let me guess the big crazy news...

I have had a crazy past while and i have been meaning to post

So last monday I got home to my dads, it has been a couple weeks because of chagim and such and he said that he split up with the women he was with. She left the house and theres a new woman in the picture. So we are selling our house and I assume we will be living with this new woman. She has a daughter that goes to my university and is actually in the same program as me, though i dont know her. So i got pretty scared and i still am. Anyhow add that to midterm week and i was stressed. I didnt fall thank God! But i was very stressed. (thats the big surprise by the way)

However thursday night i fell. I guess after my exams and assignments were all done i just needed a release and i picked the wrong one. If i can remember i fell asleep and then i woke up and fell. It wasnt like my half asleep falls though. It was my first fall in a couple months. I was pretty down. But in the morning when I woke up i had a message waiting for me from a fellow Gye member. He said, concerning my situation with my father, that i just have to walk into the house and put my hands up. I am powerless. He said to smile and breath, and that i am on the right track so relax. This greatly helped me after the fall

Today is where everything hit the fan...

I was at my fathers whom i dont have much food at (he doesnt keep kosher) I couldnt bring any food to school as I had nothing of substance to pack and i was going to stay at the university until late. Anyways I was at my Dads before school around 11, 12 (i have afternoon classes today) and I got a strong urge. I immediately jumped to the TV and started scrolling through the movies, hoping something "good" will turn up. Nothing so i went to video on demand where i can pick movies to watch but it has a passcode lock which i forgot. So i kept looking for movies on TV and picked one. It had no nudity but had an attractive lead. I didnt fall Thank God, I had to go to school. But boy was it close.

So during my last class of the day i got really tired. I hadnt had much food and i brought nothing to campus so in decided i would go home (bad mistake.) At i told my self i would eat a little and then go do homework then daven. I ended up on the TV instead. I just had such a big urge and watched a movie. I didnt even fall because of the movie. I just gave up because i got so restless. Anyways so I fell and it sucks

However, like the GYE member said I am still on the right track. Yes I fell but this gives me even more reason to say i am powerless. The yetzer has been in a stranglehold. I am tied on his finger and there is nothing I can do! Only Hashem can. I must keep internalizing I am powerless.

So from now on, I am going to start bringing food to campus so i can stay later so hopefully i wont come home and watch TV. My avatar really fits. I cant watch TV nor movies. They are mamash so harmful to me.

Honesty. Awsome!

I feel the same way. I dont know why but movies are just bad for me. I recently slipped and channel surfed while I was traveling on business and then watched Law and Order. In the past it went from there to youtube to music videos to the next level until the end.

Actually i do know why movie are the start. They usually have really beautiful women in them. Even if I am not fantasizing about having sex with them, it gets my lust glands salivating.

So yeah, we need to stay away from those things that will lead us down the path of destruction, even if at the beginning it still looks ok.

Once the yetzer hora gets his foot in the door your gonna have a helluva time trying to get him to leave.

Eli

Yesterday wasn't even that bad (oh oh we all know that means)

I went on Gye a lot, just perusing the form, reading people's stories. Unfortunately I never posted. When I went to my fathers I didn't even watch a movie (hurray!) I did watch a few minutes of TV though but Thank God no provocative content except at the end. I went downstairs to read some Gye and when I can back up, Let's just say the girl wasn't tznious (it's funny cause I took a second look and then I realized fully what I saw.)

Anyhow I went to bed and an urge came: but I actually surrendered. I said please Hashem save me but the yetzer came back and again I surrendered. He come once more and snagged me.

So I fell.

But you know what? I surrendered! I mamash did. I even realized the yetzer was coming on to me and gave it to Hashem. Probably the first time I surrended in those circumstances. So id say that's improvement. Also the psst few days have been incredible. I have been happy even davening properly (I live in a small town which has 2 Minyans so sometimes at night I don't major it and end up rushing and even skipping through davening. I'd actually say davening has really helped me in recovery. I have terrible Kavanah but I often relax and say I am powerless)

A fellow GYE member said i should make a taphisc like if i want to fall then first i have to do excercie, do some actual hishtadlus. I think its a great idea but how do i do it? How do I make it so its not a neder?

