Gut vuch to everyone. Only with Hashem's help am I still clean right now. Day 119 and 120 were the hardest days for me in an extremely long time. It all started when I heard someone make an absolutely disgusting remark on Thursday and I couldn't get it out of my head, where it started festering and conjuring up old memories. Imagery that I thought was long gone was popping up as if I just saw it. Out of nowhere I found myself in a growing battle that got worse and worse and worse. I was hanging on and fighting like I hadn't had to since around days 20-30. I had let my guard down. I thought I was in the clear. I was wrong. The yetzer hara was in hiding for nearly 100 days until the perfect time to strike had come. It got worse and worse until this morning.  At 4 am I woke up in so much discomfort that I entered the all too well known pre-fall internal debate of whether or not to just give up and "get it over with already". Historically, when I get to this point I usually have a close to 100% fall rate; the debate is just a formality. I think I have probably only emerged from being so close to falling 4-5 times in my whole life, today being one of them. I was hanging on by mere threads. I was in extreme discomfort. I can't describe it. I just needed the physical relief of doing that mayseh. I went back to sleep until 6:30 when I woke up and I decided that I would either take the battle to the beis medresh like the Rambam says at the end of הלכות איסורי ביאה or literally fall to the lowest depths ר״ל on Shabbos Kodesh itself. I pulled myself out of bed and ran to shul where I called out to Hashem for help and was blessed with an uninterrupted 2 hours of focused learning in before Shacharis. Hashem blessed me and saved me this morning. After the seuda during the day, though, the fight was at full flare again. I know this sounds bad, but I just wanted Hashem to let it come out by itself while I took a nap because I couldn't deal with the thought that I will have to tolerate more pain and keep battling for at least another week. I am doing OK at this moment, but I am scared about tomorrow and the coming week. I truly don't know if I have the strength in me. I feel like a battered warrior ready to collapse. I tried to tell myself today how great and loved I must be by Hashem, but it's still so hard to feel geshmak when one of the most pleasing physical experiences in the world to me is a gross violation of halacha.  Thank you everyone here for helping me to keep moving forward.

Wow sounds challenging. BUT! you definitely can do it. We believe in you. I believe in you. 

In same situation this morning as yesterday morning.

I feel burnt out and want to give up and just restart the count. Any help is greatly appreciated. I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

We're all rooting for you! Every day is tremendous!

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 09 Jan 2022 11:21:

We are here for you and we NEED you! Please stay strong for the sake of so many people that are getting chizzuk and inspiration from you. 

If I may suggest, there is no better way to assure our own long term sobriety than to be helping others every day. Whether it is by being an accountability partner or sponsor for someone else who is struggling, or whether it is through posting on the forum, we are needed out there - and we need the others out there even more.

The last of the 20 steps to Teshuvah of Rabeinu Yonah, and the last of the 12 Steps to breaking free of addiction both talk about helping others who are struggling with the same issues we struggle with. As David Hamelech writes in Tehhilim 51 (the famous Kappitel of Teshuva after the story of Bat Sheva): "alamda poshim dirachecha, vechataim eilecha yashuvu - I shall teach sinners your ways, and sinners to you will return".

What else can we do to help others? Even if we are just starting out on our journey, we can try to find someone else to partner with and share chizuk. The accepted rule in the GYE community is that if we are clean for more than 90 days, we can already be a "sponsor" for someone else as well. But regardless of whether we are a partner or a sponsor, we can share experience, strength and hope with others, and help them along on their journey.

Not only is helping others a great therapy for our own struggles, but also "Midah kineged Midah", the more we help others heal and spread the GYE message of Teshuvah and hope, Hashem will surely help us in ways we never imagined possible!

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 09 Jan 2022 11:21:

Is there anyone you can talk to and let out some steam? 
will acting out really be the answer?

Try going back and read some of your past posts...

"9. Don't ever think that because it's hard and uncomfortable that you should give up. Nothing that is worth doing is easy. Nothing. Be willing to fight to do what's right even though it hurts."

im not sure I could say it any better than yourself!

Zedj wrote on 09 Jan 2022 15:29:

You are right. Good point. I had forgotten my own words. It's terrible how in the midst of discomfort one's thinking can get so clouded. Thank God, I made it through the morning and did not fall. Just had a great chavrusa and FINALLY got pshat in a difficult tosfos in Shabbos that I've been struggling with for some time. I'm not sure, but perhaps in the merit of this battle I was zoche to clarity in the sugya. I feel on fire to tackle the rest of the day. Let's go. Planning on going to gym now to blow off more steam. I have to reset myself and strengthen my morale. I have noticed that being on the defensive in this battle can only work for short term. Thank you to everyone. Couldn't keep going without GYE.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 09 Jan 2022 00:07:

I am in absolute awe! This is nothing short of the Tzidkus of Yosef Hatzadik! Your act is on record in Shamayim together with the greatest acts of Mesirus Nefesh.
Does keeping that in mind help you get through it? (Can you imagine if after running away from Eishes Potiphar he decided to give in and go back to her?)
Also, have you tried to think that the urge is like an itch - it feels like you need to scratch it, but you can just let the sensation be - just let it sit there and don't fight it.

