Good point - scarier actually.

To  answer you honestly - not sure if I can be clean for rest of today - have to go with a  big maybe.  Should I throw my full will into it and say "Yes"       

I'm confounded about being powerless.

Have2changeNOW wrote on 23 Jan 2012 20:54:

That realization is the beginning of recovery.

Have2changeNOW wrote on 23 Jan 2012 20:21:

Yes, and I PM'd you back on "January 20, 2012, 10:01:12 PM »" Should I do it again or post it here? Vus vilst dee chabibi?

Have you read the handbooks yet? are you subscribed to chizul emails? are you reaching out to real people in addition to posting here (which, too, is a great thing)?
have you created a fence for yourself: something you must do (call your mother, read perek of Avos, jump 100 times up and down (especially down)) before you call a zonah? Read about the TaPhsic method on the website (Tools area) for more on the fences.
Get pro-active, chaver, or you'll be in a zonah's embrace in no time.
Take it one day at a time, and work each day. If you spent 4 hours a day thinking about zonahs, I think it's reasonable to get used to thinking aabout recovery for 4 hours a day.
So the time commitment is actually not so great if you put it in perspective.
And it's good you're scared: if you were brazen, you couldn't attempt to recover.
Stay scared, buddy, just not paralized from fear: work the recovery. It only works if YOU work it. (oh, and you're worth it! and so are your wife and kids).

Thanks obormottel.  You are speaking straight - and I'm hearing you.  Please keep it coming.  Starting to read the handbooks etc.

Dov - I must be getting mixed up with PM - didn't see your cell number in there.  wherever you want to post is fine with me - I am officially reaching out to GYE members to connect and get picked up.  I'll PM you my number as well.

Thanks much to all!

Have2changeNOW

We are not attempting to be sober for the rest of our lives, just for now.  For most of us, "now" is never longer than today.  Also, for most of us, we had to slowly build up to "one day at a time" and still need to step back occassionally to one hour, minute or even second at a time.  It is a process that takes effort but the effort is worth it.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

Chaimyakov- thank you for that focus on "today".

I never understood that as well as it hit me while reading your post - combined with the up and downs of how my lust is so strong and other times so distant, just this weekend!

The idea of not forever but just today, seems foreign to me - I think coming from my BT perspective.  but it clicked for the first time today!

I think i need to build up some new ways of thinking AND DOING, quickly.  I spoke to my Accountability Partner for the first time today - that seems good.
And I read more of the GYE website last night - i am excited TO DO these various recovery steps.  Like so many others - the mussar sefers haven't helped me to really change in this area.  I think I'm being overoptimistic, based on past experience, but this GYE info seems really strong, on target.  I just need to get used to the fact that this is who i am - and that will be for my life . . . but maybe i can envision staying clean . . .

The ATTITUDES Handbook was very good to focus on that Hashem gave us this mission . . .

Still nervous about STD test . . . no results yet.

Thanks to all for all the help

Have2chagneNOW

havetochange, a belated welcome
just wanted to tell you that i read your thread and i admire you facing up to the reality and i hope and wish you hatzlocha in living free today
zs

Hello SZ and other chevra-men!

Strange day for me - I should get back STD test results today or tomorrow, and it will be so much better (obviously) if I am clean and can just throw myself into recovery.  I'm usually pretty good at preparing for Plan B - but I just can't bear to think of how to go about my life and all difficult next steps if G-d forbid, its bad news.  I can't wait to get the results and just get on with everything . . . its life or death, black or white, elation or crushing. 

I really see now how addicted i am - now that I've admitted to you all, AND MYSELF.  Really so little (as in none sometimes) control.  I have to keep positive - just the fact that i have made this step on GYE and some internal budding realizations - that's huge.  Really want to stay away from the zonah level of acting out!! 

Finding the attitude handbook is great.  next step is to get some more info on building fences, or more importantly - to put that info into play/reality.

Keep well everyone, and I hope to report some good news soon!

Have2changeNOW

Thanks for keeping us up to date.  Your on the road (to recovery),  now just keep your eyes on the road and try not to veer off it.  If you get stuck, we've got some off road vehicles that can offer you some help .

