Dov,
Thank you
I'm not sure which of the above reasons you are referring to; kinda gettin lost in several threads.

How would you stop your lust?
Which one did I say that wouldn't work by you?

My willing partner, a woman, has been willing for almost 9 months. In that time, I have looked at videos, but not nearly as much as in past. I would be downloading tens at a time, and a huge storage of them.

They have all been deleted and have not been replaced.

She has even gone along with me on my streaks. She does not push me. She is available if I want. The problem is she is intelectual and intelligent as well, so we can chat about other things as well...eventually leading to sexual stuff. She allows me to fulfill many of my fantasies.

I will look for that post.

Thanks so much

Nuclear Reset

guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/203733-introduction?limit=15&start=15#203913

in the dov posts thread:
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/124072-Dov-Quotes?limit=15&start=105#207886

Gibbor

Tysm

Those posts were truly helpful

I can't say I fully understand the nucluear reset theory, but I think I got the drift
There is some sarcasm there, and it was not totally clear to me

Every thread helps in a different way

I asked there if there is a benefit in listing my sins
For me, for others?
Or perhaps, its not good for others

Other day I mentioned about clubs and someone told me, "b"H I don't goto clubs." I felt good for him, but is there now a new idea in someone's head?

Thank you

Clubs aren't necessarily a new idea. Everyone knows of clubs, some frequent them and others don't. On the other hand, there are guys here that are still in the thick of things and if you mention something that they wouldn't have thought otherwise, it may give them ideas. For that purpose, I never explicitly share things that I have done unless I know for sure that the person I am speaking to is in that same situation.

skeptical wrote:


Clubs? What kind of clubs? Bingo? Boy Scouts? When I was a kid we used to make clubhouses in the woods. Not all activities there were kosher, but I imagine the clubs you refer to are worse. Anyhow, there are some who are not that (under)worldly. Let's keep it that way.

MT

Different opinions have been expressed here. Perhaps it is best to share the details with someone on the phone or in person rather than an open forum. I would say that general stuff like pornography or masturbation can be shared here although some don't like that either and use p*** and m****. I would certainly stay away from specific details. Some people post things that can be very triggering.

This is one topic that you are sure to get varied opinions on.

Thank you, gibbor120 for saying what I was trying to say in better words.

Shev v'al taaseh adif

Ill err on the side of caution and keep quiet....and clean!

Again, it is very helpful to open up to a real person. It was probably the turning point for my recovery when I wrote down a first step inventory where I wrote out my entire acting out history. It was 11 pages long and I probably forgot to write some stuff .

If you haven't read the captain kirk post yet, click the dov quotes link in my signature and read the first post. We need self-honesty and self-acceptance. Opening up and admitting the exact nature of our problem is IMPERATIVE (and also very important ).

11 pages!!?
Who did you write it to?

Hi corduroy!

The 'Nuclear Reset' thing basically is about the strange sounding idea that we frum guys masturbate in order to regain our strong spiritual yearning (it feels like deveikus). We only seem to really feel it in the aftermath of falling.

Do you see that in yourself? Do you see the terrible pain of falling becoming like a 'yeridah letzorech aliyah'? And if so, do you not see how powerful that is as a perpetuator of the problem itself? The spiritual 'Teshuvah High' is a thing we lust to experience again and again. There is nothing quite like it.

Okay, enough of that. If you see it in you then it is there and can be faced as part of your problem, if it is not in you then it is not. That's all. Now take another look at it and no real sarcasm was intended, just a stark pointing out of the irony of it all.

At the risk of MT thinking that I am chuleelu saying the same thing he is saying , I want to say to corduroy that I agree with your suspicion. It is probably a really bad idea to write a lot of details about the ways we acted out, here on GYE. In all my time here I have never detailed my acting out history here in posts. One reason is ironic, one reason is practical.