Hatzlocha!! 

Thank you DavidT for your encouragement. It is so important to feel chashuv and needed and your words help me to feel that. I am trucking still, thank God. Made it through the morning. What does it mean to be a sponsor or partner? What does each entail? Thank you.

Avrohom wrote on 09 Jan 2022 17:36:

This brought some tears to my eyes. Thank you for your encouragement. I will try implementing your approach.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 09 Jan 2022 00:07:

Tzaddik yesod oilam!!!, reading your post just makes me scream wow! How lucky is am yisrael to have you in it! Your will power! Your determination! Your a real fighter! There’s so much to learn from you!!! Keep going!! I believe in you! Right now it feels hard.. But if you try to focus on other stuff for the next few days and you pass this hard stage! Like you did past 100 days! You’ll be the happiest man! And you know what else you’ll be able to say!!? “If I got through this gehinom! I can get through all the future battles that life brings me!” When we fall to one, we’re essentially saying, “I’m too weak! With this amount of motivation and determination - I’m not capable!” But by winning we’re saying, “I’m stronger! I’m committed… I’m proving to myself I’m capable!” And with that go dance because you showed yourself, how strong and worthy and capable you are! That nothing, not even the ferocious taiva can overcome you! Not even on day 120 when it suddenly shocked you! Keep going! Don’t give up, at one point you yourself made the decision to stop because you saw the other side of “giving in” isn’t worth it! Right? So try to remember you obviously just can’t see well right now, but forsure that side is worse! Cuz you made the decision to stop! And not turn back!

gonna drop a few small tips to help you get back on track, 
1)   Often strong intensity comes from sexual thoughts. Which leads to the need to alleviate it through masturbation… therefore reminding yourself of the proper mindset that thinking about sexual stuff is running on ice and destined to fall and go down a slide.. and what you really want is intimacy.. and that’s what will last! that can help a lot on not overthinking about sexual stuff cuz you remind yourself you’ll just end up on a slide downhill. Secondly reminding yourself that you can get the same relief for these triggers through any kosher dopamine relief like exercise… helps that you not feel too deprived.”
2) After all, doesn’t masturbating make you feel so relaxed? Less irritable? Just calmer? And less triggered? For me - Yes! validate that! Yet, it’s important to remember that because of this our minds are so inclined to fall and get that cuz we love it, therefore it’s important to remember your spiritual feelings about it? Your ultimate goal! And why your honestly trying to stop.. and remember that you don’t wanna masturbate! You wanna alleviate the desires! And that can be done through any outlet! And it’ll be only longer lasting… with so much extra happy feelings! Of feeling capable, worth it, pure and the list goes on and on… 
3) taking a real strong action to end this hard period of trigger can be so helpful! More helpful then masturbation! Masturbation ends the triggers with a relief,(for a short period of time) yet with alot of guilt and hardship.. as opposed to perhaps, getting the release from a 3 mile jog and then right after writing a letter to these triggering thoughts and saying goodbye to them? And then heading to the mikvah! We put in so much to masturbate and get the relief cuz we wanna end the misery, but remember there’s so many options that are actually really better in regards to the relief just harder to implement cuz our brains want the sexual relief! So, just hang in there and remember there’s a lot you can do and it’s masturbating won’t help! A relief will! 
lastly, I’m here for you! If you ever need anything feel free to reach out! 
I’m rooting for you, - shtarkandemotional 

What is happening in shomayim? We can only imagine the "earthquake" high on the Richter scale that is taking place there as the whole pamalia shel maaleh celebrates this superhuman act.  A yelood isha has such gevura? Such self control? A bais medrash instead of fantasy land? Who knows how many gezeiros against yidden were nullified because of you, the tzaddik!

The wish that it should come out while sleeping is very common for guys here. i went through a period of time where i (mistakenly) begged Hashem for that to happen. Tell yourself again and again - there is ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO EJACULATE. It is an imagined need - which we trained ourselves to have. The day you begin to believe that, a menuchas hanefesh will iyh set in that you never knew existed.

Hatzlocha buddy. You are the hero.

חזק ואמץ

I'm reading this thread and am literally crying. 

מי כעמך ישראל! 

Hashem, why are we still in galus when we have such tzaddikim in our generation?? 

Been thinking about you! How’ve you been?