hi guys,
my issue is that i know on a logic level lookin at what i like is inappropriate but im a baal taivah. what can i do? ive convinced myself its right and none of these steps are working because i have a great attitude and ethic and barely feel bad anymore with occasional exceptions, but this hahs been my greatest challenge for 10 years. so what do i even do?

welcome
you are in the right place

how did you convince yourself that it is 'right'?

Hi Gamer, welcome.

I'm not sure I've fully understood your question. Are you saying that you know it's wrong but you don't feel it? But you want to stop so you must be feeling something.

The gemoroh says that when a person does an aveiroh a few times it becomes like something muttar (in that the person no longer feels like he's doing a aveiroh when he does it).

I'm just wondering what it was that brought you here, made you register for an account and write this message

''I'm a baal taivah, what can I do?'' I think you'll find a lot of us suffer from the same condition. It's called being human.

What can I do, Hashem made me a human. Wouldn't it have been easier if He had made me a maloch or some kind of robot. Then I remembered that Hashem has loads of malochim. Billions and trillions of malochim being made every day, some are bigger than the earth, and they all go right into shomayim and say shirah to Hashem. And then there's me. Little me. Smaller than an ant riding on the back of a blue whale in comparison. And I say in my tiny voice 'excuse me, I'd also like to say shirah.'' And these huge malochim look at me and can barely see me I'm so small and they laugh. ''You, say shirah! Look at you, you're tiny, you're so imperfect, so insignificant. Don't waste Hashem's time.'' And then suddenly, a proclamation was made by the Almighty Himself ''You huge malochim don't get to say shirah until that tiny human says shirah.

Yes, he's tiny, he's imperfect, he lives in a terrible place and has done terrible things, and it's such an effort for him to even try to do anything positive. And despite all that, he still tries, he still wants to do the right thing and be close to me. That's exactly why I love him so much. You malochim say amazing shira and do great things, but it comes easy for you. This human can't do much but he tries so hard, so I appreciate what he can do so much more. I'd rather hear his small shira that he put effort into, than all your perfect shiras.''

It's precisely because it's so hard, that's what makes it so special.

Welcome gamerJew! I agree with the Dr. There must be something bothering you, or you wouldn't be here. How is your life being affected? Have you read the handbook? Do you consider yourself addicted? Can you see that if you don't stop, it will affect your life, or do you think you can continue this way indefinitely? Do you have a wife and children? Does it affect them? Are you a bachur? Can you see how it might affect your family in the future?

Just some questions to ponder. Nice to have you with us. If you do want to stop, this is the place to get the tools and to practice using them.

I actually have used that which the good doctor has said, and that which Gibbor was saying.

The first few days, I was down in the dumps. Does God really care? Does He want to hear from this lowly me? Isn’t He fuming mad at me, and until I am a tzadik yesod olam, He doesn’t want me within his daled amos.

However, the answer to those questions is that He does care and He does not want me to talk to Him. He is waiting with His hand outstretched to pick me out of the mud. Yes, humans fall, and sometimes they fall badly, and they even fall again and again, but that is our nature. [I am not excusing the behavior or the sin.] And it was these thoughts that got me through days 1, 2 and 3.

And then Gibbor’s points clicked in? Forget about God (meaning…all the lofty aspirations)! Don’t I want to live again? Do I really want to be concerned most moments of the day with thoughts as to where am I going to get me next fix? Was this a life? To feel excited and aroused and to m…. and then what? The next day, the cycle begins again? Was I indeed living? And the secrecy!? The hiding from my wife and family! Was it all worth it? Was I viewing my wife the way I was supposed to? Was I doing justice to our marriage? Was I being a good father? How much work did I waste? [Read SB’s account of sitting in front of his computer to begin work, and the cravings begin.] This was not a life. It was a cycle for so many years. After 23 clean days (after a 60 day streak before), it’s embarrassing to write that this cycle was my “life” for 30 + years. Uch and vey! That was no life! If you are on this site, it is evident that you want to make some type of change. You are in the right place Amigo; take advantage of it.

Welcome, and good move by posting.

I'm afraid the rest of the guys are quite right, because if you think it's "right" then continue doing it!!
if you meant to say there is nothing wrong with it, then i would have to agree with what Doc wrote, there is something bothering you that you want to change regardless of whether it is right or wrong!!

gamerJew wrote:


Can you please explain, which steps? and whichever they are I don't think one of the specifications for any recovery steps is depression. I might have gotten you wrong so please elaborate, open up we're all in this together!!

wow guys you're all awesome! i'm running late for work but i'll try to get back to this thread hopefully this evening! thank you all so much for your support!

When i hate myself afer acting out, sometimes to the point that i want to kill myself, that doesn't feel quite "right".

I tried for so many years to stay clean because the Toireh doesn't allow it, because Hashem doesn't want me to etc, but that didn't work for me.

Today i know that i have an illness called addiction, and i want to get well.

Its not about right and wrong anymore. Its about trying to get well from an illness.

Sorry if this offends anyone.

moish! I feel the same way

I wrote that on a different thread today

im on day 23 now; I haven't thought about God (regarding this struggle) in about 21 days or so.

I just wanna live again

that's one of the steps I believe; I forgot which number

its in guidebook as well

Thanks.

So We're on the same page.

Are you working a 12 step program?

cordnoy wrote:

I may be misreading you, but at least in the 12 steps the goal is to do G-d's will, not ours. That simple humbling experience returns us to sanity. We don't think of G-d in the punitive sense of "I better not do this because G-d will be angry with me". We DO think of G-d, but we stop thinking of Him as an adversary, and instead think of him as a loving father who takes care of our needs and wants the best for us.

When we dedicate our lives to fulfilling His will - we are full and don't need lust any more. If we need lust, we need to check if we are doing G-d's will or following our own ego.

Hi guys,

But to be honest "I always get smacked after acting out" and i know before that after acting out i will get it, but we still act out.....

LookingForwardToChange wrote:

What do you mean by "I always get smacked after acting out"?

Yes, we all feel the terrible affects of acting out, and yet we can't seem to stop. That is why we are all here. You described the problem perfectly.

Meaning something will happen to me, or something will happen at work or at home with the kids, i could say %99.9 of the time i would see a direct sign from hasham, about my acting out...

[quote="gibbor120" post=211657][I may be misreading you, but at least in the 12 steps the goal is to do G-d's will, not ours. That simple humbling experience returns us to sanity. [/quote]

yes Gibbor, even without the 12 steps, our entire life is to do God's will.

What I was saying is that (and other reasons) is what set me on the track (right one, I hope); but every day when I think about it, or subconsciously, it is not God that is telling me not to Skype or email friend, it is the decision that I made that is telling me that.