When I came to this site, I was also very confused. I'm just trying to share my experience. You may have a very different experience and need something totally different. I'm sorry if I added to your confusion and told you stuff that is not applicable to you.

There are lots of ideas here. Some will work for you, some won't. Get started somewhere and IY"H you will find your way.

The handbook is a good place to start because it is full of ideas. Ultimately, you will have to find what works best for you.

If you see something on here that talks to you, grab it and run with it. It seems that what Dov wrote really speaks to you. If that is so, let go of everything else and see where Dov takes you.

Hatzlacha!

Thanks gibbor and skeptical.
I like the attitude.

So skeptical, what;s up with that name. what you so skeptical about?

He's skeptical that people can't recover. He's NOTSOSKEPTICAL about being able to recover.

Welcome Roundabout (are you from UK?)!!

BH you are looking to recover, that is the first step, and certainly "pischu li pesach k'pischo shel ulam"

Hatzlacha Rabbah

Therapy and doing some real work to get free of some of the deep things that you are in real pain about will definitely help you a lot! Most of us probably need that, regardless. But if you are like many of us, the gift of therapy or pf figuring it out will not do us much good, if any, unless you and I surrender the right to lusting and are abstinent from it (our drug of choice) during that process.

Dov isn't negating that its motivated by pain, hes just saying that we need to be ready to stop self medicating during recovery.

guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/209060-Still-Gotta-Work-on-Myself#210396

Chachaman,
Thanks for the clarification.

Skeptical,
Thanks for the post. Fascinating! Are you less skeptical now?
I feel for me, I am still skeptical about myself. I have tried so many times. But I guess all those major streaks were what Dov calls "holding my breath", and so I can only go so long without it.

I am honestly interested in sobriety. Can someone help clarify the different between "holding my breath" and "surrendering"?

I appreciate the thoughtful comments about me coming to right place and taking the first step, but I don't really believe I have taken any bigger steps than I have in the past. But, I am not really sure what those steps are. I have started reading handbooks. I guess things will be come clearer. My concern is that reading and reading is more of this "self medicating" that Dov speaks about. So, What are the true steps that I or one should take?

Have you told a real person about the exact nature of your struggles?

Have you tried the phone conferences?

roundabout


This is all a process. While there are still some things (usually small nuances in how something is worded) that get to me, I've learned a lot being here and have come to more of an understanding of what is being said. The important thing is to find what works for you and stick to it.

roundabout


guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/203840-A-journey-to-Hashem?limit=15&start=180#209834

gibbor120 wrote:

Yes, my wife. However, as far as she thinks, I am totally off this addiction.
A therapist. But that was some many years ago.
A friend. been a while since we last conversed this issue.

gibbor120 wrote:

No. I can't fit them in the schedule. But I would really want to.

Thank you skeptical for that link.

Hi Round,

Far be it from me to offer advice... I've been off this site for ages and just trying now to return and get back to better behavior.

If I can try to bridge the gap between Dov and Gibbor120... how the two answers are compatible. Perhaps the void in most addicts lives is that they cannot surrender. The void is the lack of their true connection to Gcd, real emunah. Every time I act out, there is a "real, true" belief that it will make me better, it will ease something for me, take off the edge. I don't need Gcd at those times, so I say... i need the release, I need the massage or whatever kicks you get.

THAT is the real void.

So Dov's answer is to surrender - well - yes, to what/ Whom? To Gcd, and that Gcd does not want me to get my kicks, he wants me to work on myself perpetually. And so, if instead of those times when I keep falling, I say, hey wait, let me surrender, to these feelings that "Somebody" (ayn lo guf) put in me, then I can move past and beyond.

roundabout wrote:

Maybe you should fit your schedule into the phone conferences . You say that you are "numb" from this addiction and it is obviously driving you crazy, but you can't find any time to work on it??? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but you obviously want help, but don't seem willing to give anything up to get it. Something has to give - No?

To what extent did your wife know about it? How long ago did she find out? Did you tell her? What would happen if you told her that you need time to dedicate to working on it?

You said earlier that you don't have any emotional issues, but now you say that you went to a therapist. What did you go to a therapist for? I'm confused .

Again, I hope I do not come off as harsh or uncaring. I care very much and would like to see you take steps to get sober. Everything in your life will get better.

A fellow asked R' Yisroel Salanter zt"l, "I have only 1/2 hour per day to study Torah. What topic should I study?" He replied, "Study mussar and you'll see you have more than 1/2 hour."

Same here. Invest some time in your recovery and you'll find that you have much more time than before, cuz you won't waste time feeding the addiction.

Hatzlacha

MT

ontheedgeman,

Thanks for those insightful words.

gibbor120,
gibbor120 wrote:

Good point! Which do you suggest?

gibbor120 wrote:
"numb" means loss of feeling. I wish it still drove me craze like it once did.

gibbor120 wrote:
Who said I am not working on it?

gibbor120 wrote:
no worries. You don't seem harsh at all. Not sure why you are under the impression that I am not willing to give things up. I think giving up porn is a pretty big step. Anyway, what do you suggest I give up for recovery?

gibbor120 wrote:
enough to make her never want to see me again.

gibbor120 wrote:
over a decade ago


gibbor120 wrote:
she figured it out. pretty obvious when mky computer had pictured of naked ladies all over the screen and the chats to ladies was left open.

gibbor120 wrote:
why would I need to tell her that I need time. If I need time, I will take time. Do you report to your wife every thing you do in your day?

gibbor120 wrote:
Shalom bayis issues that erupted from the addiction being revealed. Not sure how that relates to the emotional issues. And anyway, this was over a decade ago.
putting that aside, I think you missed the whole point there anyway. I will have to explain to you another time. Getting late.need to get some sleep.

Machshovo Tova wrote:

Thanks for that. I will take that into consideration.

roundabout (make sure they don't make fun of your name), guy,
welcome!

just a bit of advice from a guy who was way down for 30 years and just now coming up for air (2 months, 5 weeks, and now 18 days): open up to these fellows and they will help you out. tell em your basic story (seems you've said bits and pieces) and they can help you better. they have set me straight in many areas already.

b'hatzlachah

were all here for you