Yikes that was a big rant. One more thing, I feel it's hazardous to think about not lusting. Rather thinking about living our lives is what we should be doing. After all we suck it because we have absorbed ourselves with lust! Therefore if we slightly change our perspectives and worry about changing our lives (this doesn't exclude saying we are powerless over the yetzer but actually all the more so it helps because we are avoiding the whole issue! Skipping a step!) instead of worrying about falling then we want


Wow posting has really helped me move on from my fall. I should post more often.

dms1234 wrote:


Your road to recovery should be with hatzlachah.

What does it mean you "surrendered"? You surrendered before, during and after and did what your yetzer wanted you to do? Is that the meaning of "surrender"?

Please explain.

Thank you and may God be with you/us/all.

I mean: I realized I was having an urge and I asked Hashem to save me, to take the battle from me. It may not actually be surrendering but its a start right?

I am not the expert on "surrender."
I have asked about it many times on my thread and others.
It is basically a part of step 1 of the 12 steps, and all, please correct me if I am misinterpreting.

we admit we are powerless.
that means: we cannot control our urges.
this is not a setirah to bechirah, for we are addicts and our behavior is now on automatic. [Additionally, the rambam says that one can commit certain sins and bechirah is then taken away from him.]
we therefore surrender to God by saying, "We cannot do it; it is up to You."

When the question is posed, "What will He then do,?" the answer is, "It is none of our business; we cannot play God."

You definitely did well; just not sure if you "surrendered."
maybe you did.

And perhaps, I have it all wrong anyway.

KOT!

I was thinking more about my fall with a fellow GYE member and also reading some previous chizzuk emails from the summer and its great I told Hashem to save me but i need to actually do something so that Hashem can save me. I need to do my hishtadlus.

So i want to do something like a TaPHSiC but i was reading about it and its very intense but all I want is when I get an urge to get out of bed (usually it occurs while in bed) walk to the washroom (a considerable walk) and wash my face and then walk back. So now how do i make this not a shvua? Do i just try it without making an actual shvua.

I think if i distract myself for a bit (while also saying I am powerless) then I can bypass the urge.

Anyone able to help me?

So I fell on Friday. Whoah it was a bad fall. I have an old computer in the house which needs to get thrown out. I just needed to reformat it (to erase all the data) and get rid of it. When I got home to get ready for shabbos, I needed to check something and I left my computer at shul and i couldnt find my Moms. But i remembered i had this computer. While I was checking, I realized it was unfilitered but told my self its ok I am not going to do it. But after checking, you all know what happened! Making matters worse I fell again Friday night and Saturday night, it was subconscious but oy I almost fell into a deep pit of despair.

So I realize how powerless I am especially if I go to an unfiltered computer. But really any lust I feel is already red alert. What has really helped me is talking to fellow Gyers that actually know me like the guys from OINK. But its so hard because they are in Israel and I am not anymore. Therefore I have no one to call when need. Also I want to keep working the steps, as we started in Israel. So I think I am going to get a sponsor so I can call and to help me go through the steps. I would love to join a conference call but the times just don’t work for me. But I think a sponsor is perfect for me, at least for the time being.

Anyhow I am doing well. Life is good. Just gotta keep looking forward, be happy and take one day at a time.

That's it, KOT!!! ODAAT!!!

and btw you have my email address, so no excuses. just send me a hello, please (for my sake if not for urs)

cordnoy wrote:

Avrom,

I started writing this when I saw what you wrote, but I only just got around to finishing it.

I will try and share with you what surrender means for me.

Someone who is up against an enemy has two choices; either to fight or to surrender. One, who feels that they have a chance to overcome the enemy, will choose to fight; otherwise they will surrender.

How do I surrender? I raise the white flag, BEFORE the fight.

And now for the application:

For twenty plus years, I thought that I could handle lust. Actually to be fair, I really knew from the beginning that I had very little choice to resist, but I believed based on religious doctrine, that somehow, someway and someday I could and would overcome it. And this became my life mission.

I found GYE and I was even more convinced that I was going to win. I was now a member of what I felt was one of the most holy groups of yidden in existence. But I discovered the hard way, that for me, lust is more powerful than any type of power that comes from within myself.

