As usual when faced with a real problem, I go back to my past and find a story that kinda matches this situation, hopefully someone will learn something from it. 

Picture it Brooklyn, 2017 (a Golden Girls reference) 
A big bustling office with a few yiden and lots of Porto Rican and Dominican young women. 
Sits a very lonely and hypersexualized Yungerman who has been addicted to sex for 15 years, but has never been with an other women besides his wife. He craves attention and love. Knows how to sweet talk anyone he wants to get with. 
He is searching for someone who is halfway attractive that he can at least fantisize about, he needs to feel that rush, that excitement, that thrill.
For awhile, he finds nobody interesting, untill he saw her once. A wild untamed porto rican girl. She is on fire, funny, and she seems to like him. 
This starts a few years of fun talks, texting, chatting, flirting, fantasies and excitement. 
She offered him a million times to at least hug or kiss him, he was torn to pieces between his infatuation to this women and his actual wife whom he loved deeply, but never developed that kind of open and deep relationship. Plus he thinks of himself as en erliche yungerman who would never touch another women, let alone a GOYTA! So he is ripped to shreds every day. 
It got so bad that he started questioning his whole belief system, why cant he touch her? who says its a problem? does he even believe in anything anymore?!! 
He had to go down real deep to figure out that YES! he believes in everything a yid needs to believe and this is not something he will ever do. But the triggers are still there. What to do? Hashem took the problem away suddenly, she left that job from 1 day to the other. So no more daily interactions BH! 

But they still spoke randomly, they saw each other now and then, she called him "my boo" she even gave him a Spanish version of his Yidish Name.

Then came the catalyst, the company made their annual holiday party, everyone comes dressed (read undressed) to the tee. All made up and flirty.
She was also invited to the party even though she didnt work there anymore. Of course he was so excited a whole night that his crush is there he couldnt think clearly. She was drunk of out of her mind
The music started playing a dace song and everyone started dancing, the yiden weren't partaking in the dance. 
But she came over to him and begged him to dance with her, he refused, she was adamant, come on its just dancing. He was indescribably torn and broken. But he still resolved himself, No, im sorry, i cant, he said. All night he was tossing and turning about this. what the hell is wrong with him?

The next morning, he sent made up his mind, he snet her an email before he can change it back. 
In it he basically said that this is not working for him, he cant do this anymore, and good bye. 
She sent back something hurtful that he cant remember. But that was it. It hurt for a long time, But he is happy and thanks Hashem that he didnt let him fall into that pit of hell.  

Sharing from a friend........


Why am I sharing this friends story? It just feels like Rabbi Parve here is in a somewhat similar situation and he might learn something or two from it. 

I hope you dont feel that we are being pushy for no reason. We are all here because we care about you, nobody should go thru this struggle alone. 
You can do the right thing, you know what the right thing is. It will hurt like a MF* queen bee stingray fish, but it will heal. 

Love
Chancy

Thank you Chancy
Curious are you in SA?

The most positive is you wont have the mess that comes afterwards. I dont know about you, i always forget about the then what's until its too late.
I dont know, i see you're very stressed and feeling lousy, and i totally get wanting an out or an outlet. I just can't see that it will be. Or that you'll feel happier about yourself after. Sorry i cant be more helpful

parev wrote on 29 May 2024 16:29:

The question is if his friend who told him this story is in SA

No, why? 

parev wrote on 29 May 2024 11:25:

This is where my Step One Inventory comes to play 

parev wrote on 29 May 2024 11:25:

Sending you a hug. 

When someone is offering you friendly comfort, when its hurting outside and inside- that is hard to move away from. It’s hurts to think about, and I’m hurting for your being in that position.

For me, there’s a “Asei Tov” reward in the sense of internal strength and quietude that being sober has given me. Clarity and calm, and self-possession.
I am going through great difficulty now (in other areas) but there is steel in my spine that did not exist a year ago. For me, this gives greater determination and Koach to continue. 

Take my hand, friend. I wish for you Koach and Moach, courage and heart. 

