battle-of-the-gen wrote on 09 Oct 2020 21:04:

Wow! Mazal Tov! This is really nice news!
May you have much hatzlachah and berachah.

It's also really nice to hear from you again on the forum I hope we can get some more of you.

So nice to see that you are doing well.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Mazel tov bro!!! 

Grant400 wrote on 09 Oct 2020 22:01:

Thanks, iyh Ill get properly educated on this topic and bzh itll be a healthy experience. Looking frwd 

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 12 Oct 2020 05:56:

I second what Grant wrote, it's really important to get a healthy perspective on what your marriage is supposed to look like.

As Grant said, there are two issues that both need to be addressed, one is fantasizing and the other is about expectations. Both are make it or break it in a healthy marriage the latter being extremely complex. I don't know whey you are privileged access to the BB section but Yechidah has a whole thread discussing this (it's 27 pages long and counting).

Just so you know, it's not included in the standard chosson package, depending on who your chosson Rebbe is he might touch on it or not even that.
My Rebbe is supposed to be someone who does and even he didn't discuss it thoroughly. Unless they know your background, they wont know it until you tell them.

Just an idea in case you chicken out from telling your chosson Rebbe, you can prepare a letter for him to read instead.

It's a different shmuez, because first he has to untie all the knots before he can start retying them.

I remember when I went for my chosson shmuez, I though, come on how can this guy know more then me...
Well, as someone wise once told me, you need a root canal in your brain. It's all decayed inside, someone has to go in there, clean out all the decaying stuff and only then can you start building a new healthy tooth.

B"H you are starting your marriage in a much better place then a lot of us here, but please, please, please, make sure to speak to your chosson Rebbe about this.

Oh and by the way, if he tell you this is not an issue (he wont) then please find a new one.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Hey its been a while since I posted up, hows everyone doing? Hows everyone holding up?

Hey, nice to hear from you!

I hope all is well. How is married life? How is life in general?

Missing your chizzuk.

All the best

Hey so I started a nice streak around this time last year that bh lasted a while, around 6 months or so(around 200 days) and then I fell.
I fell in december (or maybe in january) but at that point, i felt like i had a bit of a handle on it. I was able to control it a bit and I didnt really want to admit that im back in the rut. 
Well here I am. I back in the battle.
I was trying to figure out why I felt like I couldnt admit to myself that I need to get back on the horse and figure this out. I think i was just ashamed and annoyed at myself, bec I felt like I worked on it and i was over it and now Im back where I started.
So I finally got over the shame and Im ready to pound it out. Im back.
Hey @willnevergiveup, good to hear from u!

Welcome back brother.
Wishing you much success in continuing the fight!

Bh 1 day in so far so good.
Im not sure yet what my gameplan is going to be yet but well see. 
The main thing I took care of is that all devices in my house are webchavered, so that was a big first step.
Something that going clean for while helped me figure out is whats at stake and why I want and need to stop(not in any particular order): 

• Build a better relationship with Hashem
• The amount of free time I have to go after what I want to.
• The ability to get on a healthy daily routine(stability in life)
• Not hiding/living a "double life"
• My sedarim in yehsiva were significantly better and shtarker 
• Able to start projects and goals and work on them daily 
• Of course for my wife 
• And I dont know what I'm going to do if I dont 

Its good to write and see why your fighting because if not, its a lot harder to motivate yourself. Focus
Till next time
Hatzlacha!

Bh still going strong. Good shabbos everyone

Great attitude. I hope you realize that you have a fan club rooting for you....

battle-of-the-gen wrote on 20 Apr 2021 20:29:

I think that sometimes we feel this way when we overcome a major challenge and it becomes how we identify ourselves. For example, we may have many things that we accomplish but when we overcome something as great as this we tell ourselves "I am the guy who did 90 days" and we identify ourselves by this specific accomplishment. One fall, I can tell myself that I am still on the better side of things but when things start getting out of control I have a choice, I can either admit that I am not "that guy" anymore, or I can tell myself that I am still him. The second option is easier on our self worth because we can still feel good about being a "90 day guy" the first option requires us to live up to the reality that we still have work to do. Essentially what we tend to do is go into denial in order to save our self worth.

There is no healthy option other than not hanging our self worth on one specific accomplishment. Both options are wrong, we still need work, but that doesn't either make is into a bad guy. It only makes us into a bad guy if it was the only good thing in the first place but this is just not the case.

I know that in my case, it's really important for me to see and appreciate my accomplishments in all areas of life. I know that I have to be careful, especially when I am successful in a specific area, not to depend my worthiness on one specific area. It can very tempting.

As a side point, people who have a hard time with this, people who do prove their worthiness in the areas that they excel in, tend to be judgmental. Judgmental people, besides for having a hard time socially, are usually really hard on themselves. The same way the have a hard time accepting others for who they are, they cannot either accept themselves for who they are. The two usually work hand in hand. "I will only be  good enough if I had "x" or if I did "y"" is very similar to "he isn't doing it right because it's not the way I think it should be done."

Just a thought, not sure if any of this applies to you but I am sure it applies to someone out there.

Either way I hope you can stay in the game and have a long, happy and healthy marriage with shalom bayis and as little garbage possible.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Great post @wngu.
But I think that by this particular struggle, even people who usually dont get hung up on a accomplishment etc have this issue, not that they view themselves as "a guy who past 90" rather they see themselves as "a guy that does not fall anymore". I think that people are eager to put this struggle behind them, and to not see themselves as people who struggle with those stuff anymore. (It may be true sometimes to a certain degree, and I know some mentors here even push this thought)
The result is either way the same. After a fall it's hard to face that they are still struggling and people sometimes will tend to live in denial, to save their self worth.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 27 Apr 2021 00:23:

Thanks! its great to hear from you

wilnevergiveup wrote on 27 Apr 2021 07:53:

I def hear that. Its just so hard to hear it because you worked so hard to get that spot. So now to feel like your back and square one...