As well as being highly addicted to porn for around 6 years (I’m 20 now) I have gotten into the worst thing possible which just kills me every time I think about it - this is hooking up with girls…I’ve done it properly twice but I’m disgusted by it and I’m just scared about the past and also the future bc who knows, maybe I’m going to do it again!!! Can someone who has actually done it with girls please help 

0587933 wrote on 08 Jan 2022 23:57:

Hi Help help help,

I wish I could. I wish I would have what to offer. Though I didn't want to just pass by your post without offering you a piece of my heart. I gave $5 to Tzedakas Reb Meir Baal Ha'Nes in your zechus, may Hashem give you the power and the staying power to overcome this mighty challenge, keep clean and marry a wonderful woman quicker than you may believe possible! Everyone reading this post (including the poster) would you consider joining me with your own donation for whatever amount to R' Meir Baal Hanes in the zchus of the poster?

I would like to relate my story to you, perhaps it may give you a boost in the direction you'd like to go. There is an address you may be able to access in the inner recesses of your heart.

At a young age I was touched by a classmate in a dirty provocative way, introducing the world of tai'va to me. It was one of young males tai'va, not of females. Fast forward a few years, I was touching others while they slept and masturbating 3 times daily. I wasn't sleeping at night as I was waiting for my bait to enter the deep stages of sleep, I was barley eating, I lost a lot of weight from lack of food intake. I reached a point of deep depression and decided to take my life. I started holding my breath as a means to kill myself (psst, it doesn't work, passing out from lack of oxygen happens before death does, at which point you resume breathing against your will ) After 10-20 seconds I decided to stop for a second and see whether Hashem will send me a message about why I'm in so much pain, by opening a random Sefer to a random place and just putting my finger on a random spot. This is what I got:
 beta.otzar.org/#/book/142010/p/43/t/0.72171896279960431234/fs/0/start/0/end/0/c
:רמבם הלכות דעות פרק ד הלכה יט
   יט שכבת זרע היא כח הגוף וחייו ומאור העינים וכל שתצא ביותר הגוף כלה וכחו כלה וחייו אובדים הוא שאמר שלמה בחכמתו אל תתן לנשים חילך בכל השטוף בבעילה זקנה קופצת עליו וכחו תשש ועיניו כהות וריח רע נודף מפיו ומשחיו ושער ראשו וגבות עיניו וריסי עיניו נושרות ושער זקנו ושחיו ושער רגליו רבה שיניו נופלות והרבה כאבים חוץ מאלו באים עליו אמרו חכמי הרופאים אחד מאלף מת בשאר חלאים והאלף מרוב התשמיש לפיכך צריך אדם להזהר בדבר זה אם רצה לחיות בטובה  I was blown away, I felt like that was a loving kiss from Hashem saying - this is why your feeling miserable, here's how to fix it... I tried very hard. I got to a point of seven months clean from Masturbation (the seven months wasn't right away, I had to fight hard to get to that point). Fast forward a few years. I thought I was perfect with shmiras einayinm, holy, Ai I was thinking about boys my age and younger? That was separated in my mind, I was holy when it came to women. I trully had no desire for them - my mind was trained to like boys not girls. Someone left a provocative picture of a women in a bathroom. I saw it. I looked at it. I wanted it. I was so torn apart at that moment. I said to Hashem - this is a totally new low for me. Until now men, now women too?? I can't do this! I don't know how, but you can do anything - get me married! Within two weeks one of the Gedolei HaDor matched up me and my wife in a crystal clear Ruach HaKodesh occurrence. It happened to me. It can happen to you. In this form, in another form. With this thing, with that thing. It is very hard to get to that place of deep desperation where you cry pierces thorough the heavens to Avinu Shebashomayim, I've tried to get back to that place with other things, with my current struggles with ( ) masterbation and others things, I haven't gotten to that pure powerfull tefilla from deep inside. But I want you to know it's possible, reach inside, do what you can, cry out to him. It helps. I cannot tell you that means you'll never be with another girl again, what I can tell you is take Hashem with you on your journey, tell him your sadness and frustration with your actions, implore him to help you in his way to either never fall into that again and for him to help you get back up if and when you fall again.
I'm out of steam and time, otherwise I'd keep sharing my thoughts.
Love you , please let me know how your doing as you go along, I may not be around sometimes for days or a week at a time, though I'd love to hear from you.

Gibbor k'Ari

Hi HHH, 

I have also been with girls in the past outside of marriage. A couple of things stood out to me from the wording of your post, particularly about being disgusted by your previous relations. Being intimate with someone and the desire to be intimate with someone are completely natural feelings. I don't think you should feel disgusted with yourself, or with intimacy in general. In the right time and place, intimacy is a beautiful, holy thing. Of course it has to occur at the right time and place.

Sometimes when I dwell on my past relations I get completely overcome by guilt. Ultimately, for myself I don't think it's productive to give thought or energy to those moments yet. We can't change the past, and we're only in control of how we respond to it. To me, the best response is to put those moments in a box for now, and to focus on becoming the best version of yourself possible. When you're ready down the line you can take those things out and deal with them, but you have your entire life ahead of you. It can and will be filled with so much growth, connection, and meaning. Your previous experiences make you uniquely sensitive to how important these issues are and how important it is to be careful with the power of intimacy. In a certain sense, having that perspective can be a strength for you. Wishing you a lot of success in your growth

0587933 wrote on 08 Jan 2022 23:57:

yep; but as said above, you gotta decide how you're moving on

sign seen at gye headquarters in the menen hotel, republic of nauru: prishus! yosef hatzaddik! hero! no need to spew! gibbor! you're the inspiration (as peter cetera famously sang)! absolutely no necessity to ejaculate! explore the beaches (there's no one else there anyway)! call the hotline (if you have any service bars on your phone)!

welcome
you got to the right place
as for the past what was was.....
start now. learn the things from here. try flight to freedom from gye.
You are not lost just in a very hard place. With much learning and hard work בס"ד you WILL get out of this mess.
hope to hear from you as you start your success בעזרת ה'

Welcome. What a brave first post. You can iyh break free. Have you sought any help from a therapist or rav/mentor?

We're behind you 100% bro.

Post nightly and we will support you through your ups and downs.

Oh, and go make yourself a catchy name and contact Dov to change to it.

That new name will be a whole new persona; allowing you a respite and safe spot to go and hang with this awesome chevra when you need it most.

I have been here for 1.5 years and my life is completely changed.

Got your back from Grodno ~ img

Maintaining a strong clarity on why you wanna stop something is often a big part to success. How about working on reaching that clarity? There’s many ways that can be done! Based on my experience no plan is every successful without that.