On friday night i had a wet dream. It's not something that has happened very often at all, this was maybe my 3rd time.

I guess it shows me 2 things. Firstly, I am getting somewhere, coz if im acting out i wont be having wet dreams, ill be dealing with that manually - so that's a good thing. But on the other hand, i assume wet dreams come about coz of a buildup of stuff that needs to come out and i guess that's not such a great thing - it probably means I'm still building stuff up during the day.

Bekitsur, I wasn't sure what to make of it. I know it doesn't constitute acting out, it was totally unintentional but i didn't feel good about it, a little guilty as well i guess.... also, in the dream, i was thinking to myself that this is gonna end my best run of recovery and i was powerless to stop it. I guess whatever i am doing hasn't gotten deep enough down yet.

Hey Achbar,

Soon after I began keeping track in the chart I had one too. was also upset at the time as my mind said i had failed, but when i woke up was a little relieved that i had not actually done it to myself consciously.

A disappointment but ya jus gotta keep on truckin'...

thanks HY. I now have a bigger problem though.

I have found such an easy way to get round the filter here at work and i have spent quite a chunk of time taking sneek peeks at things i shouldn't be yesterday and today.

It's really bothering me coz I've lasted so well for 7 weeks, which is double anything ive done in the last 5 years. It's gonna be chanuka tonight and i so want to feel the light and the kedusha but i cant do that if im playing cat and mouse with the lust.

I seem to have forgotten the tools i used to get me this far and i am almost reverting back to old habits. bH i still have not m*** at all in the last 7 weeks so that is a mayleh but how long can that last if i keep peeking into fantasy land.

This post is an attempt to let go of what i have been doing today, put it behind me and reconnect with real life and stop short of a full fall and get back to the growth of recovery.

A marvelous tip that I got from Dov is instead of thinking "how could i have started doing this again? Im much better than that now", I should think "what do you expect from me, i am an addict, ive been doing this for the last 15 years, the last 7 weeks have been a miraculous gift from Hashem and I should turn to Him and ask Him to keep it up".

Thanks for allowing me a place to share.

Thank you for sharing and thank you for your honesty, honestly.

If i ever cant sleep at home an have to go downstairs when nobody is around, I unplug the monitor and leave it upstairs, so my wife is relaxed and Me too !!!.

However you cant unplug the one at work but is there no fear of losing your job if you get caught?  Dovy says once you start looking you have lost your bechira-free choice so the only way is to set up gedarim. 

Another idea perhaps you can go through the motions of acting out in your mind, all the way and then tell yourself, ok so big deal, been there done that 100 times, im bored, find something else to do. I find if your mind is free you wander off.  I keep busy listening to shiurim to keep full of torah.

Happy Chanukah !!  Its all about FReedom !! lets be and stay free !

Hashem Yaasfeni wrote on 20 Dec 2011 19:05:

I don't think this one is a wise idea for obvious reasons.

the y"h has a sack full of answers to our silly excuses
we need firm and solid one way roads

Thanks guys for your chizuk.

bH today is a new day. By the chesed of the RS'O I seem to be in a much better place today. I have reached 50 days without m*** which is joint with my previous longest around my wedding. It's also the 1st day of chanuka and Hashem should help us all to light up the dark winter.

now that is a real solid concreate foundation
may you have a healthy life clean and shiny

gibbor120 wrote on 20 Dec 2011 19:47:


My intention was only to do so if you are about to unzip (!) and are on the edge of falling. 

Certainly there are better ways.  The chachamim give us a bunch of tips, the last one being imagine you are lying in your coffin... ! Obviously, thats an extreme case to inspire some Yiras Hashem when all else fails...  better to be positive and happy and clean....

Happy Chanukah y'all

Sorry, but there are no gimmicks for addicts. Yes, one can get saved from messing up once in a while by a tip from Chaza"l. Bu Chaza"l were not talking to addicts. And if you are not one, then that's fine - it is not a 'special club', you know.  I have a progressive and fatal chronic illness. I am a pervert in recovery. I am sober with Hashem's help.

