I just fell. Again. I have found porn on what everyone thinks is a basic app that everybody has. TWO OF THEM. I feel like it's everywhere. I'm in so much pain right now. How am I supposed to block this stuff out of my life. I am seriously dating - like dropped the shadchan because that's what is serious in the yeshivish world - a really great girl who I can see myself potentially marrying. How could I have just done this to her. She doesn't know. She probably won't know. But she deserves someone better than what I just did. I know I'm being hard on myself but I'm honestly so sad and feel so hopeless. I just don't believe that it's possible to be fully clean. How. I feel like the only way to go is to get rid of my phone. But I'm not at that level. I can't do that. Filters won't work there's always another way. The guilt is insane. I'm just here to help and honestly BEG for something. Something that'll give me just a bit of hope. Something that will take away a bit of that guilt from what I just did. Hashem might understand. He loves me and is compassionate. So between us maybe I'm not so bad. But for this girl, this bas yisroel, she doesn't deserve this. How can I keep doing this. And yet I still do. Over and over and over. I'm open to whatever help and guidance I can get. To those of you here that have succeeded, please daven for me. Your winning fight has you on levels higher than I can imagine and I just know Hashem won't ignore those tefilos. I would give my name I just can't. Please just daven for me. 

sytv2002 wrote on 06 Dec 2024 04:44:

Welcome brother! You have come to the right place! GYE means hope! Hope that you can break free! I too was in the same place as you ….. and now BH I am 53 days clean:) 

I would suggest to stick around, read some of the amazing stories and posts and you’ll see that YOU CAN ALSO BREAK FREE!! 

I would also suggest you reaching out to HHM . ( he’s a real malach! He has helped  hundreds, he helped me) he can be reached at michelgelner@gmail.com he’s mamish the nicest guy! So super understanding and non judgmental. 

Signing off,
wantingbetter 

Ps. The YH wants you to feel all sad and depressed and wants you to tell yourself that this girl doesn’t deserve you….. SHTUSSIM!! FOR THE MERE FACT THAT YOU MUSTERED UP THE COURAGE TO POST YOUR STRUGGLE AND HOW BAD YOU FEEL ETC ETC GOES TO SHOW HOW MUCH OF A REAL INNER TZADIKK YOU ARE!!! KEEP IT UP!

You can read my story here. 

TOPIC: My Struggle/My Journey/Updates/

Thank you for the words of encouragement. The YH may have already won though as the tears have come

Brother your will power will not make you overcome this challenge. Understand how pure you are and that hashem does want to hear from you from the depths of darkness he hears you he put you there.I personally found it helpful understanding that will power does not help me I’ve struggled for years and my will power was through the roof it didn’t help me. it helped continue the fight but not overcome it what helps is being pro active reach out to people with this challenge read books connect with friends. Don’t rely on a filter bring yourself higher through the challenge build yourself up the filter is nice but like you said there’s always another way.

Ouch. My dear brother, I'm so sorry for your pain. I really hurt for you.
My friend, I have also once been stuck, caught in the clutches of the YH, thinking there's no way out. And then I learned that the YH tries his best to create a mirage, an illusion, that this thing is so powerful, I'll never get out. My friend, I'm am free, and so can you be. Look around here, there are so many wonderful people, and they all were once stuck, caught up in some form of this, and today so many are free, others are on the way to freedom, and you, my dear friend, you can be free, too!!!!
So, the first thing is THERE IS HOPE!

Second, the most powerful tool I've seen in my time here is connecting to others. Connect. Talk, Share. See that your new friends care about you, are here for you always, and listen to their advice. I know reaching out is hard, but my dear friend me for saying so, but wallowing in your pain and guilt is just as hard. For your good, reach out. There's HHM, michelgelner@gmail.com, Proudyungerman@gmail.com, IWLR, iwannalivereal@gmail.com. If you want a friend, It'll be my zechus to get to know you. Feel free to message me at the email in my signature.

Hold on, my friend. Stay strong. Stick around, and you'll see, Many happy days are coming now, so won't you please listen to me, we will be singing, dancing, laughing, oh, yes, just you wait and see...

Hey,

I am fairly new here,  I joined 36 days ago.  Let me tell you, you have done a courageous thing by posting here, it's not easy to open up and you should be super proud of yourself and for that one act you will receive a kiss from Hashem! My life has changed dramatically in that time.

