@alex94 "but what exactly triggers us is in Hashem's hands"
Yep its not me!

 וינס ויצא החוצה. You did everything you could in a situation that you didn't seek out. Have a little Rachmanus on yourself. 
Thanks loads. Isnt it funny, I love to help others, and automatically will try to be a rachamun. But on myself?!?!? No Way! Such a perfectionist totally nuts.

chancyhk wrote on 28 Apr 2025 17:43:

I dont know....sure felt like an attraction to me....
Would love to be able to utilize this "trick". Little hard to imagine though. Basically just to think that oh its ok I have the attraction but I dont need to chase it and thats ok, thats life. Oh well. I guess I need to work on my selfcontrol because that sounds really hard

Hey holy brothers.
BH on day 9! 
SHOUT OUT TO CHANCYHK - I tried what you said- accepting that its ok to have an urge but doesnt mean I need to follow up with it....and....drumroll please.....it worked!
So now I can look at whatever I want to and I just have to think dont carry through with it- KIDDING.
Either way, feeling lonely now - came home exhausted and just didnt have the patience for my kids that I wish I did. I think that triggered me and is making me feel like a horrible person and I used to run to p&m as an unhealthy outlet but now.....
maybe its because im tired? Any ideas?
Random thought - my wife is forever making friends, keeping up with old ones.
I was thinking in the car tonight how nice it would be to just have a friend to call and shmooze with and communicate with..
but honestly I think the last time I kept up with a friend was a couple of years ago.
But now with work and getting home exhausted and trying to give me kids some attention, and my wife....
theres no time for friends.
Maybe if I had time for friends, to just get out and chill, talk and shmooze, it would make things easier and would take away the lonely feeling?
Anyone relate any feedback?
Thanx

keep strong

wannachange wrote on 01 May 2025 02:20:

Dear WC,

Happy to hear that it works. I will explain a bit more. 
Being addicted to sexual arousal is just as or more addictive than Alcohol or Drugs. The body/brain gets a incredible dose of ''feel good'' hormones. And that makes us feel relaxed and high at the same time.......... So of course we want more and more of that. Its not just our minds wanting it, its more that the brain/body crave it, so by fighting it and telling yourself "dont look, what if you get aroused, what if you act on it" or any other scare tactics, you wont get anywhere. Its already in you, if you fight it, you are thinking about it more not less. The trick is to be cool and logical. 

Yes, it feels good, my brain and body will get that sweet sweet drug that will make everything taste better......
Yes, its normal to feel this way, everyone has desires to one degree or other, maybe mine is higher or maybe not, no way of knowing for sure. 
But, I know the facts of what and whom im hurting by looking or continuing the fantasy in my mind, everyone. Hashem, Myself, My wife, kids, parents, Kedusha in general. 
Now, I have a choice to make, do I look/fantasies and have that short lived enjoyment and than pay the terrible price. 
Or, I will move on, knowing that NOTHING will happen if i do. Normally, you will forget about the trigger in less than a minute. 

However, when we are stressed/tired/angry/lonely, etc, its harder to stay cool calm and collected. so its easier to fall into the laziness trap where we do whats easier in the moment an throw caution to the wind. So being prepared before going someplace where u know might be challenging will make it much easier. 

Practicing this over and over will completely rewire your way of thinking about triggers. Eventually, it will become natural.  

i agree with you that having friends is a very important thing in life, especially for people like us. 
Many guys on here say that they dont have friends. These things are connected. 

P.S. I have 0 friends........................

Good luck

Chancy Hakuten

chancyhk wrote on 01 May 2025 16:47:

I'm happy to be your first..

Chancy you call yourself a kuten! Spot on!Thanx for the response buddy!

BH Today is day 14.
Hashem has a plan. I know it as fact. I believe it, and I live it as much as a can.
But Im crying as I write this.....its hitting home, and this is personal, not directly related to shmiras ainayim but its a trigger for me so Im expressing myself....

My wife and I had a miss.

