesn't involve money. Like saying the entire or half of tehilim for the big knass(-if you dint take to jog or walk). And maybe 25 for the small one(-if you did the activity and still fell).



About your old nedarim, you would have to go to a rov and be matir neder. He may ask you for details however. But try to get it resolved, not fulfilling a neder is very serious. I don't see any other heter, its definitely not an oness. Failing to keep to the date you specified is no good.. but it doesn't cancel the entire neder.


Giving it some more thought,
How much do you owe? Maybe we can make a GYE campaign to get this settled. Id give 30$ to tzedakah for you.. Guys?
(BTW you would have to hand it to someone else to make "zochin leodom shelo befanav" and then only give it to tzedakah)

YeshivaBoy wrote:


Wow! Sounds like you're really committed to doing whatever it takes to get past this.

Three things you will need to accomplish:

1. Sobriety means complete abstinence from the drug. For us, this means extreme shmiras eynayim in all settings. No looking at any part of a woman unless absolutely necessary. Obviously, it means not looking at ridiculously untznius pics of them on various devices. You're right, filters don't work. The only thing that's going to work in your situation is to keep away from the devices. That's what commitment is going to mean. By the way, that's where Taphsic would fit in. Make a neder that you won't pick up an ipod or get on the internet except to come here, and only in a very public place. Taphsic vows not to masturbate don't work. You need to back things way up -- set gedarim. Because once we're warmed up by this taivah, we're finished.

2. So that's your eyes -- battle number 1, and it's pretty much totally up to you. Battle number 2 is your mind. I am very familiar with the incessant, intrusive thoughts, images and fantasies that plague us. The only thing that has worked for me is to detect them trying to land and avoid them at the start. I do this by davening and asking Hashem to take this image, this thought, and my lust along with it. I verbally surrender my lust (my right to lust) to Hashem, and ask him to take it. Over and over again. Because I really can't afford to lust. Not even a teeny bit. Because that teeny bit, that little sip, will feed my lust. My goal is to keep it starved. It's all or none.

3. Get back into real life. Get together with friends and do things together. Go for a walk, a hike, canoeing, bowling, skating (too many girls), for pizza or ice cream (if you're not also struggling with overeating). Whatever. Have real relationships with real friends.

When you do this, let me know how it's going, ok?

To Avrom, thank you for responding.

I dont know exactly how much I owe, but I know it's in the vicinity of 500$.
I'm just going to have to pay it. (My deadline for paying isn't up yet.)
I should probably do more than that because I dont know the exact number and I know how dangerous it is not to fulfill a neder.

I appreciate your kind offer but I can't see it happening practically while retaining my anonymity.

About taphsik, the tehillim idea seems great. I'm curious when is the taphsik made? week by week/month by month, or each time I feel a temptation?

I really appreciate your help, and the help of the entire GYE

To AlexEliezer,

Thank you for responding and for your kind words. They really mean a lot to me.

I agree strongly about what you said that "You need to back things way up -- set gedarim. Because once we're warmed up by this taivah, we're finished."

As for the battle of the mind, I find that taking time to ask for removal of the images, tends to get me to dwell on them for a longer amount of time.

"I verbally surrender my lust (my right to lust) to Hashem, and ask him to take it."
Can you describe what it is you say, and how verbally surrendering your lust works?

'if you feel your life is unmanagable and your are powerless over lust'(emphasize) it might save a lot of time if you started with the 12 step phone calls.personally i spent a lot of time dabbling trying to convince myself i would manage with the tools.
I very much identify with your knas failure i said i would say the whole tehilim every time i fell for a month,and i said the whole tehilim practically the whole duration of the month.
Get yourself on one of the calls and get the freedom not only from lust but fear and resntments and other manifestations og ego that are thr real causes of lust.Have a great life,keep smiling and keep in touch!
The call number can be found in the 12 step section of the website.

YeshivaBoy wrote:


Once you feel temtation there is usually no strenth to make a taphsik. Do it before.
About the paste, here is what the Handbook says:

We can keep making minor adjustments as we go along. That is why it's best to make the vow only for a week at a time at first, and then maybe a month... (We must make sure to renew the shvuah BEFORE it expires. Often the addiction convinces us that we’re doing OK, only to catch us off guard when we suddenly realize that the shvuah has expired!). Once we are confident and comfortable with the vow and see that it really works for us, we may need to make this vow only once a year!

Make sure to read the entire Taphsik section before making any shvua

Hatzlacha!!

YeshivaBoy wrote:


I think it works because tefilla works. It is also a constant reminder that I cannot handle lust. I cannot dabble in it. I cannot use it at all. I must give back (surrender) my right to lust to Hashem. Also, I am constantly reaffirming my commitment to living without lust.

This is what I say:

Ribono Shel Olam, I am powerless over lust and my life has become unmanageable.
Only You can restore me to sanity.
I turn my life and my lust over to Your care and ask You to please heal me from this illness of lust. I don’t want to lust. I only want You and a relationship with You and Your Torah. I surrender my lust to you. Please take my lust.

The people who succeed here are the ones who get this. They understand that they cannot dabble in lust. They have a stubborn will to avoid it and anything that will bring them to it. They end up appearing very frum. Could be worse things I suppose

Welcome YeshivaBoy! (Can't beleive that name hadn't been taken yet) Anyway, I was in your shoes about 20 years ago. It is VERY difficult. It does not get easier with marriage. You are fortunate to be taking steps now to deal with it!

The 12 steps in not something you can read. There is a Torah shebal peh to it so to speak. There is some great material in the ebooks section on it. eye.nonymous wrote some good stuff on it. I have some other good resources in my signature like "dov quotes" and dr sorotzkin. They both had a positive impact on me.

Does anyone know about your "problem"? Getting out of isolation is key. I met people through the forum and that has made a big difference. I acted out for over 20 years. B"H I am over 4 years sober now.

If you are going to yeshiva in Israel. Check out the OINK thread. Maybe there is room for you at the mushroom table . see here guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/211337-OINK-OYNK#211337 .

Hatzlacha Rabbah!

Hey gibbor, Mazal Tov on your new link!!!

Thanks,

Someone noticed. I tinkered with my links thread too.