I eventually came to SA. And I was in for a big shock. My first sponsor told me to put a filter on my internet, block my phone etc etc. I was furious. I was convinced that SA would take away my yetzer hora to lust; that I would not need to fight anymore, and here I was being told to do the same things as I had been told on GYE.

It took me over a year until I finally became prepared to accept that: I AM AN ADDICT; I AM POWERLESS OVER LUST; I ADMIT DEFEAT OVER LUST; AND THEREFORE I DO WHATEVER I CAN TO STAY OUT OF THE BATTLEFIELD. To me that is surrender.

However, surrender is only the first part of Step One (we admitted we were powerless over lust).

The second part is: that our lives had become unmanageable. To me the point of this is not that the acting out had made my life unmanageable, but that my dependency on lust and acting out, had made my life unmanageable. In other words, life WITHOUT lust had become unmanageable.

So Yes, I can surrender and stay out of contact with lust, but that does not help my head, BECAUSE I AM CONVINCED THAT WITHOUT LUST I CANNOT LIVE AT WORST AND AT BEST WILL BECOME INSANE.

So all of a sudden, surrender is not so simple. I can be willing to stay away from anything that causes me to lust and I can actually do it (look how many guys here on GYE manage for short periods) but my head will NEVER accept it.

And that is why I can never succeed to beat this thing on my own.

But by reaching out for help I can take that leap of faith; I can actually give up lusting, without any idea how to survive or remain sane, because I have come to believe that a Higher Power can restore me to sanity.

I stress again, that for me no amount of clarity or willpower can keep me sober, without action (calling friends to reach out, meetings etc).

May HaShem grant us a sober and sane day.

As Pidaini urged me, everybody I am a live!

Let me briefly catch you up. I'll start by going back to this summer. I was in Israel for a couple months and i met with OINK and about a month before I left, essentially in Elul and leading to Rosh Hashana, I made very good progress. I wasn't just sober but i was actually growing.

But it was time to leave and go back to university. I gradually started descending and eventually i fell. Starting a month ago and until now i have been stressed out of my mind with school and therefore i have fallen a lot.

HOWEVER, even thought his has been the toughest semester and falling a lot, I have decided: enough wight he revolution. I always say. I am going to change. I won't waste any time. I won't fall. I won't, I won't. But i always do. NO more sweeping plans. I feel like everyday is goyish new years. But not any more. Now i will start slow. Baby steps thats all. Day in and Day out.

I have started seeing a therapist and a person to help with my procrastination. I like them both and i can see their information is starting to seep in. I may not have internalized it yet or even begun to get recover but i am beginning.

So i think i my medicine is masturbation to help me because I get so stressed because of school because I don't do my work and procrastinate. So i am trying to destress my self and actually get work done!

This past week, I have struggled to get to and i get bored so i fall. Any one have any suggestions?

Stick around here
don't hibernate!
b'hatzlachah

I like cordnoy's idea!!!!!!!

BTW, some of your post didn't come out, i think your question was "This past week, I have struggled to get to bed/sleep and i get bored so i fall. Any one have any suggestions?"

Meaning you have a hard time falling asleep, right?

Hi Everyone!

Sorry i haven't been able to post for a while. I went/still am at a Yeshiva for a couple weeks and I wasn't able to post. Things are happening. I was clean for 7 days before I fell on wednesday. Oddly enough that same day the Rosh Yeshiva gave a shmuze on taiva and I finally made a neder to not watch tv and movies!

Also I have been talking to Hashem here and there and I started this thing where once a day you thank Hashem for 3 things! I started it a couple days ago and it really has turned my perspective around already

I am starting to think more on just living life then worrying about not falling. Ofcourse i have been taking neccesariy precautions: like not looking women on the street (and actually have been doing pretty well) But life is good as always.

Oh and also I have been slowly retracting from all of my female relationships over the past little while as talking to girls less is always a good thing for me. This has definitely helped me keep my mind sane

I am still having trouble with fantasies but i know thats normal so illi just try to think about something else

School starts up again soon. Hopefully this semester will be less stressful and better than the last one.

Just a few things that have been on my mind recently. I'm just trying to live a day at time. Today, Today, Today.