Hang in there, we're all with you, however it turns out. (And we're all "oif shpilkes" along with you right now)

Keep On Monstuh' Trucking!!!!

Gevura!

If it turns out with the result you obviously do not want, then I hope you will be able to come to see that if you are an addict, your addiction is actually much worse than the STD you have. For most, that is silly. Most people do not take their addiction seriously. They say it is serious....but an STD is so much more real to them.

And that is a pity. For the STD is a side-effect of the addiction, and not the other way around. Most people have that completely backwards. Really. Talk is indeed cheap, till the proverbial stuff hits the fan.

And if it turns out to be the result that you obviously do want, then the sad fact is that so many just pick up and leave when that kind of thing happens. The relief is total - the sex and lust problem they have is now no longer that big a deal. Really. They are off the hook now! I am not referring to you, here - unless that is exactly what you end up doing, of course. Only time can (and will) tell. It is not judgementalism, but the simple truth. If I did not believe I really would not make it in this life at all without sobriety and recovery, there is no way in heck that I'd be here. I'd be learning Torah, raising a family, and watching porn movies and acting out as often as I could get away with it.

This is not a moral thing (though morality is a bit of a motivation), certainly not a religious thing (though yiddiskeit certainly motivates us a bit), and I am certainly not a bad guy. But I am a sex and lust addict. That's the truth. Fantasy and sex are my drugs of choice.

But Hashem, in His great Chessed, throws addicts down hard onto the path of recovery. As it says, Yoreh chatoim baderech - yoreh also means to throw down hard (as in "yaroh yiyareh"). He forces addicts into recovery because we drink it in till we vomit. We just do. And that is our salvation, in the end. If we could moderate and enjoy it, we would forever.

OK, enough out of me.

Hatzlocha and of course we are davening that whatever the result is, you will take it the best way. Davening that it will be negative is obviously a t'fillas shav and assur. But we obviously want the very best for you, chabibi!

Well hello Dear addicted Chevra,

I received the results for the STD test – and the way I read the results is an interesting piece of Hashgacha Pretis.    I got the results via email about 5 minutes before I had an important business meeting, so I scanned them very quickly – and saw that I was clear on everything – except for herpes.  So as I run out the door for the big business meeting –  my mind was racing like crazy. How to explain this to my wife, did I infected her!, and that OMG – I really actually caught something.  Talk about a double life and faking everything.  Inside I was freaking out but I was all smiles and talking at the meeting!  Ugh.

When I got back to the office, and had some time to really review the test results, and call the Test Center – it turns out there are two kinds of herpes – one that many, many people (80% of population I was told) catch that is transmitted by touch and colds. This is herpes 1, or oral herpes, which causes canker sores. 
Then there is herpes 2 (genital herpes) – which is the STD.    And I have herpes 1 - which is really no big deal – in other words NO STDs!!!!

But I thought/felt for about two hours like I did have an STD – and what a punch in the gut.

So Hashem gave me the feeling of pain of being caught for a few hours – but now I really have the chance to keep this terrible double life a secret from my wife, kids and community – and just let it out in recovery with you – the GYE and 12 step community.  So I can really focus on recovery!    And not that terrible public and family shame that could have been right around the corner for me. 

Recover from what?? I’ve gone to over 400 prostitutes in 20 plus years, and having unprotected sex with probably about 5% in recent years.    NO MORE  ZONAHS!!

Special shout out to Dov!  Thanks to many of your advice (Lasttry, HM, Gibbor, Yechida, Obormottel, Blindbeggar, others) – that is the only reason I went to get tested for STD – your input,  and other good advice.

And now I feel like a IY”H can make a good start in recovery!  I feel humbled, but hopeful.

Have2changeNOW

"If i would be Hashem, i would do things exactly the same way"  Rav Ezriel Tauber

Don't let go of the pain you felt during those two hours.  They were a precious gift from above that can aid you on your journey.  Use that pain, don't discard it.
 

Glad the news was positive.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov

I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOW YOU ARE READY TO JOIN WITH A CLEAR MIND. HATZLACHA.