That was a horn of a monster truck... Toooooot!!!!

Just getting some feelings out for myself, no need to read or respond.

My emotional struggles have caused me among other things, to feel rejected easily. When that happens, I in turn reject whoever it was that rejected me. It's frustrating because I am extra sensitive to feeling manipulated and controlled, even if it was not the intention. I am very aware of what I do and why I do it, I just only realize when it's too late. This is affecting my relationship with my wife and is really frustrating.

I am just upset that I keep on saying and doing things because I feel controlled, manipulated etc. I am still not sure if there is any justifications for my feelings, meaning am I hyper sensitive, or am I making something from nothing?

It's also frustrating because when I am triggered with these feelings, I completely shut down. I cannot daven, cannot learn, cannot do anything pretty much from my daily routine except the bare minimum to get by. Everything feels like it's controlling me for some reason or another, and I feel this need to be myself and to feel independent. To do that, I shut off from anything that I feel like I "have" to do, any goals, any schedule, it's like I want to be able to accept myself and others to accept me without any strings attached.

Usually I cannot figure out what triggered it, my therapist helps me, and helps me see the pattern and helps me see it in the future so that I can respond appropriately in the future without closing up. This time, I have no idea what triggered it, but it sure caused me to make a mess.

I am so frustrated, it feels like this is happening way more often now, after many months of therapy. Or is it just that I am more aware of it? I di think I am expressing these feelings more than I used to, so it's possible both ways.

I think that's enough rambling for now.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 07 Dec 2021 08:04:

I very much can relate to what your experiencing, feeling rejected and then getting angry with the person who caused you to feel so and then getting down on your self why ur feeling that way..
uch its really painful!!

here are some questions for you,
​have you felt like this before starting therapy?
​can you think what has happened now? 
are you making any progress in therapy?

with love,
willdoit,

Hi everyone, I feel like it's time to visit my own thread again in honor of hitting over one thousand posts. That means that whoever had the patience to read through all my ramblings had a lot of nonsense to sift through.

It's amazing what my journey meant to me, where it brought me and the wonderful people I had the zechus of meeting along the way. 

I am sure that I have upset some with my posts, I am truly sorry for that. 

I look back at some of my older posts and often cringe at the things that I see. I embrace it though, after all, that's just part of the journey. I hope anyone who sees the the foolish things that I wrote will realize that I have grown and come to understand life and others in a completely different way in the short time that I have been hanging around this special place. 

To all my friends, I wish you much hatzlacha, I wish some more people would stick around, there are so many people who I got to know that have since disappeared without a trace. I hope they are all doing well wherever they are. 

I'd like to think that I am doing pretty well here, I still struggle occasionally with masturbation (largely connected to my emotional struggle which I have also made tremendous progress thanks to therapy) but I have not looked at Porn or YouTube on a few years (with just a few one time lapses) which is a huge accomplishment. If I had the opportunity to watch, I probably would at this point, that's why I try real hard not to give myself the opportunity. I know that I have to keep fighting my masturbation issue, because, as Cordnoy says, "lust is lust". If I don't keep fighting, it will just grow and I will likely fall back to where I once was.

Either way, I am very happy and proud to be part of such a special community.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 24 Jan 2022 07:24:

no need to worry about me reading nonsense; firstly, that's mainly what i write, and secondly, your nonsense usually shows up in paragraph 3,4,5,6,7..... i have moved on to other beaches by then.

Hey, that's a milestone buddy, I tried not to miss a post of yours, they were of the most helpful and insightful through out my continuous journey. And it almost always resonated with me. I have gained tremendously from them! 

Thank you! Keep rambling....

Agreed. When Willnevergiveup posts, it is always something that makes us all think. Keep inspiring in your most down to earth and clear style. You are nonjudgmental, yet you say it "like it is". Continued hatzlocha!

Just wow. I just read through your whole thread and its deffinitly the best one i've read and the most descritive of what my struggle is on a daily bases.   

