Day 95 ב"ה

I bought a 24-6 for my kids to get whatever music they want. It’s great and inexpensive. That may work for you.

Day 96 ב"ה

Day 97 ב"ה

Something I've really been struggling with is using the computer destructively. I've written about this a bit in the past. I am so addicted to the computer. I check the news, email and gye first thing in the morning (sometimes while in the middle of saying brachos lately...). Throughout the day I check the news millions of times, just hitting refresh again and again, going from site to site, just trapped in a cycle of inertia. I see this as nothing less than another expression of addiction. It is intrinsically less damaging then the addictions we come here for, but I feel that it has an absolutely terrible effect on my life. It causes me to waste tremendous amounts of time that I could be learning, spending time with my family, doing things that I really really need to be doing, or working.

But again and again I find myself just stuck in front of the computer for no good reason. I saw someone post about having struggled with this in the past, I believe it was PYM. So I know I'm not alone in this.

I want to try and rid myself of this behavior (once again). I can't give up on this. Time is too precious.

I want to try and use the forum to break free from this addiction. I will be'h be posting here daily about my progress breaking free from this other thing as well. I am so fed up and in so much pain about this. I feel like such a slave and know deeply that acting passively on the computer is such a terrible terrible thing. If you don't agree with me, feel free to continue using the computer however you see fit. But after 5 years of having to be on the computer and seeing again and again what a terrible effect going on the news, entertainment and just brainless clicking has on me, my mind is fully made up that it's terrible. (Lets say an av hatuma, we need to leave titles for the real shmutz)

Thinking about cleaning up my act in this area is actual really scary. I lean on the computer as a crutch to help me deal with feelings of great unease. Apparently in the program addiction is called "the disease of dis-ease." I feel that that description fits me like a glove. I am constantly running to different things to help me with my deep disease. Throughout my life I have been addicted at various times to p and m, to drugs of different types, to smoking, to vaping, to books, to audiobooks, and to just general 'clicking around on the computer.' 

So it's scary. How will I manage? What will I do when I'm learning and I'm suddenly seized by a fit of anxiety? I don't know. But it can't be going on the news anymore. Or going on youtube. Or going on linkedin (which stinks anyways). Or even going on gye. Because as great as gye truly is, acting like an addict on gye is damaging too. 

So my goal is
No: news, youtube, social media, forums (other than gye)
Limitted: gye. I will allow some clicking around on gye, and if am actively chatting with someone or reading a post or writing a post I won't put a time limit on it. I need to come up with a time limit for clicking around on gye, im thinking 20 minutes a day
Lastly, if I find myself clicking around aimlessly, to stop as soon as I realize it.

If you relate to what I'm talking about, I'd love to hear from you. If you don't relate or disagree with what I'm talking about, I'd love to not hear from you. If you think I should go to a therapist, you may be right, but I have gone to many in my life and am not interested at the moment in starting that process over. It will take a number of sessions with a new therapist for them to realize that yes I know I'm insecure, I have a good idea where it comes from, I know that the reality within which my insecurities were developed are no longer applicable, now lets see whether you as a person can help me, and there's a good chance they can't. So נמאס לי. What can I say.

Anyway: Day 2.

A footnote

Clearly it is imperative that I deal with the issues behind my addictive tendencies. And I am trying, may Hashem help me. And as long as I have not succeeded in dealing with those issues, the odds are great that a new addiction will be formed. Still, I feel it is worthwhile to also cut out the addictive behavior when it's damaging, and hope that whatever the next thing is will be less damaging. For instance if I am be'h successful in ridding myself of this thing, and I find that the only way I can deal with my disease is through meditating for 15 minute a few times a day, I would see that as a much better 'addiction' than news.

simchastorah wrote on 08 Feb 2025 19:43:

I totally relate. I was also addicted to the news and technology in general. When Daf Yomi begun Sanhedrin I decided to only check the news once I've done the daf. Guess what... I haven't checked the news since! (52 days now) Which is not great news because it means that I haven't kept up with the daf either....
But with technology addiction in general I'm still struggling...

Keep up your great work. You're an inspiration! 

simchastorah wrote on 08 Feb 2025 19:43:

I very much relate, doing it as I write this

Day 98 p&m ב"ה
Day 3 computer addiction ב"ה

Simple to get a program, like a chrome extension which blocks sites after a set amount of time. So you can set news for 15 minutes a day, gye for ... Etc.

frank.lee wrote on 09 Feb 2025 08:43:

If I don't deal with the issue itself I will just turn off the extension. I have such an extension, and it is turned off...

If you struggle with addiction then the 12 steps might be the way for you to go.
the bottom line is replacing our addiction with hashem
read up about it

parev wrote on 09 Feb 2025 12:19:

Thank you, you may very well be right. I actually did start looking at a 12 step workbook yesterday and plan to continue

I understand what you’re saying and feel the pain in your writing. 

I fully can relate to how compulsive news-checking and click-bait-clicking can be an addiction. 

 I would just like to express a word of caution about all-or-nothing thinking about this, and in general. Cutting off all avenues of distraction at once may not be healthy or realistic. Now, I’m fully aware that for an addict in addictive behavior even a small “sip” of the stuff can get him going towards a full-out binge.(and  I personally went cold-turkey on browsing You Tube and other recreational internet searches, as I’ve shared in the past). There are two sides to the argument. I don’t have a clear solution or suggestion. But I think it’s worthwhile thinking about  if there is a way to create some type of system with limits that still leave some space for gradual detox. (for example, I have 1 “Jewish” news site I allow myself, for better or worse). 

You’re courageous and growthful, and I wish you my very best in your ongoing climb, to great heights 

חיים

I agree with you @chaimoigen that it's a bit risky to take on too much at once. But I am so frustrated and feel so empty from it that I think I need to try. 

Today has been a tough day. Not for any good reason. I am in significant physical pain, which kind of does constitute a good reason, except it is clear to me that the pain is generated in some way by emotions, and there is nothing going on today in particular to bear responseblity for whatever the emotions that are generating the pain are. But I am in real pain. I did about half an hour of meditation and that helped a bit. But still not feeling good. My natural instinct is to drink... What a mess

Sometimes I just want to scream. Not that that would help. Or maybe it would. Lemme try... Nope didn't help. Just kidding, didn't scream.