MAZEL TOV!!  Beautiful

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 03 May 2023 02:39:

Wow! Such an accomplishment! And what a post!!!
Yesterday i read a few things from Rebbi Yakiv Mier Shechter Shlit'a.  One should use his Mida of Achzuriyes (Ruthlessness) when it comes to this area, because this is it! the most important battle in all time and all worlds!
Regarding Physical pain- If it would only be physical pain it would be too easy..... the emotional pain is so much worse, to not  have that escape and pacifier, but you have to be ruthless to win this. Sometimes i go into bed and i get a bad thought and i dont have the mind to start thinking why i shouldnt do it, so i just say, im moiser nefesh for Hashem, if this kills me then so be it! I have good news, Im not dead yet!......

So keep it up and good luck on the next 600 Months! By fighting this fight we are ensuring our place in the world to come,

Day 612. I want to share a story of something that happened to me today. I was at home earlier today working. Out of nowhere, I started feeling taivos to act out. Lo and behold, those same old fantasies I had fantasied about for years were filling my mind. Coincidence? Of course not! As I always say, FANTASY IS AT THE ROOT OF IT ALL!!! Fantasy is always at the root of every battle!
A true desire to go act out really began to overtake me as I was caught off guard by the fantasy thoughts. I actually heard a voice in my head say, "Just go ahead! End your 612 day streak right now. Who cares anyway?" The lust addict in me was awakening just a heroin addict can lapse after years of being sober!
Realizing how quickly this could spiral out of control, I sounded my internal alarms to awaken myself to the fact that I was treading on thin ice. I attempted to calm myself down, practicing the techniques I preach here on GYE. I began speaking gently to myself. "It's okay. These are just fantasies. They are at the root of all your misery, discomfort, and struggles. I do not have to act out. I can feel and be aware of my pain and discomfort. That is okay. Enduring pain to do what is right is part of a life of meaning and truth. Calm your mind. Realize that thoughts and fantasies are like waves that come and go. I can move on with my day and away from these thoughts. I can do it. I am great." The addict in me really wanted that pleasure though, that feeling, that act I have long ago said goodbye to, and refused my attempts to let my mind move on. I began to become enveloped in this physical urge to act out. Ay, the pain! My first attempt at moving on from the fantasies didn't work! "Should I just give up?" I thought. OF COURSE NOT! I've been here many times now on my 612 days journey and the years before that of falling and getting up hundreds and hundreds of times! I've been here SO many times! This was not my first time at this rodeo! "I know this battle ground far too well!" I thought to myself. I am experienced in this battle now. I calmed my mind again. I tuned into the pain I was feeling. I embraced the feeling of discomfort! I tuned into that discomfort. I became deeply in tune with myself. I breathed deeply. I reflected on this addiction, how even after 612 days of abstinence it can rear its ugly head. This is just like a heroin addiction except the substance (lust) is "free"! "I can embrace this physical pain. I don't need to act out. I can embrace this physical pain. I don't need to act out," I said to myself.
After several minutes of battle followed by several minutes of relaxing my mind, I succeeded on moving on from the fantasy and carried on. I got up, washed my face, opened the window, and moved to a new location. I didn't look back.
Another victory.
Hashem, this is 5Uu80*cdwB#^, at Your Service.
Wishing everyone another day of victory in Avodas Hashem.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 15 May 2023 20:56:

Thank you for sharing this! And congratulations on your amazing continued journey!
We should all learn from you how to be real with ourselves and not let fake fantasies take us over.   Keep it up!