You are so courageous. Your posts are so full of expression and meaning. I relate to you and already feel better knowing your here. You are so worthy, and just plain good. 

Keep on sharing your feelings and journey, its a big chizuk!

BTW- i saw a recommendation earlier in your thread for the book "Running on empty" by Jonice Webb (HHM) -I have read both her books and they are amazing. They were the begining of my journey. (Im in therapy a couple years now)

hey buddy, keep it up! nice hearing from you! keep on going!!!!!

I love you man, really do. You’ve helped me immensely and I wish you much hatzlocha in all that you’re working through currently.
And sorry for disappearing a shtikl…

YeshivaGuy

I had a nice stretch, somewhere around ten days. 

Then I started to find stuff open on my computer, in the past, I would be strong enough to close them up before I wasted too much time but this time it took a while. 

I'd like to think that I am in a good place but I don't feel like it. It could be my anxiety/depression again, but I am feeling really frustrated. I am better than I was when I first came here, that's for sure, but I am still not happy with myself. 

I am spending lots of time on shopping websites looking at you know, swimsuits, lingerie, images of models etc. not the worst, but it's the same lust. It's the same me not coping with life again and turning to lust to fix my issues.

I am not actually sure what exactly is bothering me about this, maybe it's the fear that my wife will figure out that I am suddenly in the bathroom way longer than usual. 

I actually feel a distance between my wife and I when I am busy with lust. I think it's on an emotional level that I feel unworthy of love and therefore she probably just wants me to stay away. Or, it might be that feeling that is pushing me to turn to lust in the first place... Something to talk about in therapy I guess...

I guess this separation that I feel can be what's bothering me with my lusting.

I don't really feel motivated anymore to work on this. I have come a long way and at this point, I kinda just think as long as it doesn't get worse I can handle masturbating every week or so. The naked women might catch up with my values though, I do feel guilty about that. I cannot remember anymore why I care about this anymore aside from my wife catching me and dying before I do teshuva. Oh, and wasting time. Oh and self respect. Okay it's coming back to me. I thing the self respect is the main reason I started here, I couldn't respect myself and the fact that I had no self control. Come to think of it, I don't really respect myself now.

Okay, enough for now.

Time to reread the battle of the generation. Don’t settle.

Had a brief visit last week on a porn site. Wasn't on one for a long time. Afterwards I couldn't decide why or if,  this is still a priority for me. Life has become much more manageable lately and lots of the reasons I didn't wanna watch in the past arent there anymore. For the time being I decided to stay away because I dont trust myself not to get pulled in to it fully again, and also it makes my sex standard higher and more important which just gets in the way of me living life. (The latter reason turned out to be true in the next few days).
Using it to numb life problems is also an important reason for me not to do it, so thanks for reminding me that.

P.s. if my response is bothering you, please dont stop posting, just lmk, I'll take it back, no questions asked...

I think I started tying worthiness to being successful in this struggle again. Even though I didn't actually masturbate until a few days later, I already felt worthless once I started edging and looking at those images. Although doing those things might be a cause for a fall later on, in my case I think they made me feel that feeling that I cannot control myself and that I am being controlled by lust. That made me feel like I have no value or worthiness. I forgot/ignored all the good things that I do and just think that I am a loser. The result is that I isolate and try to wait for this to blow over, but really I should talk to someone. I cannot talk to my wife, this makes me feel lonely.

I speak to my therapist but it's hard to work through these things and it takes a long time. 

Just a random thought, you can probably gauge where you are holding in your recovery, if when you find a loophole or something open whether you are able to calmly take care of it, or you spend the next few days indulging and then complain to your filtering company that their filter sucks because it has too many loopholes.

@Sapy, your awesome!

@vehkam, I never actually got through The Battle of the Generation the first time I started. It might be a good idea though.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 Mar 2022 06:42:

Good call.