Tears, questions, denial, anger, and finally.... deflation.
obvs theres a lot of details not going to go into....
but it hurts....

Totty, why?

Hope, excitement begins to build. Shining light breaking forth....
In a second comes crashing down...
numb from the pain.
Cant move, cant think. Just keep busy....
and now im crashing.....
Hashem You are in charge.....
please dont leave us in this state.
Confused, stressed, dont know where to turn.

I need a shoulder to cry on.

And now I move forward. Wife is out of commision now BH. So that means besides for work, also running the house myself BH. Laundry, meals, prepping kids for school...BH. Overwhelmed is not the word. Stressed is not the word. Totally beyond. 
Soooooooooooo......as of now this loneliness still didnt trigger me.....and if it does, thats ok. Normal even. Doesnt mean I have to act on it (I hope).

You are a hero. This is what it means to be an upstanding person. You have my upmost respect for staying strong against all odds. 

one day at a time.

Oi Tatte! 

I know there is nothing i can write to make you feel better or take away from the pain and the overwhelmingness of it all. 
But ill still try......... 
I know you are in pain, it hurts like a 1,000 be stings at once. Allow yourself to feel the pain. You are human and this is what it means to be human. We care, we love, we hope, we cry, we are alive and we need to feel it. Thats what makes us so great.

Focus on love- Whenever it becomes too much, realize that its only because we care that we feel pain. 
LOVE HURTS. So instead of focusing on haw much work there is in the house, rewire your brain to see the beauty of it. 
You are doing laundry for your kids whom you love with your whole heart. Its impossible to overstate how rare that is, a father actually taking care of his kids? They are very lucky to have you. 
Same thing with food, school, etc. All chores can be viewed with a different perspective to make us appreciate it. 
Focus outward- dont think so much about how you feel, and what makes you triggered and how you will be able to overcome, leave that somewhere in the back recesses of your brain. Its just taking up your energy. Focus on your kids, your wife, your life outside your pants..........

We all are rooting for you dear Brother. 

Love
Chancy Hakuten

That pain! so intense.  and this from the one who is supposed to be the strength in the house. i cannot imagine what you are going through.  
oh how i want to be that shoulder for you.  it is not a time for words.  words will come. but not yet.  for now we just need to cry.  
you will be ok.  you will come out stronger. that is in the future.  now there is only pain. we are here for you.  

with tears
vehkam

Wannachange, I never met you or spoke to you, but I just cried with you. Your post brought out such feelings. I cant imagine what your going thru. 
Were all here for you.
CM

Buddy, feeling the pain along with you from a distance.

Thank you everyone for your loving words and strength. Sorry it took a few days to answer but what can I say , things are hectic.
Its truly numbing....Im still not really functioning normally like my regular self. Doing some soul searching. 
Hashem thank You for everything You have given me. Please give me the strength and emunah to pass this nisayon with flying colors and not lose myself and have any unwarranted thoughts or questions.

Last night I fell. But it was a different type of falling. I wasnt having any lustful thoughts or fantasies. It wasnt a build up of urges. I was trying to relax from all the pressure and "by mistake" this happened along with it. 
I have all the excuses right now. Boat loads of stress and pressure at home and from work because of the situation going on now. But still....so I reached out to HHM who told me to count it separately. So Hayom yom 17 from lustfull fallings and day 1 from the whole shebang altogether.

Totty...please have rachmonus on me....dont forget about me,,,,ever.
Your son is crying out to you in pain....feeling broken, I want to lean on You for help....
sometimes I just dont have the words or the strength.....
Please please please....quickly, speedily....raise me up...let me see Your greatness.
A kush on the keppel, a Fathers warm embrace, Totty I waant to come home. Im crying to You. Im in so much pain. I feel like I have no where to turn. Except. Except for You. So here I am now. Standing before you. Your beloved. Your son. Please dont turn me away. Bring me close to You.
Now and forever and ever.

Again, a true Thank you to all those who reached out and are following and helping me out on my journey, love ya.