Thump wrote on 22 Dec 2011 20:35:


Wow. As an FFB, having grown up "knowing" that Hashem is "here there and everywhere", it gets so familiar and the feeling is not always there. It's awesome to actually experience the intensity of the realness of it. I wish i could have that always. Hang onto it, and may you continue to grow in all ways and find true happiness.

Gevura!

I exchanged messages with someone earlier, and here's what the fellow said:
"I was davening to Hashem all day to help me ... and He arranged some amazing circumstances and it was a great time.  A little strange but really nice.  I'm a bit in awe and a bit numb."
So this feeling of being awe-struck when Hashem is found once He is sought seems to be an across-the-board reaction...myself included. I just love the feeling of His presence in my life.

gibbor120 wrote on 23 Dec 2011 16:42:


I'm being sincere about what I write here, I mean what I say. Simply I am someone who lacks integrety : I haven't done things I should have done, and I've done things which are against my own value system. As a result I feel torn.
Anyway. I need to move on now. I'll see what can be done.
Basically, at the moment, I feel I'm a mess inside and I'm afraid I cannot be redeemed. I guess I'll leave that in the hands of G.D.
Talk to you soon.

obormottel wrote on 23 Dec 2011 23:05:


Thanks, it makes things easier to know I'm not alone feeling that way.

anyone seeking a partner contact the main GYE email for partners partner.gye@gmail.com

After almost 5 months going clean, I relapsed. That is plain awful. I feel plain awful.

Thump wrote on 03 Jan 2012 22:33:

Don't let it drag you down buddy.  5 WHOLE MONTHS!  WOW!  That is a loooong time, especially for guys like us.  Get right back up and KOT!

I just rounded the corner on five months clean, and I know I would feel awful.
The main thing for me would be to make sure I hit the ground running, and immediately pick myself up without a chance for feeling self-pity.
Feeling your pain, brother,
Mottel

Now's when Hashem is REALLY close. Closer than when you were clean as it says, imcha anochi b'tzara- G-d says: I am with you in your pain. Now's your chance, man. Take the bull by the horns and run with it! Five days and I'm going bonkers! And you're working off 5 months. That's greatness, my friend. Please tell me your shoe size because, I'd love to be in it!  ;D

Thanks for your help guys,
As I told you I relapsed a few days ago. That was horrible. I can't describe how awful and dark these last few days have been.
Whatever, I'm not going back to my old addict's way of life.
Hopefully, G.d will allow me  to stop that insanity NOW.
Yes looking at porn compulsively is -to my opinion- a form of insanity. It's an illness.
May G.d protect and cure us all from that blight.

Omein, amd more power to you, brother.

Thump,
Everything is so "me" in everything you are going through.  It seems natural(for me anyway) to focus on the "bad" and dismiss the good. But that never helped me.

5 months clean!  Amazing!  i am so jealous of that accomplishment.  Since becoming addicted 30 years ago i have never reached such a milestone.  You are doing so many things right otherwise you never could have succeeded for so long. 

Lets look at this with a mathematical eye.  5 months=153 days=3672 hours
fall=minutes or hours at most
lets say 2 hours for our sake.  2/3672=.00054466
In other words you were 99.9994553% perfect over the last 5 months
Take heart, you are so close to perfect it is practically a done deal.  Look closely at what happened and see what you can do to mend the hole in your protective fence and move onward and upward.
All the best,
chaimyakov

Don't fall.  Bounce!
Right back to where you were before.
Forget the count.  This isn't a game with a score.
It is life itself.  It is only about today.  That's all we ever get.  Today.

chaimyakov wrote on 05 Jan 2012 17:01:

I like your calculation, it really puts things into perspective!

Dear Thump,

Have you ever read Chapter 5 of Alcoholics Anonymous - especially the first two pages of it? It's a great and classic read. I live through it, as do many other good people like us who are addicts. If you have not read through it carefully, it may be a good time to do so. If you have already read it, it may be time to read it again from your fresh open-wound perspective - you are open now and suferring...unlike many people, you can read it like it is really true now.

Another classic read that may fit well with what you are going through now, is the Member Story in the back half of AA called (in the 4th edition), "Acceptance was the Answer". Really earthshatterring for me, and it is every time I re-read it.

You are obviously a very sweet and sensitive person. Your open admission that you cannot rely on yourself is refreshing and precious. Your pain is obviously terrible. The loneliness is poison and I feel that you have no option but to go out and try to help others in whatever way you can, just in order to be joined with the human race. Maybe you cannot leave your house for some reason, phisically - then use your computer. And consider praying. Even if you do not understand G-d. Trust me, your poor understanding is not significantly better than the 'understanding' of G-d that the most religious person has ever had! Go for it. Humility is really the key to prayer and theis recovery thing - not understanding, wisdom, piety, or knowledge.

Maybe you can see what there is for you in recovery, in the words of "How It Works".

All the best,

Dov