This has nothing at all to do with the tips from Chaza"l.

Therefore, I hope and pray you do not offer them up to addicts as a solution. When it does not work for them - and it will not, for the addicts - then they will lose theior trust in Chaza"l and it will be your fault, for leading them on.

Sorry to be blunt. This is my experience, and I am not here to argue with you. Just trying to point out that you are 100% right - for non-addicts.

Saying that Chaza"l were referring to addicts is plainly ridiculous and I would be glad to explain that any time you like, in person or on the phone.

If "rigzu v'al techeta'u, imru bilvavchem al mishkavchem v'domu selah" was referring to addicts, then why did Rav Elazar ben durdaya (probably one of the few mentioned in Chaza"l who was actually an addict) need to die? Why didn't someone just tell him to "drag the menuval to the beis hamidrash", or something, and he'd have quit having sex with the prostitutes?

Yes, the eitzos of Chaza"l are 100% emess and I believe in them, too. But when I say "addict", I am referring to a very sick person, not one who just masturbates cuz it feels so good - like most of the people who hook up to GYE. I am referring to those who are like me: doing it in order to be rid of the obsession; doing it even though it is torture and they DON'T want to; doing it and feeling like they have to or they'll die - until right after they give in and then tearing their hair out, over and over. I am talking about sweet, good yidden (and goyim) who are doing it and living a double life and hating themselves for it. I am talking about people who know that Tikkun Klali and mikvah are nice - but all the mussar shmuessin in the world and all the deveikus at L'cha Dodi - will not stop them at all from having sex with themselves (you call it masturbating or zera levatola), - or worse - again.

Of course, I have nothing against you, at all. It's not in any way personal. Just please consider who you are talking to when you say the truth. The same truth to one person, is a lie for another person and not Hashem's Will for him. Addicts ned medicine, not advice.

Dov, just a thought...

Chazal do talk to all of us, and everything has a source in Torah. But sometimes the message needs to be interpreted differently for different people.

Just as an example, based on what you just wrote, and what you have written in the past. You constantly say that you felt that you "must have it or you will die", and at the same time you expressed that "hitting the bottom" for you was the realization that if you allow the addiction to control you it will surely kill you.

Isn't that just another Pshat in "Yazkir Lo Yom HaMiso"?

Gevura!

Yes, but I'd call it a drash, not a pshat. But I will concede that to you 100%. Thank you.

The post that I put up about sneeking peeks at stuff at work 2 days ago. Last night my wife suddenly left me in the room alone with the computer for a few mins and without thinking i went straight to the stuff. It lasted around a minute, but I was shaken up about it and I've been dwelling on it all morning and chalashing to watch that video again all morning.

So, during my lunch break, instead of sliding back into it, I called my partner and talked it through. I realised that I have slipped back into my old mode of calling my partner, hoping he will save me and forgetting all about HKB'H. The last 7 weeks, I have really developed my kesher with Hashem and turned to Him all the time when needed.

My chat with my partner reminded me that I have stopped doing that, so as soon as I got off the phone and I had a real personal chat with Hashem about this and the real issues in my life. My neshomah, lit up again and I felt connected and secure bH. It even lead me to dust off the cobwebs in my Bais Hamedrash thread and put in a thought I had about Chanuka. (Feel free to take a look).

I must never forget that I can always turn to Hashem...

I Humbly cede to Dov words, as 'ein Chacham kBaal Nisayon', and you certainly understand the malady better than I, and have more years under the belt (sorry, pun unintended  :D ).

i think an issue with all of us is knowing ourselves and I have and still do try to figure out on what level addiction I am.  is there some way to measure the extent of grip it has on us? I know that until i discovered GYE along with its openess in facing the problem I had, and the tools it offers, I would have been unable to tackle the issue alone which is how most of us dealt for years to no success.

I continue to learn with humility i hope....