Chaim

I didn't check in here last night, not a good thing, but wife hates it when I go on the computer when I come home...
I wake up feeling different when I have 'cleaned house' the night before.
Hence I'm on the mir bus first thing in the morning typing on GYE!
BH woke up less lousy& lustful, a good sleep definitely helps.
Feel bad that I contacted 'her' from a bogus email address - but she doesn't know it is me and nothing can come from it BH.
Praying for the willingness to surrender just for today.
Really grateful for the understanding of my frustration in the bedroom, I BL"N will not initiate sex and if she does I will explain why I dont want and what's bothering me. [I have dug my own pit possibly for years of conditioning her that it's a 'need' - she now fully believes so [and is scared that if I don't get it at home I will go elsewhere ( thanks to some rebbetzins pep talk...)] She thinks I'm on a unhealthy starvation diet and tries to seduce me at all costs.
Either way realizing that i'm in a loving emotional relationship, but one that simply for now isn't transcending to a physical one is enlightening and relieving. 
Looking forward to the therapist on Monday, pre SA days I old be on edge no patience to wait, but now BH I have the gift of patience!

Thanks for the feedback everyone

was in a place where there was a woman higher up then me
tried to look upskirt

parev wrote on 30 May 2024 17:43:

May I ask what is the purpose of sharing this?
p.s. I truly belive that You got a purpose I would just like to understand what it is. 

crispy wrote on 30 May 2024 17:55:

Accountability 

parev wrote on 30 May 2024 17:43:

I think some would say anytime you are lusting after any woman you are placing her higher up than you.

Edit: Given that pshat in "a women higher up then me" this statement is so profound. Allow me to be your Rashi for a minute, if this is rude please excuse me as I didn't sleep well last night.

was in a place
We don't know "who" was in a place. All we know is that we are somewhere, but not who we are or why we are there. The lust overpowered the ego, the "I", leaving us as a shell in a place. "I" am somewhere else. In the place of lust I am not present, there's perhaps a stranger there, but g-d forbid poo poo poo not me.

where there was a woman higher up
In this place the woman is higher up. She has what we need. She is above us, and we worship her, lust after her, raise her above us and give her the power to rule over our lives. 

then me
Although we give her the power, we think she had it intrinsically. That she possesses the power on her own and we come after and are helpless before her. 

tried to look upskirt
And how do we react? Try to look upskirt.  We don't take her, we don't ask her for her power. No, we sneak we lie we cheat to uncover that nakedness. We don't want her, we want her hidden lust. We want to devour that source of power, but we dare not do so openly. We place the woman over us so we can try to look up her skirt. 

(Anyone ever read any of The Last Psychiatrists stuff? "Guilt implies an internal sense of right and wrong. [... Lust addicts] don’t feel guilt – based on objective right and wrong – they feel shame – based on exposure." Disclaimer this is not a recommendation for his writings.)

I wrote a nice response and update before shabbos - but got deleted as I tried to post...
Letting bygones be bygones and updating the latest.

Had a nice shabbos, wife complained that i'm ignoring her and not into her anymore [from a bedroom perspective]... had a extensive chat and she said that the last past 2-3 years have been really good [ed since i joined sa] and she thrived on all the sexiul attenton I was giving her.
I seems all the rejection I was feeling from her was totally misplaced, she might not have been in the mood to go all the way at times, but enjoyed every touch, every move,every comment, even if she didn't respond in kind.
What a waste of all that cheating on her...
Also she said that she's seen how amazing iv\e been that past while [6 month - a year] of how i am much more in control of my bedroom behaviors and is amazed by it.
I realized that although she may not appreciate the connection between physical and emotional intimacy,  even when I am focusing on the physical aspect [obviously not when riddled with immoral lust] it does a world of good for her, perhaps even more so than the emotional intimacy .
I realized that I had been unwittingly מחמיר אופ יעננערס חשבון and at the same time realized that I was in fact giving instead of just taking..
Suffice it to say there was increased activity over shabbos - and I feel good about it instead of ichy and guilty!!
Still feel that there is a unhealthy attitude in the bedroom although can't put my finger on it - looking forward to the therapy session on  monday IYH
Had a dream that I met someone a [a goy!] and made up to act out, woke up before doing the deed, but was aroused.... hmmm what does that say about my emotional sobriety???
Trying to internalize a full surrender.
Carriyng on working step 2 IYH this week.

Woke up late - my whole schedule is of kilter, bunked seder
let lust take its course
didn't actively do anything lusty persay [except sending a dubious email], just if something comes my way my defenses are down....

Hey!! Do some emergency lifting of your defenses!!! What tools and strategies do you have in your arsenal?