Hello all,

I started masturbating age 12 when I found a naked picture in a science magazine, supposedly aimed at children. Thinking back I am disgusted at the publishers for even thinking that that was OK. But I don't blame them for my addiction because I think it would have happened anyway.

What started as once a week became more and more frequent until it was a daily activity. Sometimes with pictures, sometimes without. I always felt there was something wrong with it but I didn't know what or why. It wasn't till I was 17 that I found out it is ossur to think about immorality, and ossur to masturbate. I had always thought that mitzas were only physical dos and don'ts, it came as quite a shock to me, but by then I couldn't stop.

I made hundred of attempts to stop, all with different tactics. Some were useless, some worked for up to a week. My parents had a computer at home with no filter on it and I used to browse naked photos and save 'my favourites.' That ended when I went to yeshivah but I still masturbated daily. However, when I came home bein hazmanim I went back to this search. I always regretted looking for these pictures and always deleted them before going back to zman with renewed kabolos. They never lasted.

It progressed to videos when I was 21. I could not get enough of them. There was so much variation I never got bored, it was very 'exciting'. Again I saved my 'favourites, ' deleting them before zman started. That was the beginning of what I think of as a true addiction.

After few years of this cycle I got to thinking why we didn't have a filter at home. I know my parents didn't know about the porn, certainly nowhere near the extent of it, and they didn't think a filter was necessary. I remember my mother complaining about the asifahs once saying ''my children are mature enough to not fall into this, the problem is chareidim being too insular,'' in hindsight it's quite funny and sad at the same time.

In any case I decided that my parents would probably have no objections to me putting one on myself. I installed netnanny and only my parents knew the password. Then one time I needed to get past the filter to see a site that was not porn, so my mother let me in. I didn't mean to originally, but I left it unblocked until my parents went to bed and then went to the porn site and downloaded many videos, keeping them on my mp3 player. The next zman was the first time I watched porn in yeshivah. From them on it was a daily occurance.

About a year ago I stumbled into YBOP and joined the forum there. I started to really take quitting seriously. I had a very tough first 2 months or so, as I tried to abstain for a sizeable amount of time. I remember once having such a strong urge to masturbate that I literally hit myself hard with a sealed 2 litre bottle of water until it hurt, then I had a cold shower fully dressed. It was a tough time but I deleted all my porn, installed k9 on all my devices and was starting to abstain for a week before relapsing, then another week etc.

Interestingly, I had been been on shidduchim for several years at that point and was continuously hurt by girls and the process. Then during one during of abstention I was ret a shidduch. Both sides made enquiries and I hadn't relapsed yet. We met a few times and I hadn't relapsed yet. I don't remember but I think I masturbated once during the whole time we were going out, and then we got engaged, now married.

Anyway, my periods of abstention have continued to increase in length slowly but surely over the last months. My most recent attempt was 40 days. My downfall was always google images. B''H I found this forum and was re-inspired to block such things, which I have now done. Iy''H I will be able to go the whole way this time.

I think that joining the YBR forum was very helpful to me and I will always be grateful to them for it. When I joined I had no idea there was a Jewish equivalent. I've always felt a bit uncomfortable there discussing these things with goyim, especially as their idea of the ultimate success is to be able to be with as many girls as possible. B''H there is a frum forum where I can get the same support and feel more at home. Thank you so much for this, you are such tzaddikim.

Welcome qi

Two things stand out for me in your story, which i relate to on a personal level.

I too discovered masturbation without knowing what it was. By the time i figured out what i was doing i was already hooked. I tried to stop, i really did.

The other thing is the progression of the addiction. Its like being on a slippery slope. I have no control over how far this illness is going to take me.

I hope you stick around, and find all the help you are looking for.

Take care my brother.

Moish

moish u.k. wrote:


Not much to add, except that I'm not called Moish.

WELCOME qi! Nice to have you with us. I agree, this is a great placet to be. We all understand each other, cuz we are all struggling with the same problem. Thanks for sharing. We look forward to hearing more from you.

Great intro qi!

Your story is all too familiar. I truly admire your commitment, and recall hitting myself on the head and face to "sober up."

Other than filters and avoiding porn, what's your plan?

AlexEliezer wrote:


I've been doing this for long enough to know exactly what I have to do, and to know what my pitfalls are. I usually abstain for a month or so before relapsing. after one relapse I find it hard to get back on track and it usually takes a week to find my feet again.

I found my last attempt extremely liberating because I managed 40 days without so much as peeking or even thinking about peeking, beating my previous record by 10 days. During that time I felt for the first time that it is possible for me to quit permanently.

My pitfall then was the same as every time for a few months now which is to see something slightly provocative on youtube (truth is I should quit watching all videos but I'm finding that very hard, I use them to relax), and then I start peeking at google images. One thing leads to another......

So, I have blocked google images too. I now cannot find any porn on my computer, even if I wanted to.

If I do fall again, I think it will be easier and quicker to get past it now that I cannot access any porn.

As for masturbation, it started becoming less of a problem by itself. I found that I no longer did it unless I watched porn.

