Thanks for the suggestions - all sound good, and I will put some into play.  Unfortunately I don't really have a one-to-one recovery buddy yet, so can't try that one.

Here's what I think is really bothering me:  BARUCH HASHEM I have had a taste of being really clean for the first time in years for the last few weeks, by a huge miracle from Hashem, the chizuk and belonging to the this holy GYE chevra, and the smack in the face of the STD tests recommended here.

But tonight will be the first time since then that I'm in a high probability triggering zone - where i can't just look or walk away.  And I don't feel the urge now, rather i feel the strong to desire to stay clean, but I realize i don't trust myself - and I'm afraid of the few hours and my weakness and 'millions' of times i failed in the past.

Often in the 'old' days, I would think I wouldn't act out - and then I did.  And I'm worried that my surrendering to Hashem might not be as strong as my not trusting myself.  I almost had  a mini-panic attack - just because I so much don't want to fail, to go back, and I thought of all the junk I did before, even though I didn't want to.  Please G-d, and whatever I can do, make it different this time!!

I don't want a test.  Right now - I'm not doing a good job of thinking about one moment at time, instead I'm thinking ahead too much.  But writing this is giving me chizuk.

I'll try and check in for the next few hours, IY"H I will be a lust addict who just doesn't act out and instead I just gives my thoughts of lust, if they come, over to Hashem.

thank you all for being there - so helpful to tell my true feelings in general, and entering this 'red zone' situation in particular.

All the best

Have2changeNOW

What is it that might potentially trigger you?

Try to remember that you are not like normal people.  Normal people may be able to get away with this or that here or there.  For us addicts, our brains, bodies, and minds are wired differently.  Once we take that first sip, or the first slip, there is no telling where it can end up.  You have seen this countless of times I'm sure.  "Vehayu letotafot beyn eynecha" - it should be a sign between your eyes.  YOU ARE NOT NORMAL.  Our thoughts are not normal.  Our beliefs about healthy sex are not normal.  We are sick, twisted nut cases.  Add THAT to your Yom Kippur liturgy.

I am slowly starting to see that if I am truly an addict, then there can be no "ifs and or buts" (no pun intended) about it.  There can be no "If I just have a 30 minute massage, I'll be okay... it will reduce my preoccupation about sex for the week... If I just get my wife to do x, it will give me reprieve from my preoccupation". 

Nope.  doesn't work like that.  and insanity is going through this same ** routine over and over.  OKAY THIS TIME I CAN DO IT.  Nope.  Not even.

the way out is acceptance, I am different than non-addicts, my brain is different.  and I need to constantly turn it over to Gcd.  Even that tiny little part that I NEED to hold on to, for ME, I gotta give that over too.

Good news Chevra - the possible trigger scenario of staying by myself in the office with not fully filtered PC for a few hours was a success tonight - NO ACTING OUT!  Baruch Hashem!

A HUGE special thanks to those of you have gave me recommendations.  I never listened to the Shmiras enayim clips before - those were awesome and helped a great deal!!  I have been looking for shmuzin about this stuff and didn't see that on GYE yet - so thanks doubly.  and special yasher koach to Zemiros Shabbos - who PM'd me with offer to keep in touch directly if I needed it.  It was great to not be 'alone'

I have such hakoras hatov - maybe i'm really starting to recover . . . IY"H.  I know - one day at a time

Be matzliach and good night!

Have2chagneNOW

lechaim!


please remember that you didn't win the war- you survived a battle.

Have2changeNOW wrote on 15 Feb 2012 04:32:


Great Job !!! H2CN  ...you gotta give us a better name !!!

KEEP LISTENING  !!!!  Glad you took my advice...works wonders for me...Am into 130 days and up one day at a  time.

You can do it too....

HY

H2,
I really feel like I'm in this with you.  Didn't see your late day posts yesterday, but very happy you made it through.  I don't think you were departing from "one day at a time."  It is reasonable, when you know you will be faced with a special nisayon, to give yourself a big "heads up," which is exactly what you did.  I would just add, and you probably did this, to daven in advance of the nisayon for help getting through it.

As addicts, we must plan ahead.  It's part of being powerless.  It's part of avoiding that which we otherwise have no control over.

Well done!
Alex

Have2changeNOW wrote on 14 Feb 2012 21:52:


This is why in addition to a filter, most experts recommend an accountability program such as webchaver, so even if you know "the one or two websites that [you] can get to 'around' the filter" your activity will be reported to someone.  Hatzlacha

You Guys are awesome!  I came in this morning, read your posts, and smiled a real smile.  Feeling that I had a group of caring guys who love me, and could hear your cheers for last night's 'secret' success.  Just not gonna do this alone!  And what  a great feeling to not give in, and to focus on all the recovery good stuff.  Baruch Hashem!!

I feel the love - its amazing that we are just talking online - but so personal. So real without meeting. Its sharing the true scary content of our real lives.

The chizuk from you  - INVALUABLE!

I'm davening for all of us  - funny for some of the online names - but lets just KOT!

Lots of love - Have2changeNOW  (working on the name change - but this one fits )

How about CH₃CH₂OH?  ;D

a name only a mother could love (if she could remember it!)

Have2changeNOW wrote on 15 Feb 2012 18:57:

Don't worry about the name change, worry about the REAL change.  BTW + ) = )

Have2changeNOW wrote on 15 Feb 2012 19:24:


It's easy to remember, it's pronounced WOODFORD!  ;D

Amen to the REAL change!

And i believe that its pronounced Glenlivet in my neck of the woods 

So can we call you Glen?

Glenhas2changeNOW - that's a beauty!