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 15 May 2023 20:56:

I haven’t been so active on GYE… but this man’s posts always hits my core. Firstly it’s amazing your so far in this battle. It shows that your so correct on the way you understand this battle. Yesterday I didn’t read through the whole post but I skimmed through it and one line you wrote struck me - you sounded your internal alarms that you’re fantasizing now and it’s a dangerous territory. This showed me that that’s the main part of the fight. People don’t realize that.. 
Personally I have a lot of gedarim in place etc. but I always struggle with getting rid of the taivah itself. (I assume many people here struggle with that) last night I felt that taivah building up again. Or we can call it fantasy.. although it was such a quick passing thought.. always sounding like what if I do XYZ. Or imagining if I do XYZ or thinking about how it can feel etc but I thought to myself this is what that guy on GYE meant. Now is the time to sound the internal alarms that we are in dangerous territory because or else we’ll find a way to act on our taivah. It just gets stronger and stronger from there! Don’t let it grow! 
Bh this tactic worked and because i stopped that ugly face early on in the “fight” it’s much easier. I recommend to all of GYE to try this idea.. and even more, understand that you might not realize the root of all your battles. Hatzlacha and thank you for helping me! 

I'm so happy to that I was able to help you, Shtarkandemotional.
Thank you for the chizuk of your post. It's tremendous chizuk to me to see that I am able to help others in this area by my posts.
You are absolutely correct in what you wrote.
I want to add some more thoughts:
We can live a life on the defensive or on the offensive. If one is addicted to fantasizing and lusting, he is guaranteed to be constantly battling, constantly fighting, falling rising fighting falling rising and so on. And that's assuming he hasn't given up, G-d forbid! That's assuming he's a ben Torah who's still fighting day in and day out, may Hashem help him to stay strong! But very likely, this person will at some point come to feel a terribly devastating יאוש, because he will begin to feel and see that there will never be an end to the pain and battles and falling and rising if he continues down the course he is going; and it's so painful and so destructive and so tiring. And, in fact, as long as he keeps fantasizing, I think he could be right! Perhaps there will never be an end to his misery and battles if he keeps fantasizing! He's pretty much correct! It's similar to losing your life to a heroin addiction. THIS WAS ME NOT LONG AGO!!!!!! I WAS THAT GUY! As long as you are taking the drug (fantasy), you CANNOT win long term!
Alternatively, we can recognize that lust and fantasy is the source of this entire battle. We can gently train our minds to move on from fantasy and lustful thoughts and come to live a life on the offensive, a life in which we accomplish, feel gevaldig, feel energized, feel in control of ourselves, feel in control of our lives. When occasionally the yetzer puts you on the defensive, okay, you deal with him then! That's life! But it's an entirely different world to not be on the defensive 24/7 because you have eradicated the root cause of the entire problem. When you recognize what lust is, what fantasy is, the FAKEKITE that it is, how disgusting it is, how ruinous it is to your life, marriage, and other relationships, and you just decide, "You know what, I'm going to EMBRACE REALITY even though it's painful at times, I'm going to grow up, I'm going to deal with the pain of living a real life and not numb my life with drugs and lust," it's a whole different world. It's exhilarating. You feel alive and not dead. You are free not a slave. You do this by training yourself, with compassion, to move on from thoughts and obsessions of fantasy and lust and focus your mind and days on productive and desirable thoughts and actions. The choice is ours.
Fantasy is the problem. It's an addiction. It's painful to break free of an addiction, ask any addict to any substance. It is possible, though, with the right tools and approaches. It is possible to go from a life of being the punching bag of your own fantasies and urges at every moment of your life to living a life in which you rarely think about these things and when they do come up occasionally, you deal with them and then move on.
Hatzlocho rabbah.

