I think It's finally time to share my story. Even If one person gets some chizzuk from it, It will be worth it. I'm going to try and write it in order but some of the details are a bit hazy...
I grew up in a regular heimish family. We lived out of town because my father was a kiruv rabbi, (he himself a BT originally) and we went to school in the nearest frum kehilla, about a half hr drive from us. I suspect that the fact that we lived so far away from all my friends caused me to not to develop that well socially and I remember always feeling like an outcast throughout my school and some of my yeshiva years.
My first memories of having urges go back to when I was probably about 10 when I remember going to a local playground and being tempted to look at some girls who had a bit of stomach showing. Another more dominant memory from around then was watching my non jewish neighbours sunbathing in their back garden for extended periods of time. At the time I didn't know what was happening to my body and was confused; "Why does looking at the neighbours make me need to go to the toilet?
After that, I moved on to things like searching for women's underwear on eBay and the like on my moms tablet. I didn't know why, but I knew I enjoyed it so whenever I could get my hold of it, I would be searching for whatever I could get my hands on, erotica, underwear etc, desperate not to get caught. One time, I remember my mom calling me to her room, asking if I had been searching for this stuff. (I had forgotten to delete my eBay search history). First, I denied it but then, when pressed a bit more I opened up and told her it was me. I don't remember what she said but I remember that she didn't go mad at me. Came my bar mitzva and I decided to buy a nintendo switch with all the money I got. After convincing my parents that it wasn't bad and you couldn't even do anything on it, they finally let me get it. That started pretty innocently and soon I wanted to get a game that had female characters that were not so appropriately dressed. I was always pretty open with my parents and I didn't like doing things behind their back so I asked my father if I could get it. He did his research and sat me down and gave me a bit of a kedusha talk, saying that men can be aroused by these things and I quickly assured him that it wasn't an issue. (He wasn't naïve, he just has a parenting approach of; he tells us what he feels is right or wrong but only we can make the final decision). So I got the game. I remember pretending I was ill and skipping school the next day bc I just wanted to play it all day.
Then one day I worked out how to download youtube. I locked myself in the toilet and proceeded to search all the "key words" that I had learnt. I didn't actually know how to be mz"l so I just sat there and watched for a while. I felt terrible afterwards and told my parents about what I had done. My father was not happy. I thought to myself; "why is he upset? I could've not said anything and just hidden it and yet I came and told him". Looking back, I think he was just concerned about what I had seen. Anyway they found a way to block it and that was that.
During this time, often when I was in the shower I would masturbate but not till the point of hz"l. I always stopped myself before. I remember the first time though that I actually did it "till the end". I had to mentally push myself not to stop as I had a part of me that didn't want to let me fall. I remember feeling awful afterwards. After that, the next time was only a few months later but after that it just became more and more frequent.
At 15, I went to yeshiva ketana out of town. I was in my first elul zman and alot of guys had smartphones/devices behind the yeshivas back. Not having any idea what yeshiva was about, seeing all this made me think that yeshiva was chill with it and you could easily get away with it. So I bought an MP4 video player. I started with innocent tv shows but then got a few movies from my friend which were quite bad and I would "reference" back to these whenever I wanted to masturbate. One day, during the course of a conversation, my friend asks me, "have you ever watched porn?". I asked him what it was and got my answer. Winter zman arrived and my daily schedule looked something like; watch movies till like 3 in the morning, sleep till 12, watch again till 3pm and then go to yeshiva. Yeshiva picked up on the fact that I must have a device and the day came when the mashgiach searched my room while I wasn't there and found the device. I got suspended for a couple of weeks and had to pay a hefty fine and a deposit to ensure I wouldn't own such a device again.
While I was at home, a friend called me, saying he had bought a tablet and we could watch porn on it. For the rest of my stay a home, I had a burning desire to get back to yeshiva to watch porn and that's one of the first things I did when I got back. We went into a room together and had a "good" session of watching. That was my first time. After that, I would borrow his tablet from time to time to get a little fix.
Came pesach bein hazmanim and the inevitable happened. I worked out how to get around the block my parents put on my nintendo and now had full access to youtube (which as I'm sure we all know, can be just as bad as actual porn). This was the start of a real downhill slide. At times, I would be mz"l 3 times in one viewing session. I was hooked. Anything to do with lust that I could get my hands on, my hands got on it.
I think it was summer Bein hazmanim when I bought a "kosher" phone with internet. I convinced my parents that the internet didn't actually work and they let me keep it. This was the start of my real porn addiction. (I cringe as I write that word...). I was watching probably everyday, potentially multiple times and was really not doing well. Bored? Porn. Tired? Porn. Upset? Porn. It was an escape for everything. Anyway, sometime later on in that year, my mashgiach took the phone away. Not because he knew what I was doing on it but simply because we were not allowed phones that had video playback capability. I convinced him to give it back to me on condition that I would send it back to amazon. He gave it to me and I fell with it a few more times before I got fed up and finally returned it.
Now I was back to M during zman while "catching up" in bein hazmanim.
It came to a point in my third year when I started contemplating change. Then one of my rebbeim gave a shmuz about a guy who was in exactly my position and I felt like he was talking directly to me. I decided; that's it. I'm taking the plunge and opening up to someone about waht was happening in bein hazmanim. It was a scary conversation. I vividly remember being terrified that I was going to be cutting off something I so heavily relied upon.
I had my sisters wedding coming up and I would be home for about a week. I wanted this to be the time for change. I got my mashgiach to speak to my parents about putting away my nintendo for when I came home. I then went and bought a tablet which we put a non jewish filter on which didn't block much. Basically just hardcore P but everything else was open. I was ready for real change but deep down I was too scared to fully restrict myself from my whole life while I was at home. I managed to pass the first few days of being at home for the wedding without failure but after that the pressure was too much and I gave in. It was a step in the right direction though.
This carried on for the next couple of bein hazmanims until I decided enough is enough. I scrapped the tablet plan and got a laptop instead and installed techloq. This was better but I quickly found a way to carry on watching schmutz.
At the end of that year, I went to yeshiva in Israel. Sukkos bein hazmanim was a repeat. Initial inspiration after Yomim Noroim, (it was actually then that I posted my first post here) but I quickly wore off.
Winter zman was when it all changed. GYE launched their shovavim program and I knew I had to join even though I wouldn't make it to the grand event. I had renewed energy, taking the challenge of getting to 50. Those days were amazing. Finally realising that I can actually live without this garbage. It was getting easier and easier but as I got closer to the end, I had to decide; do I indulge the second the 50 days are up or do I carry on from 50 and try get to 90. Day 50 came and I was torn inside. Should I set up a Taphsic method which would keep me in check further or do I let the YH win. I went with the first option. The relief after making the shvuah was overwhelming because that was what I truly wanted.
However, Pesach bein hazmanim was approaching. I decided that this one is going to be my first totally clean one. I got webchaver on top of techloq and BH BH BH had my FIRST BEIN HAZMANIM CLEAN. Was such an indescribably good feeling! BH I am happy to say that I have kept it up until now and I'm just finishing my tenth month clean!! There are still ups and downs and it's always a fight but it's just a different world. I no longer have to come up with excuses as to why I was in the toilet for so long, or quickly hiding stuff when someone comes up the stairs. I have myself back!
I'm not putting out my story to brag about my successes. It's just that I'm sure that there are many other people who are in a similar situation to mine and I am living proof that you CAN get out!!!!!
Keep fighting brothers and thanks for hearing me out. It feels really good to put it all in to writing!!
Warning: Spoiler!
