Thank you so much for the thank yous and the posts! I appreciate all of you and that is certainly a big portion of what keeps me going!
I thank Hashem for bringing me to this point.
I am very happy to be holding here,but I am well aware that really nothing much has changed since yesterday. I am doing well BH but still need the same vigilance. Yes, it is not the same as Day 1,but not sure if any different than day 88.
I always like to compare this struggle to other parts of my life. As I have mentioned,for health reasons I made a major diet change about a year and a half ago. I was very realistic about it and set up a very livable plan. It included most foods so that it was not a short term fad thing but fairly sustainable. I would tell everyone "I am not on a diet. This is the way that I eat now." This was all good for a year or so. BH I had a simcha and things got very busy... I ended up totally going off the new plan for a while. Then back on. Then off. etc etc
I learned a few things from the experience. First of all,if you struggle in an area,even a year is not long enough to say your good for life! I also learned that life is not so simple. Although I did well for a year,complications will arise and that is just part of the ebb and flow of life as we know it. Just gotta keep going as best as we can.
​Perhaps the most important lesson I learned (honestly I am realizing this now as I type) is that even though I had on times and off times since that year of great eating habits, my habits have never returned to the same level as before with regard to certain aspects. This is perhaps the best lesson. Even if there are ups and downs on the journey, the gains you make by changing still have a huge impact on the levels of struggle you will deal with(I believe this is referred to as Nekudas habechrah).
So too here, BH I am in a good place now and I am extremely grateful to Hashem for that.However, I am not naive enough to think I am done. Not by a long shot.
Thank you
Lou

Sorry for a back to back posting....
GYE sent an email that I should share what has worked for me beH.In all honesty,I don't feel qualified to answer that. I did not come here at the age and level when I was deep in the throes of my desires. At that time someone did try to get me to come here and I blatantly refused. By the time I came here for real, I was at the maturity and internal level that I was ready for change. Don't get me wrong I was still doing terrible,terrible things on a fairly regular basis,but the fire was not the same.I just needed the kick in the pants and the pat on the back at the right times to get me going. GYE fit me like a glove at this point. Without it,I would still be drifting out there. But without my internal drive (Chessed Hashem),it would not really have done much for me either.
So, what am I saying to others? Firstly I stand in awe and respect for those younger and in different more challenging phases of life. If I were here at that point, I would probably be up and down all the time. But my real message is that more important than all the GYE rules and programs etc is to work on creating the drive to want to change yourself. Once that is clear, joining and following GYE is just a pleasure.
Hatzlocha
Lou

Chag Kosher ViSameach to all!
Achecha bahava,
Lou

Bchessd Hashem, a boring post to say all is going well. I still have a heartbeat so still faced with nisyonos occasionally,but overall living the good life!
Thank you Hashem and all of you here at GYE!

I had a fall after 107 days. I have no time to elaborate now....
Not in the best of spirits now obviously

Sorry to hear.

You have been an inspiration for me over the last couple of months, and I am looking forward to many more to come. 

Falling happens to the best of us, it doesn't change who you are as a person. 

It's a rough spot to be in and it feels awful, especially after a long streak. 

Just so you know, I got a lot of chizzuk from this post:


I love the honesty and clarity. 

wishing you much hatzlacha!

Wilnevergiveup

Lou wrote on 07 Apr 2021 14:57:

I will not go into great detail about the actual fall as I don't see a point. Suffice it say it was considered a fall according to all opinions. However,it was not as bad as things I was doing before joining GYE. I also want to point out that it started off as curiosity and ended in a bad way. Curiosity is a great Middah and should be used to understand and know more Torah and perhaps other important knowledge. I used it the wrong way.
Right now, I am simultaneously working on opposite ideas. On the one hand I am trying to magnify  this fall so I should't think it was not a big deal and just move on. On the other hand, I am working on lessening the enormity of the situation so as not to lose hope and be depressed and have yiush etc. Trying to find an appropriate balance. I am also trying not to think all that much about it at all as that leads me to think about the actual fall and you know where that could lead to. Especially while I am still in this vulnerable state.
​I hope this experience will help me empathize better with others that have similar falls.
Thank you for listening
Hashem Yirachem

You did amazing. 107. For some reason in regard to this specific issue we become radicals. If we learn well all week besides one day we accept that and move on. Here we get all bent out of shape. There are many reasons probably, but whatever it is let's view it in the proper context. 

You came here deep in the mud. You fought your way out, learning how to do it, and helped many, many others too. So you fell. It's wrong and shouldn't happen, but that can't erase where you are holding. You are a completely different person now and have a whole new reservoir of tools and a wealth of shteiging. 

Accept, learn from it and move on. You owe it to yourself. 

We all say "falling is part of the process" and it really is but when it happens it hurts.

Your story doesn't end with a fall it continues on....it was just a plot twist to add suspence....

i hope you get up from this and continue forward because the chizuk you give all of us is tremendous.

The past is the past but  tommorow is in your hands.

Wishing you much hatzlocha!

From my own experience (no where near 107 days) I find that trying to live life is the best and most straight forward way to go.
I hope are doing better

Thank you to all who reached out with Chizuk on here,PM and chat etc. I really appreciate it.
BH in a much better place now. I will plead temporary insanity for this fall,but not sure if that works in Bais Din shel maalah.It certainly would not be a good plea to my family members or myself so it can not happen again.
Thank you all

Lou wrote on 09 Apr 2021 01:53:

התשובה היא, ש"נכנס בו רוח-שטות". השתלטה עליו רוח זרה, רוח של שטות, שכיסתה על האמונה שבליבו. היא גרמה לו שלא לחוש את החומרה שבמעשהו, את הפירוד מהקב"ה שנגרם על-ידי החטא. אילו אכן היה מרגיש את משמעותו האמיתית של חטא ועוון ואת העובדה שהחטא מרחיקו ממקור הקדושה - לא היה חוטא בשום אופן.

מהי אותה 'רוח-שטות'? - זו התאווה. המשיכה של הגשמיות והחומריות, גורמת לאדם לאבד את התחושה הרוחנית ואת הרגישות לדבקותו בקב"ה. הוא משלה את עצמו שלא קרה דבר ושעל אף החטא הוא נשאר קרוב אל ה'. התאווה מסתירה ממנו את האמת, שכל חטא, אפילו חטא קטן, פוגם בקשר שלו אל הקב"ה.

David T That was beautiful. Where is that from?

The last few days have not been so pleasant. On again.Off again. etc etc
I only have one piece of advice for everyone (most of all myself!) Keep in mind, A fall is not just a fall for that minute. There is a recovery process afterwards and it is brutal. Keep that in mind next you get hit by the temporary insanity (Ruach Shtus). Realize it aint so temporary...
Struggling (and falling) with things that haven't been an issue for a few months. BH, I definitely do see a marked difference in the way it all is now then how it was before I came here. A huge difference,and that is great! I am celebrating that point.
I think the process  can be seen as building a tower. I fell off the tower but the tower is still there. However it is not so simple as I still have to walk up all those steps to get back to the top of the tower. Walking up is not as hard as building but it sure is harder than being at the top already. Going up with the elevator won't work. You need to walk back up with sweat pouring down your face to get back to the top of your building. Perhaps you are better off as on the way up you can examine and repair any faulty parts on your way up....

I could have just dropped a "thank you " but don't think it would have sufficed.

Within the last minute I got trigeared by somethig written here on GYE (they meant well and wasnot a universally yriggering post j for me specificLly) and this gives me a lot of chizzuk!