Hey, Great post. I love your signature

Mazal tov—I've reached a clean streak of 700 days.
Some short updates:
I'm experiencing some turbulent air right now due to some things going on in my life, but I am committed to making it through. Being on the defensive is difficult as always. I want to get back to the offensive as soon as possible, but it might be a couple more weeks of fighting before that's realistic. It's a stark reminder that addiction is a chronic disease. But, do not despair. It doesn't matter what type of disease addiction is; your only option is to beat it or die from it. I will choose to beat it. The taivos and pain I'm feeling are reminiscent of my life 700 days ago, it's just that now I am much stronger emotionally and spiritually, and have the toolkit, grit, and awareness of my close relationship with Hashem that is necessary to weather the storm. I am willing to suffer the pain. I am willing to suffer the pain. I am willing to suffer the pain. I will live a life with pain in order to do what's right.
Yes, I am in physical pain. Yes, my mind desires to fantasize right now. I am working, as always, to gently direct myself onward from these thoughts, which does work. No, I don't have to run to the pacifier of הוצאת זרע to numb my discomfort even though I want to. Agav, the fact that I crave to return to the same behaviors that destroyed my life prior to GYE is extremely characteristic of the fact that this is an addiction.
The accountability of my streak is very helpful to me. I wanted to fall to my addiction 2 days ago but said to myself, "I cannot let the GYE community down. They believe in me and I won't them down." Made it through that nisayon. You can see from this the power of accountability and community.
As always, I encourage you to realize this is an addiction, and realize that fantasy is at the root of it all.
May Hashem assist us all in doing His Will.

Thank you so much. Your oft-repeated points about fantasy are incredibly important. And for me - your specific and detailed descriptions of how to move past fantasizing have been even more helpful. I greatly, greatly appreciate!
Chazak Viamatz and mazal tov on this milestone! many more!

I am going through the wringer.
I had a terrible night filled with the worst possible triggering dreams alternating with awful "regular" nightmares. In the triggering dreams I was fighting so vividly I felt I was fighting the nisayon while awake. I was literally oimed in nisayon in these dreams. I remember hearing my voice in the dreams throughout the night "Don't look!" "But I want to SO bad!" "Don't look!" etc on and on. I ended up managing to never look in the dreams, but I caught the imagery out of the corner of my eye ONE TIME in the first dream before looking away and that was enough to send me reeling the entire night. I'm sure others have experienced this. It's an unbelievable thing that this addiction is so deeply rooted that it penetrates even the arena of our dreams.
Woke up this morning feeling terrible even though I should have felt like a superhero.
I ran to take a freezing water until my hyperventilation from the ice-cold water made me feel start to feel a little faint so I got out.
I then managed to quickly go to shul and learned halacha for ~45 minutes before davening, which went well.
Now I'm here. I feel uncomfortable and worn out but THIS IS MY AVODAH. I heard Rabbi Meir Simcha Sperling say on the Vayimaen clip today after I davened Shacharis that we are like Navy Seals in Hashem's army, להבדיל אלף הדבולת. Very inspirational to me.
I do not care that my intellect is trying to dream up a hundred treif svoras why it should be muttar for me to be מוציא זרע לבטלה right now. "Oh, it will help you learn better because you'll feel more relaxed." "Really it's for your benefit because of this or that."
I WILL NOT LISTEN TO MY YETZER HARA IN DISGUISE AS A LAMBDAN!!!
I will not budge. I will not give up. I will suffer the pain that is dealt to me in order to do what is right. With Hashem's Help, this storm will be over soon.
נעשה ונשמע.
Have a great day, everyone!

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 13 Aug 2023 14:17:

Says something pretty good about you . if even in your state of subconscious dreaming you are also fighting the Nisayon

Had a good day and feeling much better.
B"H.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 14 Aug 2023 02:34:

BH! You are an inspiration, warrior!

Wow so inspirational! Never give up! Have in mind that you will grow from this not in spite of this. This is what Hashem wants you to be fighting now even though we cant fathom why. Perhaps one day you will be able to people. Sure sounds like it. A gibor!

I definitely hear and resonate with what you are saying. Just one thought is that if its the type of thought that is fleeting and will go away by itself, turning it into a battle may be counterproductive, I find many of my thoughts are this way. I tell myself "so what you want to do this or that, okay next thought" It doesnt sound exactly like that but you get the idea. There is no reason to fight when you dont have to. Unless it is the type that will inevitably get bigger. Most of the time "what you resist persists"