He, I like them. Shkoach!

btw, it reminds me of yesterdays maariv. We say in prayer "melech memis umhaye umatzmiach yeshua" I always explained it that if in 1 gilgul you fail hashem is memis umechaye you in a new gilgul and you have another chance to come to your yeshua. but lemayse sheyna is 1/60 of misa. oyb asoy. efshar we just mean that each day could be a new beginning.

OK guys, I need your help. Things have been building up for a while for various reasons.

Yesterday and this morning some things happened. I'm not sure if i should just call it a bad slip or count it as a fall.

Yesterday afternoon i was stressed out big time from work and other stuff (i know, its not an excuse, just an explanation). And i went online (with GYE actually open in another window in the background!) and found a long-forgotten back door to one of those stories I used to read. I actually clicked into it, but before i could even begin to read, I hear "Bloop!" A good friend here had suddenly popped up on chat just to say hi, and i immediately closed that site. Wow! It was like Hashem was grabbing me and pulling me back from the edge...

You'd think that was the end of it. But then yesterday evening i met one of my worst real-life triggers, who I actually had not seen for a couple of months. In my (sick) mind he is associated with that story i almost read, so it triggered me even worse than usual and i had a really hard time not to stare and stare. But i pulled myself away and tried to put it out of my mind. But this morning i woke up to a major fantasy about that person, and i could not hold back and I began to act out... I stopped after a minute, before it "ended".

I'm all shaken up now and i have shared it in greater detail privately with a couple of people. I'm committed to putting it behind me and renewing my efforts to stay away from the bad things. They won't make me feel better anyway.

Wow Guevura, that must be hard!

I just wanted to tell you that you are one of my role models here at GYE.

You guys are the reason im recovering.

My only explanation is that because you are so Chazak, Hashem was going to fire the yetzer from his job because he just can't with you. He have tested you so many times and you with a great effort succeeded. So the yetzer didn't want to loose his job and he tested you stronger, with all his kochos.

That chat incident was a little help from the One Above.

KOT Guevura, I really admire you.

Hatzlocha

Eli

Antartic wrote:

i second that. and i like your wheels!

It sounds like a slip to me. Posting about it here was about the best thing you could do. Seven times the righteous falleth and seven times the righteous picketh himself up, dusteth himself off and trucketh himself vaiter.

I fell last night... all the way this time...

so stupid... i was getting ready for bed and I was attacked by such a strong fantasy... it only took about 10 seconds and it was over I didnt even have time to get all the way aroused and it ws too late.... and the urge only got stronger and i lost all control and did it again on purpose...

I wish i was sad and contrite and stuff but I'm just numb. I wanna just give up but this is day one, for now...

dear holy brother, i feel terrible - we have communicated before but i never noticed your story - i read it today for the first time.DOES R' GUARD KNOW YOUR STORY?? it is one of the most inspiring stories i ever read!! you must be saying - how can you say it's inspiring if i just fell? ah! nonsense!! dont you see in your heart of hearts who you are?? you are a holy jew!! how many people have what you have and just keep going without a sense of regret? (they just haven't found GYE yet).and i dont believe you that you only feel numb - you wouldn't have posted here if you didn't feel regret.and your wife, oh my! you are lucky, lucky, lucky!! you are not alone, reb yid.everyone here is with you! and one more thing - as ralph kramden would say: you're the GREATEST!
jack

p.s.may Hashem hear your cries and pile those tears down on the scale on the side of zchus!!

it's me again - how long are you at this? 2 years? after how many years of acting out? healing takes many more years, and even then we still have a super sensitivity to these things.so dont feel down, please, dont feel down.just have understanding of the situation.at the same time, dont let this 'understanding' be an excuse.so keep plugging and chugging, and EVERYONE here is rooting for you.i'll be thinking of you this shabbos.
jack

Thanks Jack. Right nw i'm holding where i'm crying because i can't cry....

i'm with Jack on this!
to quote Rabbi Calvin Hobbewitz: it's a blip in the continuum!
you are doing awesome
kol hakavod!
imagine if in the years past when things were different you would have a track record of a fall on 1 of 300 days (approx.) you would've bought a case of oatmeal cookies, with sprinkles!
KEEP ON MONSTAH TRUCKING!

ok, i hear.but just one thing, ok? imagine that we're all with you, ok? you are NOT alone, man!

Day 2. Trucking...


I'd like to share a mind game I play with myself sometimes when I'm frustrated and lonely and wondering if all this struggling is really worth it...

I imagine a Novi or a Malach came to me and offered me a choice.

I can have just one night of whatever I want. An ample supply of willing partners eager to do my every whim. Superhuman energy to do it nonstop all night. Unlimited pleasure and ecstacy... But in the morning I drop dead.

Or I can choose to be guaranteed to live to 100 years old with perfect health. As long as i never act out. But every day will be filled with the pain and longing of never being able to have what i want so much.

Now make your choice...

Gevura Shebyesod wrote:


Our minds are probably permanently numbed by years of acting out. So our reaction to new acting out, even if preceded by a long period of sobriety, is the same as it ever was.

The fantasy mind game is interesting, as long as you don't dwell too much on choice A. But the fact is, like it or not, we are all given choice B.

this is what r' guard once told me: we have 2 unmanageables - giving in is unmanageable and NOT giving in is unmanageable.but one of these is death and one is life.which one makes more sense?

We're all here for you. Sharing both your success and your pain.

gibbor