Hi everyone!

This time I am celebrating a fall! Sounds ridiculous, but this is why:

About 1.5 years ago I finally managed to get to 90 days clean (after a few attempts..) and even managed 157 days clean!
Then I fell. And fell again.. and again.. This always happens to me (to fall again and again before getting back up.. Similiar to sneezing twice...)
For 2 reasons: a) "Yiush", giving up.. feeling low with oneself, unworthy etc. ; b) The Yetzer Hara whispers to you: "Chap arein! Quick! Before you restart your 90-Day-Journey, just masturbate/watch stuff a few more times, you won't loose from it..."
Of course this is a terrible mistake. As every single Aveiro is harmful. There are no "package deals".
Anyway, back to my story, after falling badly, I finally managed to get back on track and stayed clean for over a year! I think I got over 400 days clean.. I was in total controll of my actions. I was no longer acting impulsively. I thought I would never fall again.
However, after giving in to my YH of Shmiras Einayim bit by bit...I eventually fell (HZ"L) in middle of this past Elul! I was very upset. But this time something was different: I knew that I can do it! I focused on the tremendous achievment I had this past year of being in total control of my actions! Instead of feeling depressed I got right back up and did not fall a second time B"H. (Even though I was very very tempted to just "chill" a bit and do it another few times, and I was extremely tempted to just have a quick look at porn, which I haven't watched for the past 2-3 years...) You must understand: this has never ever happened that I did not have a 2nd fall within a few days!

So isn't this fall, a reason for celebration?

I am now 25 days clean and I will not give up!

I am not writing this to boast.. but just to give others chizzuk, if anyone out there relates to my situation or also struggles with this "double falling"...

Wishing you all a Gut Yom Tov & Gut Kvittel

UpAndDown wrote on 30 Sep 2020 20:28:

Incredible post brother! 

You're amazing! Keep it up and spread that simcha!

Incredible!!! Really a huge accomplishment, thanks for sharing. The falling multiple times is a very difficult argument of the Y"H to refute, you feel awful after the first one, you are looking for a "feel good" fix and on top of that you don't have any streak to worry about so really what do you have to loose... 

Kudos to you for getting up, this is truly a breakthrough.

Keep it up and keep on inspiring!

Wilnevergiveup

Thank you, my friends, for your encouragement & support.
It is in the zechut of GYE and the help of all of you out there, that I am a loyal husband & happy father today!

How u been?