I'm new here. i wanna ask anyone with SSA, is it worth living life this way knowing that you are different and will never be happy?? or did you find ways to be able to live through it. I'm 31 married and have been struggling with this for 20 years. I was mollested by an older brother for many years as a child and teenager. does that have anything to do with this?  its becoming harder and harder to live this way. have had my ups and downs trying to stop aqcting out. had sometimes where i stopped for a few months and then went back to it full force. now im clean since before slichos. wonder how long it will last. i think i would rather be dead then i see how selfish i am!! i have a beautiful lovely wife and the most adorrable kids and they dont matter???? im really sick

WELCOME!  There are a number of people here with SSA, so hopefully someone will chime in soon.  There is help here.  Stick around!

Here is the official welcome package.

Welcome to our community, you have finally come home!

GuardYourEyes (GYE) is a vibrant network and fellowship of Jews of all affiliations, struggling to purify themselves and break free of lust related behaviors. For the first time, there is somewhere to turn to for help in these areas. We're all in the same boat here. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama  .  Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up with them!
 
In the last couple of years, the GYE network has helped roughly 1,000 Jews get back on a path of sanity, self-control and healing and has touched the lives of thousands more. GYE has become known throughout the Jewish world as the number one address for dealing with these challenges which have reached epidemic proportions. 

The tools of our recovery program were developed with guidance from the best experts in the field, such as Rabbi Dr. Avraham J. Twerski, and through the personal experience of hundreds of Jews who successfully broke free. We use a unique approach that recognizes that there are many different levels in these struggles.

Our network is comprised of a website, a pulsating forum, phone conferences, daily Chizuk e-mails, support hotlines, therapists, live 12-Step groups and a program of recovery for all levels of this struggle/addiction.

All our work is free of charge and we zealously protect the complete anonymity of all our members.

Here are some quick things you can do to help you jump straight into your journey:

1) See the "GYE Program in a Nutshell" (Right Click the link and press "Save Link/Target As" to save the PDF file to your computer) that can help you quickly identify at what level of the struggle you are at, and which tools and features would help you most at your particular level.

2) Install a strong filter (see this page for more info). It is hard to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away.  The filter gabai at filter.gye@gmail.com will hold the passwords for you. We also highly advise installing "Reporting Software" such as webchaver.org to give you some accountability.

3) Join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day.

4) Join the 90 Day Challenge. Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change the neuron pathways created by addictive behaviors in the brain.

5) Post away on this forum, where hundreds of yidden like you exchange chizuk and post logs of their journey to recovery. You will internalize that you are not alone, and you will learn the techniques and attitude that work for so many others.

6) Join our free anonymous phone conferences, led by an experienced sponsor.

7) If you need more general guidance, write to GYE’s helpline at gye.help@gmail.com or call the hotline at 646-600-8100.

8.) Download and read the "Guard Your Eyes Handbook" (a hard copy can be purchased for cost price over here). This handbook outlines the GYE approach in detail, and makes our network much more effective and helpful for people. The handbook has two parts:

A) The first part, "The 20 Tools", detail suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. No matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

The second part, "Attitude & Perspective", detail 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

Our souls cry inside of us, but we have accustomed ourselves to block out that cry. Today we can begin to be who we really want to be.

We are here for you.
www.GuardYourEyes.org
GYE E-Mail Helpline: gye.help@gmail.com
GYE Phone Hotline: 646-600-8100
Help us help others: Donate Here

Dear Hurt,

There is an important article on this topic that was just published, based on a discussion with Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky, Shlita.

See hakirah.org/CurrentIssue.htm (the article is not currently available online, but you can buy the journal online for $10.  Within 6 months, the article should be online, but I don't suggest waiting until then).

Hatzlacha!

I suppose this is not the whole article?

hakirah.org/Vol%2012%20Goldberg.pdf

gibbor120 wrote on 05 Oct 2011 21:28:


No, that's only the first two pages ["It is our policy to put the full text of the articles onto our web site only after the next issue becomes available. Only the first two pages of the articles in this, the current issue, are available for viewing"].

hurtandinpain- I feel for you brother- I have wondered the same thing.  Being married to a great woman who was abused as a child, I to some degree know what that can do to a person.  Hang in there!

What type of mussar/mechshava learning are you into?

You sound like a prime candidate for Breslov teachings (I got into it 2 years ago).
Reb Nachman writes: I belive in Olam Habah, I have trouble believing in Olam Hazeh, however, all I see is gehenom.
Keep in mind that comes from the master of simcha!  There is a way....