B''H I have a wife so I never have to go more than 12 days without a release. 12 days used to be impossible for me, but in the last few months 40 days has become my standard so 12 days doesn't feel like a problem to me.

I still get urges to masturbate all of a sudden, but I've become much more used to ignoring them. I used to be totally unable to stop myself if I got the urge, but I started slowing myself down, pausing, thinking before doing it. At the beginning all I was doing was delaying myself. Instead of masturbating immediately when I got the urge, i would wait a few minutes. The first time that I waited a few minutes and found that I didn't need to masturbate at all was also very liberating. Since then I have been practising this method and b''H have got a lot better at it. It became easier and easier each time I was successful. I won some and lost some, but about 6 months ago the tide turned from the yetzer horah winning most of the time, to me winning most of the time. Now the urges themselves come less often.

I apologise if I sound arrogant, I don't feel arrogant, I'm ashamed of how long and how badly I've had this problem. I feel confident. I really think I can quit permanently this time. B'ezras Hashem.

Since leaving YBR I've also been trying to be a better yid in general. I daven with a minyan more often, and I learn a bit more. I've started watching shiurim online now when I'm bored instead of browsing rubbish. I really want to be an ehrliche yid, a shining example of how a Jew should behave. I've always found that porn and masturbation have dragged me down. This is my chance to become the yid I want.

It is good to be on the 90 days chart next to you, it feels so much better, so much safer, so much honest. Thanks man!!!

thanks yehoshua for findin' this thread.

Doc, is all that still true?

You wrote such good stuff there!

Words of inspiration to us all!

thanks

continued hatzlachah (from a year later).

Thank you Yehoshua for reminding me of this thread.

Avrohom, some things are no longer true:
qi wrote:


B"H my wife and I are still happily married but the 12 days is not true.

Some things are still true:
qi wrote:


There's also a lot of other things which are true that are not written here. Halo heim kesuvim in the link in my signature.

Sorry to tell you Doc but theres no beating this once and for all. We have an allergy, we are allergic to lust. Let's say I go to the doctor and he tells me I have a peanut allergy. This allergy will most likely stay with me for life. Now you might be asking how will I ever lead a normal life if this will stay with me forever? The answer is that I may not be able to go near the peanuts, but I can still live a perfectly normal life, and many people do. Nobody's cutting off any of our limbs. We're still complete people and can live happy lives - perhaps even happier lives than "normal'" people, because we're learning how to deal with things rather than escaping from them. Case in point is people who drink alcohol. Some people can have a drink once in a while and it's not a big deal. They're able to say they've had enough and stop. Alcoholics can't get enough once they start, because they crave the escape that the high gives them. Hashem is looking for progress not perfection. Hashem wants MORE from you. He is so proud of your progress, but if you just "beat this once and for all" you would be done with your tikkun. Hashem could take you back upstairs c"v if you finished all your work. But of course, you have much more work to do. So He showed you how you can make great progress. Then He takes it away from you so you can start again and build yourself up much more!

Very true, thank you.

What a difference a year makes!

Btw I'm still waiting for your call...

Milletry613,

That was one of the best, most cogent, and most poignant posts that I have read on addiction. Kol hakavod! In you, HaShem has really bestowed on us a source of inspiration. I can't wait to see the insights you bring this forum, and, well, the world, in the years to come. We're all learning so much from you.

(And of course, like all of us here -- don't let it go to your head Even being an inspiration takes hard work.)

I can only speak for myself, but I have no thoughts of beating "it"
'it' beat me and i am in shambles. the only thing I can do is let go and G-d will free me from "it" today. to try anything else would be crazy and i have years of experience to back up the idea that trying to beat "it" will get me back in the gutter (porn sites and masturbating)

qi,
I finally read your original story, since it's been brought up a year after you first posted it. Wow! It so much resonates in me as being so much of what it was like for me. When I first began the spiral down the slippery slope of porn and mb, I didn't really see why it was so bad. After a while I found out, but by then the damage was done, and from there it only continued to get worse. Your insights have helped me here a lot. Please keep posting, especially as now that you're on the prestigious list of "The Wall", you can continue to share your insights. mazel tov, and continue to stay strong!

Guys guyis guy.
This is honestly great.
Im looking at all the names of peeps who have posted their thoughts here on their addiction and im really seeing other guys like me(as opposed to just the experts in GYE, like Dov and the other administrators), who are regular guys who have been given an addiction to porn and masturbation, and sometimes cant go longer than 7,10,30,40 or whatever days without a relapse, but yet still have a burning desire inside to pick up the pieces and start right again with a fresh vigour!!!
I have a question. I reckon i know why ive been depressed for the last four months. I think its because thats how long I have been serious about attending SAA meetings. And whats happened is Ive started to think of myself as just an addict. Whereas before I was a beautiful creation of the divine, with my core essence being pure, caring, loving and having a zest for life. Now, i feel like labelling myself an addict has made me feel like my core is an addict, and its made me feel Evil and dirty at my core, and its diminishing my trust in myself and lowering my worth and hope, which isnt what I want. How can I change this and see my core as actually superb and authentic, and my addiction as a type of latched on addition to my being?
Suggestions please !!!