cordnoy wrote:

Yes, but most of us only "say" we are doing G-d's will. In reality, most of our "service" is self-centered. The 12 steps help us do G-d's will and let go of our own egos, so that our service is G-d-centered.

thank you all for such support! I honestly kinda didn't expect it and it was a little
overwhelming! so to clarify what i meant: i've convinced myself in my heart that its ok to do this aviera just like the gemara. it's so enjoyable that i know for sure that it's my biggest challenge in life and my biggest fear in my entire life is to gain a family iyH and lose them for any reason ESPECIALLY!!!! this reason which i would never ever forgive myself for. im still a bachur and i know that i need to be cured before dating and i keep meaning to do well but i keep struggling! but its not even a struggle i intentionally look up things because of how enjoyable it is, more than any other pleasure.

i was looking at one of the guides that said make a fence and my longest streak was like 150 days because i said i would charge myself like 100 shek (yeshiva days) and hafta give it to my rebbe as tzedaka (hes a tzadik and it was his idea). i told him then, like two years ago, how afraid i was of being enslaved
like i completely am today. so in my last fall i made a $100 wager (still a college guy, so thats a fortune) for a week clean. it's extremely diffficult for me because my heart wants its greatest
enjoyment so much.

i want to be free. i really do. i know i still left a million questsions unanswered and i've got dinner now
but i just want to say i appreciate all the support. thanks guys!

Welcome!

From bachur to bachur, this is what I have learned:

Having the goal "to get cured" before dating is 1000% valid reason!! Its scary and I really can relate.. However it's doesn't change anything!! It's just FEAR.. But just like "smoking kills" has not stopped millions of smokers this is no different. It's a "wake up call" to reality, but it can't stop there. And even if this it stops us - what happens after marriage iyh?? What will stop us then?


The only way to get "cured" is to accept, that you are ready to work on yourself. Working on yourself - even after marriage! The struggle doesn't stop there, if anything it gets harder... Working on yourself may not be easy.. I can't tell you what that involves for you... (shmiras eynayim group, 12 steps or partner.....) You will figure it out! The reward however isn't only getting rid of porn, but you will start to taste the sweetness of .... Life!!


Hatzlacha!!

[quote="gibbor120" post=211717 Yes, but most of us only "say" we are doing G-d's will. In reality, most of our "service" is self-centered. The 12 steps help us do G-d's will and let go of our own egos, so that our service is G-d-centered.[/quote]

perhaps youre right, but by me right now, I cant focus too much without getting all worked up about it one way or the other, so meanwhile, im gonna stick with whats workin here
1. focus on takin care of my life
2. wife's needs

I've made many wagers with myself to keep clean. I promised that if I masturbated I would say all of sefer tehillim or give an amount to tzedaka. Never worked.

The last time I 'binged' I felt very depressed and I called GYE for support. The tzaddik who I spoke to introduced me to the taphsic method. I thought I knew about it and was doing it but he told me a better way to do it. Here's how it works: You make 2 knasos, one big one small, for example $1 to tzedaka and $100 to tzedaka. Then you make a 'get out clause' or tnai, this is something that you will do before falling, for example say a perek tehillim, go for a walk, do push-ups etc. These are things that make you pause and give you time to think.

OK, so you have your 2 knasos and the t'nai, so you make a promise to Hashem that the next time you fall you will do the big knas, UNLESS you first do the t'nai, in which case you'll do the small knas.

For example, you get the urge to look at porn so you head for your computer. Then you remember that you'll lose $100 (big knas) if you look right now, much easier on you if you first walk around the block (t'nai) and then if you look you'll only give $1 (small knas).

This is the way I understand it, see here for more details:
guardyoureyes.com/the-gye-program/20-tools/item/tool-10?category_id=278

The point is that this is a habit. A habit is when the impulse to do something is followed immediately by the action without any thought. To break a habit you must start by slowing down this pattern and giving yourself time to think it through. Even if you then fall, at least you're starting to break the 'autopilot' and gain control over yourself. Every time you do it you become stronger and further separate the impulse from the action until they are not connected at all. Then it becomes much easier to control the urges.

If you see my journal recently you'll see that this method is not necessarily for everyone, I'm saying it because I think it's very helpful. As soon as I made my taphsic, my falling rate dropped considerably (2 falls in 6 weeks, instead of.....don't ask).

Sounds like a great method Watson, I also instead of staying sober one day at a time, started to stay sober 15 minutes at a time. It worked wonders.

Even though something is missing. I got to 90, fell, did 90 again (darn I am shaking right now, I really made 90 many times). Living without acting out, I understand that I can live without acting out - but is living without acting out living?

There is this emptiness that appears when I am not acting out. What do I do when I am sober, I am still that old Michael with all my defects of character.

With all due respect to those sober days that I had, it still boils down to today's feelings and situations that are my triggers for acting out. So I am hoping to change what I can change and what I can't change leave up to Hashem. May He give me the wisdom to know the difference.

I have constantly these thoughts popping up in my head, constantly. And I can't change that. But I can change how I react to them. With honesty.

And then here the taphsic method may work. It is plain honest to admit that thoughts popp up and that is ok. From then on, we can admit to being helpless, powerless...


And this is how I feel powerless over the fact that I want to act out and this writing is helping me and hopefully it will not offend you.

All the best to You gamerJew.

Dr.Watson wrote:

If I'd have made this taphsic, at least I would have gotten lots of exercise

gibbor120 wrote:


Two-plus years later, I finally have a clue as to what Gibbor is talkin' about.