Ontheedgeman, I am giving your post s tanding ovation. Thank you for reminding me of who I really am, and how much I still need to do.
Mottel

Bring it on Ontheedgeman - lambast away.  I feel the support and love of my fellow afflicted Yidden, so let's got to work

Something has happened to me that is very important in my life here on GYE in the last few weeks.  I feel like I've started the right journey- the journey that I've been hoping for for many years.  I'm sure it will have its up and downs - but as i said in one of my first posts - I believe this is one of my life's avodahs.  Have to improve.  Have to change.

Who knows what pain I'm covering up, let's peel away the layers, become our better selves and better ovday Hashem.

PM coming at ya.

Now yer talkin'.

Thanks Obor.

H2, the first step in the 12 steps of recovery is admitting we are powerless over X and that our lives had become unmanageable.  Seems like you have nailed this step down pat. I'm hoping that now that even though your life is "manageable" you will push on.  Based on your posts, I'm wondering how you'll now do with steps 2 and 3. 

"2.  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
"3.  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

I thought I had these points nailed, I'm a BT so of course my spiritual awakening involved turning everything over to Gcd, so I could even skip these steps.  However, as much as I trust in Gcd, I suspect He left me to my own devices for certain things, and in that respect I'd have to resort to MP's (and alcohol in my case) to cure my pain.

Anyhow my point is, guess what, the program says that I am not going to get better on my own and none of this will fix the problem.  This is no longer about the Great ME and all my intelligence and smarts... this is about Gcd, and realizing, in His Hands I place my spirit.

Have2changeNOW wrote on 02 Feb 2012 00:16:


Yes. Please. Just today. Daven that Hashem should help you through today.  And if that ever seems too overwhelming, just daven that He see you through THIS test, this temptation.  All any of us EVER have is today.

Don't worry about lust attacks.  Keep starving your lust by cutting off it's supply of visual and mental stimulation.  Daven AS SOON as you feel ANY temptation.

You're off to a spectacular start.  There's no reason, no obligation to ever slip or fall again.  Stay far away from lust.  Far, far away.

To life !

Alex

Alex - again beautiful words that hit home and hit my heart. 

Regarding "spectacular start"  . . yes  - there is something special about these recent days for sure - but I feel like one of those bands that is overnight success 20 year later.

My 20 years of hardcore cheating, lying, sneaking, getting arrested once in las vegas for soliciting zonah (that's a whole different story - thank G-d off my record), being mildly blackmailed last year (really shook me up), 'quitting' hundreds of times only to resume, being with disgusting women sometimes, having my computer get a porn virus and need to be replaced at my office (again - somehow no one found out why). the depravity goes on and on.  And I look the poster boy ba'al teshuva.  Oy vey.  G-d willing now I'm heading the right direction.  for real . . .

What's different now?  I realize how my actions are so insane that they could hurt my wife and children physically.  Now i see i am a hopeless lust addict.  now I have a chevra and Recovery program.  Alex wrote "no obligation to ever slip or fall again" - that sounds good. One day at  a time! please G-d.

Well ontheedge - am i covering up some deep pain?  are we all?  I'm not sure. . . .  if so it must be deep.  I just want to keep taking the helpful actions.  Like the '3 second rule', and the mission to say away from triggers, and the frequent davening and the reading and posting.  Step 4 of 12 does sound hard - I think i should get a sponsor as suggested.

Well -mikvah night is tonight.  First time i've ever been nervous about that.  I will follow advice - think it was Dov - and try and get the loving going more than the lust . . . .
I'm so different this time, least lust focus in the last days in years,  and my wife is the same . .  .

Well - a great day to all - I like the phrase here- Keep on Trucking!

Have2changeNOW

Relax, it's still, after all, just another day. Smile a little, relax a little, pray a little, and have fun together, a little. Making a big stinkin' deal about it is silly.

Love you, really - 

Dov

Have2change

It's really great to see you doing so well. It's important to remember that it will not always be this way.  As time goes on and the euphoria wears off, it gets much harder to "keep on trucking" so don't be niave that you have this thing beat and it's smooth sailing from here on.

Keep up the good work.

thanks Dov - that's helpful.  Just chill about tonight.

Orbomottel - i really didn't know if the meeting was SAA or SA - turns out it was SAA,  now I found an SA meeting at better time.  Will try that next week - thank you.

Chevra - yes I know that each day will have its trials - but at least for today - I am really enjoying being sober for the first time in years.  One day at time.

Humble, but hopeful.  Concentrating on recovery hishtadlus.  Each moment at a time. IY"H.  Thankful.  And so glad to tell you all the TRUTH and get such helpful support and insights.  Hope I can help others too.

Time to leave the office and look away from all the women. . .

Be matzliach!

Have2changeNOW

I am truly moved by your commitment.
Have a wonderful Shabbos.
Look into your wife's eyes and sing Aishes Chayil to her.

H2CN,
Good going!
KUTGW
you're rocking and rolling
have a sweet shabbos

ZemirosShabbos wrote on 03 Feb 2012 15:50:

Looks like you found a new element of the periodic table .

Gibbor, how can you talk about the periodic table on erev Shabbos of mikveh night... that's a trigger for some of us...
jj

;-)

Not an element, but a real chemical....related to cyanide  :o

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11539493

http://pubs.acs.org/doi/abs/10.1021/j100173a012

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 03 Feb 2012 17:27:

Some really astute chevra we got here on GYE... or really good Googlers (is that a word?) .