GYE is the right place to get the help you need.  You'll quickly make new friends who know exactly how you feel because they've been there themselves. We are all here to help each other.  Everyone here cares for each other and wants you to WIN! . 

The Yetzer Hora does not want to go on welfare and really does not want you to reach out and connect to all the people mentioned by Eerie (and especially Eerie) who have the knowledge and understanding to truly help you. 
My advice, get in touch with them.

Miracles amazing wonders…..

Not to belittle the power of tefila the "winners" have. But me and you who are still actively fighting have zchusim to daven as well, zchusim to the sky. Falling and getting back up is a major madreiga. Just for coming here, your a tzadik. Please read this letter written to R' Elya Brudny Shlita and see the way he responded.

sytv2002 wrote on 06 Dec 2024 04:44:

Feel free to reach out. We’ve all struggled and give chizuk to each other. You just have to hang on in tough times, it will get better

sytv2002 wrote on 06 Dec 2024 05:38:

I'm honestly jealous of your ability to cry. There's a HUGE difference between being depressed over your fall, and crying because you feel bad for falling. Crying is the expression of your pure Neshomo recoiling from the effect of the Tumah that the YH managed to throw at you. If your crying, it's a sure sign that your Yetzer Tov is still alive and kicking. You may be down, but your surely not out. Use those tears to cry out to Him to help you fight. Look at it like an opportunity, not to be passed up on. They're a powerful tool that can be used to heal. Personally, the last time I squeezed out a few tears over a fall, was the day I first signed up to GYE. Listen to what the good people here are telling you. Please reach out to the Oilam here. Anyone of the heroes here, will consider it a privilege to offer you their shoulder to cry on (hug included). You can clean up your act, so many people here have been in very dark places, and with the help of friends are clean. Yes, miracles do happen here, "like (you've) never ever seen before"....

Wow, such pure pain expressed in your initial post.....

I've been there too, feeling like I'll be stuck forever, and my wife doesn't deserve this (though she was blissfully unaware of my infidelity).... You can get out and free! I'm free and 214 days clean, you can get there too!!!

Reach out to the oilam here, so much good advice , and most of all, ears to listen and a hartz to feel.....

Muttel

Hi,

I relate to you all too much. 

While you are right, there's always some kind of way to find porn, I've been using a filter for the past year that is so unbelievably smart with blocking porn. I encourage you to look into it and try it out, it's called "Techloq". It will take a few days or more to customize the filter to block everything, but since this filter is so customizable it does a really good job. Here are some tips I use that don't let me see porn when I have this filter on:

1. Make sure your email isn't the email on the filter account so it's impossible for you to remove the filter without the person's email access.

2. There's an option to block skin in pictures, meaning that if there's a picture on a website or something the filter will block the skin from showing, turn that option on (you may have to call for that).

3. Just take it one step at a time, when you find a website you see something inappropriate on, block it. You will find that it's almost impossible to find anything eventually.

I hope that this can help you

oy, I feel for you! your pain is so real, I felt it myself and it hurts so much. I can tell you that there is hope, take a few hours and look around at the many guys here who have gone from falling everyday ( and multiple times a day) to being clean for so long. It takes some time, and it's good to be patient with yourself, but your ready to work on it and grow, and thats amazing.
L'gabai the girl you're dating, your right, it's not fair to her to continue on this path without working on it. But be real with yourself, working on it doesn't mean it will change over night, but as long as you are seriously working towards winning this battle i don't see any problem. This is not meant to scare you into feeling bad whenever you have a down turn (which will most likely happen, many times). but rather to encourage you that even if while working the program you still fall, which will hurt your date/kallah/wife, you are still doing the best thing by working on it. I compare it to regular middos and habbits we have that are harmful to our spouses. We need to work on them, and thats all we can do, try our best. Even though it isn't fair to them to have to have that hurt, it's still what we should do. 
Please feel free to reach out any time, my number and email is in my signature. And you should really take the time to read through some of the threads of older members and see their journey to freedom.
Hatzlacha Rabbah!

A note about filters: they are important, and it can be very difficult to get clean without them, but... 1)they are not the only tool to getting clean, not by a long shot. 2) I believe you can get clean without a filter, it will just be much harder. 3) theres a massive difference between no filter and a filter with some loopholes (unless they totally let you access porn, still theres a difference but not as big)