going crazy. need to act out but dont want too!  the constant pain is unbearable >

It sounds like you need to take some concrete steps toward recovery.  Stop fighting.  Start doing.  Consider joining a phone group.  Read through the GYE handbook.  Study the 12 steps and start working them.

Do something for yourself.  Your real self.  Not your addict.

in crazy pain today. i dont have the strength to deal with this SSA. its draining me. if it wasnt for my wife and kids i would end life already. i made enough damage already and it will only get worse if i dont have the strength to do it.  just end the misery and deal with the punishments that are waiting for me in shamayim earlier when as apposed  to live for another 50-60 -70 years and rack up more and more aveiros.

Are you in therapy?  If not, do yourself a favor and get some ASAP!  We are here to listen, as always.

didnt help

hurtandinpain wrote on 10 Oct 2011 16:58:


You've just arrived at step 1 -- admitting powerlessness.  Well almost.  Because then you say it's draining you.  Which means you're trying to fight it.  Head on.  It hasn't worked up until now.  Are you ready to stop wallowing in self-pity?  Are you ready to make some real changes?  Are you ready to begin recovery from your addiction?

its not that im fighting it. i cannot live this way.

Dear Hurt,

I feel where you are, i've been there too. Our temptations are EVERYWHERE, there is no escape. Those first few weeks I was literally crying from the pain of trying not to look, not to want, not to think. I wandered around in a daze, jsut trying to look down at the floor and singing sad nigunnim to myself. I took chances crossing the street in traffic, thinking "Hashem here's your chance to end it and take away the pain". Like you, it was only the thought of my family that helped me pull through, I could not bear to think of what they would suffer if something bad really happened to me. And of course reading all the stories here on GYE (I wasn't posting yet then) reminded me that I can get through this, I'm not the first one to try.

So to steal a phrase from "their" propaganda, "It gets better!" Once you get through the initial withdrawal it will not be so bad. For me it has sort of settled down into mainly a shemiras einayim problem. As long as I dont see stuff i'm OK. But when I get triggered (and again, they are everywhere!) it starts coming back and I have to push it back down. I don't know if it will ever go away completely, it will probably be a lifelong battle.

meanwhile, focus on doing things to improve yourself rather than just wallowing in the pain. Work on your relationship with your family, get close to your kids. Read the handbooks and find ways to incorporate the concepts and steps into your life and your thoughts (I am not doing the formal 12 steps, but I found that many of the ideas there helped me a lot.) Share your struggles here with us, it really helps to let it out.
And daven hard and throw your problems on Hashem, say "I really want to let go of this and I can't, So I am giving it over to you". Pischu Li Pesach Kchudo shel Machat, He is just waiting for you to give him an opening, to really commit to change.

And most important of all, do not let yourself be fooled into thinking that this issue defines who and what you are. That is a sure path to depression and giving up. Just remember, you have a special holy neshoma, and you were entrusted by Hashem with this special challenge, because He knows that you CAN do it, with His help. You just have to ask!

Keep On Trucking!!! (and keep in touch)

Gevura!

Gevura!

Dear, dear brother! The guys who are going through what you are (and I know a few) are truly agonizing. It's an exhaustive battle, for sure. But here, on this forum, you found fellow soldiers, you found ammuniation, protective gear, food ratios, and much much more for a successful fight. My personal favorite is the Attitude Handbook, I read it over and over again in my first days, filled with pain and hopelessness that you describe so well.
For me, it was a physical struggle, too. I was close to crying many times. You can see my posts about it here http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4302.msg114917#msg114917, and also on following posts down that thread.
It does get better, so take it slow, but be consistent.
A gute kvittel!

How's it going, my friend?

you can do it! youre in the right place!

hurt -

i know how you feel.
felt the same way.

also agree that therapy is like a bandaid - not a cure.
its a one way program - you talk they listen.

s/a, etc is different - when you can talk with someone and share/listen to their pains and hurts too
helps to realize you are not alone.

not sure if there is more to your story or not - but it seems like a big difference between you and me... while we were both abused.. at some point I crossed the line, and became the abuser.

I often questioned where is the fairness in life. After struggling with myself for many years, (as well with therapist, rabbis, counselors, coaches, etc) finally found GYE ... and the road to recovery.

but what about those who were abused - what do they get out of it.

One day it occurred to me - they get a taste of olam haBa if they choose the path of forgiveness. Its an incredible level - but its also a fine line which one can cross to the other side and turn their pain into becoming an abuser.

those who hurt you - were not out to hurt you, but were only trying to come to terms with their own pains/hurts.

post.post.post

come out of isolation.
cry if you need to - lots of shoulders here to lean on

allow yourself to feel the pain.
if you can feel it - you can heal it.

and one by one - we'll turn this dark world into the light of the dawn

(whoooosh!! where'd all that stuff come from.. hello?? hello?  anyone else in here.. who said that?? )

dov.ii

i understand the feeling of "therapy is like a bandaid"
however, my life was literaly saved with therapy
by the way, the best therapy is to really throw yourself in torah BAEEYOON, with all your 248 parts, for a prolonged period, with your mind set that this torah will bring me closer to hashem, and it will teach me to live the way hashem wants me to, then me and anyone else wouldnt be in this forum

I fell big time!!!!

But you held out and fought for a couple of weeks first. Hashem sees the effort, nobody is expected to be perfect the first time out.

So get back in the truck, we are all here rooting for you!

Gevura!