The ironic reason is that believe it or not, this 'anonymous' venue of GYE is actually the most unsafe place for a person to share personal facts that could possibly lead to identification. First of all, details of sexual acting out could be very poisonous to some of the people reading this stuff - for surely some people reading this forum are misusing it and getting erotic stimulation from it either intentionally or unintentionally.

Furthermore, almost anyone is reading this! Good people like us who are sincere can be on GYE - and also bad people who are looking to destroy reputations, R"l, can be members here and reading the forum, of course. Hiding behind a fake name ('username') is indeed a double-edged sword! Yes, the fakeness of it all does make the sharing feel safer, so that more people will open up here (of course, they are not yet opening up to anybody real that way, but that's another juicy discussion entirely) -- but then it also protects whoever is reading the posts. If they are bad people and trying to figure things out from little details we let slip, then they could possibly make trouble. This is no chidush.

And the really ironic part is this:

While our posts on the forum obviously can fall into the hands of a few unsafe and insincere people - meeting another sicko like me on the phone or in person is actually the safest way to share personal, incriminating facts about ourselves. For it is with another real live recovering person! Who is safer than another person like me who is recovering and admits all the truth about themselves to other safe recovering people? No one.

We are surely the very worst keepers of our secrets.

When we entrust ourselves with them, we always eventually act on them....but when we let them go and share them honestly with safe people, we let them go and do not need to act on them.

The forum is surely not the place to write any vivid sexual descriptions of our behaviors or issues. And this is no stirah with anything I wrote earlier about the terrible idea of sterilized 'lashon nekiyah' here.

Dov

Thank you for the explanation
Now I get it

I also know why I didn't understand it before
I do not have it
But I think I understand it

Regarding your second point
Well taken
I will leave details to therapist and one other person (a friend)
Thx so much

By the way, what is karma, and how is it gotten?

Thanks

One more thing for corduroy:

In addiction, I have been in exactly your same shoes for years, same deal, same relationships, same type of women. Same adventure, same cycle. For about 7 years with one woman, and there were others. So I can ask you sincerely and without any criticizing spirit:

Do you recognize that you are a married man and are having an affair? True, you may not have had sex with this woman - but do you see that you are having an actual affair, or do you not? Have you perhaps some other more respectable name for it? It's normal if you do! But this is not just a 'shmiras habris' or 'kedushas yisroel' issue, here, chaver.

Do youunderstand that it is not just a personal or religious issue now?

Can you put yourself into your wife's position in this? If your wife had already met with another man and did all the things you have done (so far) - how would you really feel? This answer will take some time - you cannot type it out on your computer in a few seconds, even with tears in your eyes. It needs some real thought.

Of course, the only way to come face to face with the way you would really feel (aside from you catching your wife having a similar sexual preoccupation and in a relationship with another man) - is getting caught by your wife...or admitting it all to her and showing her the emails, chats, whatever, between you and this woman.

And that would probably a very bad thing to do right now. I do not recommend any of those options.

But still, all your regret is still really weak b'sha'as ma'aseh, as you have pointed out so honestly already. So what to do? You really want to stop, no?

The only eitza I have for you is to open up in person (see the above post ) and/or on the phone with other safe people who have these problems and are in recovery and clean. And I know plenty who would gladly do that with you) and make that a habit. That would be a start. Then there are more things to do, like make amends with your wife for the unfaithfulness so far.

You do not need to tell her, to make an amends. There is a lot you can do to make up for the past with her without ever telling her about it.

But it is likely that if you do not do amything real about this problem, you will eventually get caught, and life will be greater hell for her than it will become for you.

I have been there. So I still respect and love you a ton, just for being a fellow sufferer. Think it over.

- Dov

Dov
Thank you so much
Yes I realize
It is an affair
No matter which way you slice it

In the past, even in my clean days or weeks, id chat with her about stam life

Since I joined gye, I stayed completely away

I accept your advice
I will not be telling her

I have opened up to a serious frum therapist and to a friend near me
Together, and with you guys, we will beat this monster

Tysm