Worse case you can say to yourself, Ok, i will give in to you Y"H and cat out.

But first, i have a few things to do, I will 1] Listen to a wonderful song by Reb Shlomo carlebach, 2] then I will go out and jog for 15 minutes, 3} Listen to one clip (20 minutes) of Shmiras Eynayim group, 4] call a sponsor. then after all that, I will give in....

Hey  !! Who says its only the yetzer Horah who can trick US. WE have the right to play the same game with him dont we ??!!!

HY

You turn his initials around too  ;D

Hey Chevra,

A Freilechen Chanukah! Just wanted to check in.... Baruch Hashem Yisborach, I am still going strong. Tomorrow will be 50 days!!! (easy big guy, thats tomorrow. Focus on today!). I have been calling in to the phone calls as often as I can but I have been very crazy busy at work that its been difficult to do on a regular basis. Talking about work. I have been having a lot of challenges at work. More than ever. Its at a point where I'm thinking of leaving my job. I think I am willing to even take a pay-cut in a new job just to get out of this stress filled and unreasonably high expectation job. No, I cant afford to take a pay-cut but my stress and my family is more important. Nonetheless, I have not resorted to the drug that has helped me cope with stress and pressure all these years. In fact, I find myself being more assertive and outspoken to my boss. I wonder if this change is related to my "journey."

Anyway, I am really excited about how long I have gone as I've never been clean for this long with an exception of an aliyah during my yeshiva years about 10 years ago. And that may have only lasted 2 or so months. I actually opened up to someone (another addict, not in SA but in AA) in person that I am in the program for the first time. It was a weird experience. Keep trucking chevra!!

A freilechen!

Anon,
Thanks for the good-news update!
BTW, I like your tag line.
Shteig on and on!
Alex

Gevura ShebYesod wrote on 14 Dec 2011 18:57:


Sure why not -- turn him on his head... :o

Hey Anon,

Great work we're proud of you. I feel very similar although I'd like to tell some people in my work off too not there yet but maybe soon with Hashems help. 

Am myself onto 65 days now and keepin on truckin, feeling real good about that, but lousy about other family issues etc....

Happy Chanukah everyone...!  Not much time left to say that....Gotta 'Chap Arayn'...

Well after 65 days of being clean, I fell  :-[ :'(

I worked hard, fought through the difficult beginning but it all came crashing down.

I watched a youtube clip that someone sent, one of the funny ones, and I starting watching another and another until I was watching very questionable, (stop minimizing, inappropriate) videos. I stopped myself a few times. Even came here to read some posts and update my 90 day chart. But my unhealthy, drug seeking mind had already kicked in. I went back to youtube until it eventually caused me to go to the dreaded sites that totally destroyed what I had built up. What was upsetting to me was my healthy side kept saying, "Call your sponsor! Post something! Reach Out! Go for a walk! Leave your isolation!" But the Tyva had already beaten me up.

So.... After a day of re-self destruction, I'm back. I have one day clean and I know that if I utilize the resources and the chevra I found here I can do it again and go further. But for NOW, I need to refocus on today and tonight.
I need to leave the self pity and feelings of failure and despair and focus on my relationship and connection with Hashem. He helped me before, He helped me today, and He will help me in the going forward. Thats how Awesome He is!!

hatzlochah so nice to be exposed to your avoidah.

Your post shows so clearly how your fall was a part of your overall ascent.
Now you know with certainty that you can't tolerate even the slightest lustful look; not even a peek. Much like myself.
So get up, and keep on working one day at a time. And you didn't "destroy" anything you've build up: you fell once in 65 days. You can't pay any money for this kind of experience, but once you've lived it, it's yours forever.
You can do it again, and more. Build and upkeep your fences, and stay away from looking at "innocuos" things on the internet.
Hatzlocho.
Mottel

Thanks for the chizzuk. I certainly can learn from this experience; both the 65 clean days and the fall. I need to engage more and reach out more. I need to listen to my triggers and utilize the support that Hashem has led me too. I need to re-engage in my connection and communication with Hashem, on the level it was in the beginning of my journey. Maintain. Maintain. Give it to Hashem. Thank you for the chizzuk and please keep it coming. It is a tremendous comfort and source of inspiration. Ashrecha!

Yasher Koach anontyva.  You will learn from this and GROW.  It's a process, and we never get there, but we continue to truck on.  So KOT my friend!

Look at it this way, youve climbed a ladder 65 rungs high and then a few rungs broke and you fell a little but so what? do you jump down now and give up and walk away into the pit? NO WAY !! JUst keep climbing !! Youre still up there pretty high above and you'll go much farther this time...

I also heard this great vort (I think Rav Avigdor Miller Z"L) that when youre in the jungle and looking for the first steps of the ladder they are very hard to find amongst the bushes etc, but once youre up 2 steps, its clear sailing from there !!

The first steps, the first days are the hardest, but after that its a lot easier to continue.

Fell, shmell, who cares, Youre still so high up !! Just keep going !!

with love and chizuk, HY

Just writing in.... I have restarting my trek. I am positive and optimistic. I don't know if I can maintain long term sobriety but that's the beauty of it... I don't  NEED TO KNOW.. I can pray that today I stay clear of triggers and temptations and be confident that our Loving Father will hear me and accept me and bring me close to him. I don't need to be hopeless because I never thought I would maintain over 2 months of sobriety but I did that. Unfortunately, I put my guards down and lost focus. That may happen again, but just for today (or at least the next few minutes) I will maintain my boundaries and be trigger-free.

Very well put.
Keep posting your progress. It's a big chizuk for all to see someone dilligently at work. It's not about winning, it's about staying in the game, as the oldtimers will tell you.
Much love,
Mottel

anontyva,
finally had the time to read through your posts.  Wow, you are very inspiring.  So much of what you write is me and my struggles.  Normal teen actions, marriage didn't stop the problem, alone with the computer, questioning glances etc. from your wife, davening/learning covered in shmutz, the "thrill of victory and the agony of defeat".
  i have posted this elsewhere. It says in the Torah about Avraham and others "bah bayamim" coming with days.  If my memory is correct, Rabbi Adler of Ohr Somayach says that each day lived properly accompanies a person to Olam Habah.  You have achieved a tremendous thing.  So far you have 65 days to accompany you to Olam Haba and kein yirbu, many more will soon begin piling on.  For anyone like us this is unbelievably HUGH!  Keep up the great work.  If you are mathematically inclined, look at this with math and it will amaze.  65 days=1560 hours if your fall was an hour, lets say, then your score is 1559/1560=0.99935897.  This means for the 65 days under discussion you were 99.935897 % perfect.  If you were an athlete, or stock broker, you would be considered the best of all times!  It sounds like you are taking stock and learning from your mistakes.  i have the utmost confidence that you are on your way to even greater greatness.
Hatzlacha in all things GOOD.
chaimyakov