Dear Hurt,

I am in my 40's also married with kids, and I am just beginning to learn that there is life after (or with) SSA. I did not suffer the horrific events that you went through as a child, but I let my SSA fester within me for 30 years until I recently was forced by Hashem to come out of hiding and confront it. I discovered this amazing website and life has not been the same since. I am learning that I can control myself, and also coming more and more to appreciate the wonderful Chasodim that Hashem has done with me, that I have a loving wife (who now knows all about this and is unbelievably understanding and supportive) and beautiful children who are growing up b'derech hatorah.

I am coming to terms with the fact that my fantasies cannot and will not ever be fulfilled, but that they do not represent the real me, they do not define my identity. They are just a unique Yetzer Hora that I have, that Hashem engineered my life for me to confront, just like others have their individual challenges and tests. And I too have been given the power by Hashem to overcome my tests, as hard and painful as they are. It's a work in progress, with lots of pain and heartache, but I am overall so much happier now that I am on a true path of Avodas Hashem.

So come Truck with us, read through this site and the handbooks etc. And you will find tools and methods that will aid you in your struggle. And we are all here to help and encourage you.

Gevura!

P.S. if you want you can read my full story here http://www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4125.0

Kedusha wrote on 05 Oct 2011 21:29:


The full article is 19 pages long.

hurtandinpain have you ever seeked help from a sycho therapist?
there is so so much help available, every victim thinks that he is the worst off, until he gets help

tried help. found it being more like a bandaid then a cure.

gvurah,


your strory is amazing, however your wife is more amazing. i came clean about the molesring part but not about the SSA part. she wont handle it well.

Hi,

I told my wife out of desperation, before I found GYE, before I even thought about recovery. I didn't care how she would handle it, I was prepared for even the worst possible reaction. It didn't matter to me, I just needed to escape from the prison I was living in, however it would be. Boruch Hashem she reacted in a good way, and guided me onto a path of recovery and growth.

Perhaps now is not the best time to tell her, especially if you are worried about her reaction. But if she already knows about what happened to you, she might be understanding. Maybe down the road, after you have worked on yourself some and have positive results to tell her, you can open up, perhaps in the presence of a therapist. Actually the molestation issue gives you a good reason to be seeing one, so you don't have to hide that you are going, just the real reason why. And when it's time you can tell her that he wants her to get involved in helping you with that, and you can bring her along and break it to her there.

I don't know where you are located, if you are interested contact me by PM and I can can give you the information about the therapist I spoke to.

Gmar Chasima Tova and Hatzlacha in everything. May Hashem help you transform your hurt and pain into growth and happiness.

Gevura!

Here are a couple of good articles by Dr Ben Zion Sorotzkin.  Someone here pointed me to one of his articles recently and I have been very impressed.

drsorotzkin.com/articles.html#Homosexuality

hurtandinpain.  I guess your nickname says it all.  I too went to therapy.  Lots of it.  It helped me in many ways, but not with my addictions. 

Here you will find the beginnings to a new life, and all the support and information you need.

I hope the guys who can identify with your situation will find you.  There are lots of guys, you are definitely not alone.

hatzlocho

Reb Hurting,
I am so sorry you were abused in such a horrible way by your own brother.  Doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand why you feel the way you do about people, sexuality, and your self.

Like the rest of us here, you fell into addiction, with the added dimension of SSA.  Some common threads among all of us are selfishness, detachment from those close to us, detachment from G-d, Torah and mitzvos.  And the misery of never having what we want, what we crave, what we fantasize about, act out about.  No fun craving something you can't have.

You crave relationships and relations with males.  You came by it honestly.  You were sexualized prematurely, and thus didn't develop a normal sense of self, a normal sexual identity.  All true.  But what to do now?  Now you're the father, the husband, the head of the house.  The protector of the children.  The one entrusted with the neshamos that are your children.  What to do?  I just don't feel it!?  I just want to go out there and.......

You know how you got where you are.  You've done the analysis.  The next step is to get well.  Your addiction is holding you back.  Start doing.  Start working the steps.  Start getting into real recovery.  Intercept the addictive behaviors and thoughts.

Once a little freer of the addiction, you will be able to give more freely, feel for your children, be there for them.  Be their warm, loving father they so desperately need.  Hug them and kiss them.  Tell them they're wonderful.  Start doing.

Keep sharing with us.  We want to see you through.
Alex