I'm no expert, but you clearly had a very traumatic childhood. It would seem that you need a therapist/rebbi/someone to tell your story to in order to overcome that trauma. Is there someone that you trust to give you advice? If there was time for therapy of some sort, this would seem to be it. But again, I'm no expert.

Why would people know that you'd seen a therapist? No one needs to know if you do it discreetly. Also, this addiction relates to hiding--but who cares how people view you?

Also, the trauma most certainly isn't YOUR fault. It can be very helpful and liberating to open up to someone, especially if we hold it in for a long time.

Just want to say hi!
Sorry your childhood was so violent and miserable.
I was beaten by both my parents.
I would imagine it will be very difficult for you to trust anyone, to let anyone get truly close to you. Because closeness means pain.
I'm going to add my voice to the choir that short-term therapy where you can discuss these issues in a safe and confidential setting can be very helpful. It will save your future wife much suffering.

I think you need to look carefully at the real reasons you're resisting talking to a real person about your life.

Here's a transatlantic man-hug!

Alex

woaw thanks all of you!

it's incredible ! thanks far from my heart !

but guys you scare me a little bit ! I get through this by myself, it's an old story !I learn how to be tough or more probably Hachem gave me the strength, the only thing that I can't manage is my little pleasure who become a to do list for the day !

so yeah , when I say "I fight against my desire" you can trust me , I fight very HARD !, i know how to BREAK my will (at least i thought )and still I don't win !

but you right about one thing, I don't trust people not because of the fear to be disappointed, but I don't know why they would like me ! I mean if I were rich or something I will understand why we could be friend or in this case why a girl would like me.i have a problem of self confidence , I know it but I kinda try to fighy against also.

but still, I'm really deeply thankful to Hachem, I mean it ! I love my life ! im happy, if only masturbating was allowed by torah, I will be the happiest personns ever (naaah , I don't think that). It's my only black point.all my struggle is dedicated to this fight.

look, you have to understand, we get through this , not only me but my entire family, I give all my strength to the peace, the brother who broke my hand is my best friend ever , I mean it! I become his best men for his wedding for example! I could told you a lot of details of how we make peace butthe thing is we suffer a lot but not just me , all of us , my story seems to be sad but I think it has a happy end !

seriously there is lot of people who suffer more than me. I don't have anything to complain.

I'm sure Hachem will help me with my addiction because He love me, about that I'm sure ! so everything is going to be fine.

this is why I learn from GYE.

GYE give me hope.

Beezrat Hachem hakol hiye besseder !

smile my friends !

Hi Breath,

I've been off the forum for a while and just catching up on old posts. Thanks for your share; that's quite a load to get out in the open. When stuff like that starts coming out, I think that's when healing starts.

Good luck, and KUTGW,

Elyah

Hi Eye,

Nice to "see" you again! I was about to call the search and rescue team to find you.

hi everyone.

Things are not going well.

One month ago, I was full of hopes , I wanted really bad to change , to become a new person and I knew I have to go out more amd socialize with another jews.

so I put my shyness away and went to party and stuff, I tried very hard and I thought I made new friends . (people told me I was a very sociable guy and a funny one.we have to keep in touch and change phone number ,so few days later I text them and they respond me but after few days they stop responding me).

besides I went very difficult days at work. I don't know why but after few month , my superior always start to be mean and treat me like ... you know...like if I was nothing, if I have no feelings( my former boss almost break me.)

also in college things getting bad.

things getting worst everywhere.

but I keep thinking the worst things is my lack of friends despite my efforts.

I am into the mist again but this time I realized I am almost 25 years old and my life suck a lot.and it's not because the shame and the guilt of acting out which is worst.

I don't see any bright future and it's a little bit frightening.

have you seen a social worker, therapist, Rav?

It would seem to me that one of these should be your first stop.

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy wrote:


i don't even know its exist !

breath wrote:

Why do you think they stopped replying? How many times did you send texts to them?

I feel for you. It's very difficult to feel isolated.

Breath, I'm you're friend. I know I'm virtual and we'll probably never meet, but you've got a bunch of friends on this forum.

I don't think parties are a good way to go. Everything there is superficial.

We grow up in a generation where we are expected to rank the number of "Facebook friends" we have to show how social we are. The more superficial connections you have, supposedly the more "friends" you have.

It doesn't work that way, though.

Find two, three really good friends. Any friendship requires investment, sacrifice, etc.

We should grow each day, but only a little bit. It takes a while to become a "new person".

Just hang in there, man. Hashem puts us in the best situation possible, period.

Also, don't define yourself by how your superior treats you. It took me a while to realize this with my brother and my parents, also:

How they treat you is a reflection of them, not of you.

My brother has an anger problem? That's not my problem. It's his. If he gets angry at me, it's not because I've done anything. It's a problem with him.

I hope to hear back from you soon!

It's been a while since the last time and i wanted to say hi !

First of all ,i feel much better,things improve since last time,I think I was really in a bad mood.

I quit (or at less i change) the "partying" .
It only made me sick ! hanging with non-orthodox jews only fuel my frustration,it's like staring a perfect meal when you starving and you can't reach it, For example ,I heard I was "good-looking (i don't find myself attractive even if i heard that a couple of times ,it's not the point anyway...)" and a very pretty girl and absolutely not "modest" started to speak with me,she was single and lonely after a semester at Hong kong...i present her to a few friends and went away .what the heck i was supposed to do ?? we don't belong to the same world ! she made "things" that i never did (but i want desperately),my only reason to become friend with her is hypothetically become intimate with her and have a "real" intercourse one day.

It's funny right ? because it happened i acted out several times a day or basically every day but when it comes to real life I can't do it !

I asked about starting shiddukh,well,here in france,the chief rabbi of france organize chiourim in the purpose to meet orthodox jews, and i kinda meet a girl,it give some strentgh but i don't completly stop the acting out .

I will continue later.

See ya

breath wrote:


How long have you been "sober" for? You might want to figure on a certain recovery landmark before getting involved with Shidduchim. Marriage does not make this problem go away--and in some ways it makes it much worse.

--Elyah

Things turns into a massive nightmare ! It was awful, I was ready to married but everything got cancelled, But the worst is I am pretty sure that i destroy the girl's heart...Yeah,I wasn't ready definitely...

It's been a while since i got here, but nothing really change I guess,I'm still doing it and I can't stop but I gave up the struggle during so many month.

here we go again !

Breath,

This is my first time responding to someone else's post, but I have been going through some rough times in shidduchim as well, and just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. After I finally decided to be sober, I set myself a goal to hit, if I could stay clean until then,I would re-enter the "parsha". It seemed like a good idea and I didn't think there would be any problems. There were issues, and it will probably take me quite some time until I can actually start dating again. But after talking to my Rebbi I am just realizing that I am the most important thing right now. Me, not finding a job, not dating just me. Until I can truly say about myself that I have made a real effort and have turned myself around, I can't even think about c"s putting an innocent Bas Yisroel in to the potential for harm. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck! It really does, but first things first, fix yourself, make a real commitment to staying sober and living a sober lifestyle. Then you can work on expanding your family and bringing someone into your life that you truly care about and will never want to hurt.