0587933 wrote on 08 Jan 2022 23:57:
As well as being highly addicted to porn for around 6 years (I’m 20 now) I have gotten into the worst thing possible which just kills me every time I think about it - this is hooking up with girls…I’ve done it properly twice but I’m disgusted by it and I’m just scared about the past and also the future bc who knows, maybe I’m going to do it again!!! Can someone who has actually done it with girls please help
Hi Help help help,
I wish I could. I wish I would have what to offer. Though I didn't want to just pass by your post without offering you a piece of my heart. I gave $5 to Tzedakas Reb Meir Baal Ha'Nes in your zechus, may Hashem give you the power and the staying power to overcome this mighty challenge, keep clean and marry a wonderful woman quicker than you may believe possible! Everyone reading this post (including the poster) would you consider joining me with your own donation for whatever amount to R' Meir Baal Hanes in the zchus of the poster?
I would like to relate my story to you, perhaps it may give you a boost in the direction you'd like to go. There is an address you may be able to access in the inner recesses of your heart.
At a young age I was touched by a classmate in a dirty provocative way, introducing the world of tai'va to me. It was one of young males tai'va, not of females. Fast forward a few years, I was touching others while they slept and masturbating 3 times daily. I wasn't sleeping at night as I was waiting for my bait to enter the deep stages of sleep, I was barley eating, I lost a lot of weight from lack of food intake. I reached a point of deep depression and decided to take my life. I started holding my breath as a means to kill myself (psst, it doesn't work, passing out from lack of oxygen happens before death does, at which point you resume breathing against your will
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/smile.png)
) After 10-20 seconds I decided to stop for a second and see whether Hashem will send me a message about why I'm in so much pain, by opening a random Sefer to a random place and just putting my finger on a random spot. This is what I got:
beta.otzar.org/#/book/142010/p/43/t/0.72171896279960431234/fs/0/start/0/end/0/c
:רמבם הלכות דעות פרק ד הלכה יט
יט שכבת זרע היא כח הגוף וחייו ומאור העינים וכל שתצא ביותר הגוף כלה וכחו כלה וחייו אובדים הוא שאמר שלמה בחכמתו אל תתן לנשים חילך בכל השטוף בבעילה זקנה קופצת עליו וכחו תשש ועיניו כהות וריח רע נודף מפיו ומשחיו ושער ראשו וגבות עיניו וריסי עיניו נושרות ושער זקנו ושחיו ושער רגליו רבה שיניו נופלות והרבה כאבים חוץ מאלו באים עליו אמרו חכמי הרופאים אחד מאלף מת בשאר חלאים והאלף מרוב התשמיש לפיכך צריך אדם להזהר בדבר זה אם רצה לחיות בטובה I was blown away, I felt like that was a loving kiss from Hashem saying - this is why your feeling miserable, here's how to fix it... I tried very hard. I got to a point of seven months clean from Masturbation (the seven months wasn't right away, I had to fight hard to get to that point). Fast forward a few years. I thought I was perfect with shmiras einayinm, holy, Ai I was thinking about boys my age and younger? That was separated in my mind, I was holy when it came to women. I trully had no desire for them - my mind was trained to like boys not girls. Someone left a provocative picture of a women in a bathroom. I saw it. I looked at it. I wanted it. I was so torn apart at that moment. I said to Hashem - this is a totally new low for me. Until now men, now women too?? I can't do this! I don't know how, but you can do anything - get me married! Within two weeks one of the Gedolei HaDor matched up me and my wife in a crystal clear Ruach HaKodesh occurrence. It happened to me. It can happen to you. In this form, in another form. With this thing, with that thing. It is very hard to get to that place of deep desperation where you cry pierces thorough the heavens to Avinu Shebashomayim, I've tried to get back to that place with other things, with my current struggles with (
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/sad.png)
) masterbation and others things, I haven't gotten to that pure powerfull tefilla from deep inside. But I want you to know it's possible, reach inside, do what you can, cry out to him. It helps. I cannot tell you that means you'll never be with another girl again, what I can tell you is take Hashem with you on your journey, tell him your sadness and frustration with your actions, implore him to help you in his way to either never fall into that again and for him to help you get back up if and when you fall again.
I'm out of steam and time, otherwise I'd keep sharing my thoughts.
Love you
![](https://guardyoureyes.com/components/com_kunena/template/default/images/emoticons/new/kissing_heart.png)
, please let me know how your doing as you go along, I may not be around sometimes for days or a week at a time, though I'd love to hear from you.
Gibbor k'Ari