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making the silent battle...not.

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TOPIC: making the silent battle...not. 90279 Views

Re: making the silent battle...not. 20 Feb 2017 14:43 #306261

cordnoy
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So, I am tryin' again.
My first post here this mornin' blew up into cyberspace.
It can be frustratin', especially on mobile, but I took it like a man this time, and I still love GYE and all its quirks.

I spent yesterday, to the chagrin of my family, readin' every single post from Mr. Silent Battle on this amazin' 81 page thread. I read the majority of the other commentors as well. (This was actually the second time I did this, the first bein' when our hero re-appeared several years ago after a long hiatus.) It had me glued to my seat and nothin' could budge me from clickin' next. (Can't there be a way to have an entire thread on one page?) I wrote three pages of notes, questions and comments and I plan on sharin' them someplace.

What makes this thread so special? How did it come about that a young guy (relatively), single (begrudgin'ly), lonely and afraid - will join a rowdy, mussar-entrenched, wild, elderly, drunk, RAGEful (at the time), intelligent, kabbalistic, 12 stepper bunch, stately - and almost immediately become the guy that everyone wants to meet and communicate with? Everyone piles on to his thread to congratulate, commiserate, encourage, critique and advise. He is spewin' his wisdom and insights on the threads of others. He is loved from the East coast to the West Bank and in between in London. How did he become the Alessia Cara of GYE?

IMHO, it is on account of two special qualities: His brutal honesty and his willingness to listen, try and explore (includin' Woodford). Many claim they are outright and truthful. There are those who attempt new steps. Nothin' should be taken away from anyone else, but Mr. SB sr. (and I don't even recall seein' a first name; Dov used to call him flyin' ninja saucer kamikazi) excelled at this, and he was adored.

If he wants, i will share my questions, notes, comments and quotes here.

Wishin' him loads of continued hatzlachah.

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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My job: Punchin' bag of GYE - "NeshamaInCharge"
Quote from the chevra: "Is Cordnoy truly a Treasure Island pirate from the Southern Seas?"

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: making the silent battle...not. 20 Feb 2017 15:41 #306275

unanumun OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 672 Karma: 94	Welcome back! you were missed
	!!!!חזק חזק ונתחזק My Threads: I think I miss the nida times A Journey Without A Name Double Life Syndrome

Re: making the silent battle...not. 21 Feb 2017 04:03 #306350

silentbattle
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Singularity wrote on 20 Feb 2017 08:26:

Wonderful!

How do you feel a second meeting would help?

Honestly? Not 100% sure. I guess it's a higher level of immersion, but really not certain. And if I was making the decision on my own, I probably wouldn't be going for a second meeting. Seriously, there's no time in my schedule for one! But everyone I look up to in terms of my recovery and sobriety has said that a second meeting is a good move for me. Dov, my therapist, my sponsor, other SA members...

So at that point I'd be an idiot not to listen. And I've spent too long doing idiotic things to want to become more of an idiot than I've already been.

Umanumun - thank you for the welcome!

And Cordnoy...wow. Thank you. I don't know how to respond to that. I have trouble with sincere compliments, certainly coming from someone as special as you. I really appreciate your words. Honesty is a trait I value highly, and perhaps that's why this disease is so embarassing. And why letting go if it is so liberating.

I would welcome and appreciate your insights and comments.

Re: making the silent battle...not. 21 Feb 2017 05:30 #306351

cordnoy
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Here are some things I jotted down:

SB SR. wrote: "Fortunately, I was lucky to have a friend who would tell me when I'm acting below myself."

[This is extremely important and a key to success. Many think that friends are for ra-ra, and "go blue go!" That is not the case. Yes, friends should be that as well, but a true friend is one who can tell you when you are out of line. אשריך.]

Your Rebbe found out and you spoke to him. [While you couldn't maintain this closeness (it seems to me) years later, you always knew that he was there for you. At times, the fact that he was busy deterred you from reachin' out. Is that connection still there? Is it a possibility? By the way, my rebbe found out and I spoke to him. Once. The thought of speakin' to him again hardly ever occurred to me. 30+ years later, I reached out again. Was it an earth shatterin' conversation? No, but it sure felt liberatin'.]

To be cont.....

B'hatzlachah

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: making the silent battle...not. 21 Feb 2017 05:33 #306352

cordnoy
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And yes, it's probably a good move to go another time, especially if those you mentioned are givin' that advice.

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: making the silent battle...not. 21 Feb 2017 07:44 #306361

Singularity Current streak: 72 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder To write, or not to write? Posts: 1507 Karma: 78	cordnoy wrote on 21 Feb 2017 05:33: And yes, it's probably a good move to go another time, especially if those you mentioned are givin' that advice. I agree completely. More accountability, I guess. Different experience. And two pitstops in the week instead of one. Hatzlocha. May the sea split for you.
	"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?" "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" One day... At A Time :-D Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley! My Thread

Re: making the silent battle...not. 23 Feb 2017 01:37 #306574

silentbattle
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Singularity wrote on 21 Feb 2017 07:44:

cordnoy wrote on 21 Feb 2017 05:33:

And yes, it's probably a good move to go another time, especially if those you mentioned are givin' that advice.

I agree completely. More accountability, I guess. Different experience. And two pitstops in the week instead of one.

Hatzlocha. May the sea split for you.

Thank you - and all that makes sense. But even without understanding, I'm trying to follow the advice of more experienced, wiser people. Another thing I'm hearing from people is the phrase, "my best thinking got me here." I may be smart, but I have the capacity to do very, VERY stupid things. I cannot rely on my ability to make good choices.

Cordnoy: I actually am not sure which friend I'm referring to in that post. However, I actually did stay in touch with my rebbe, and still stay in touch with him. He's a great guide, and he knows me better than I know myself. He advised that I speak to a therapist who specialized in addiction and let him make the decision of how much of an addict I was - i.e., do I need to go to meetings. And...yep, I'm going to meetings.

Re: making the silent battle...not. 23 Feb 2017 03:06 #306582

cordnoy
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silentbattle wrote on 23 Feb 2017 01:37:

Singularity wrote on 21 Feb 2017 07:44:

cordnoy wrote on 21 Feb 2017 05:33:

And yes, it's probably a good move to go another time, especially if those you mentioned are givin' that advice.

I agree completely. More accountability, I guess. Different experience. And two pitstops in the week instead of one.

Hatzlocha. May the sea split for you.

great to hear.

OnwardI in my notes.

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: making the silent battle...not. 23 Feb 2017 03:16 #306584

cordnoy
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Early on in your saga, I saw at least three or four times that you wrote: I said good bye to past relationships. Seems each time there was another step of biddin' good riddance.

I can appreciate that, for I know how difficult those are. To really say adios to our past is not simple. There is a strong pull to just hold on a smidge. And even when there is a partin' of ways, there still exists somewhat of a crack, whereI a 'hello' can be spoken.

Step after step you had the strength to take it to the next level. This is what the white book talks about, and even more so, in the daily renewal: do you commit to do everything in your power to remain sober for the next twenty-four hours? One who is hidin' a magazine (do they still haveI those?) underneath a mattress cannot respond in the affirmative.

A great lesson learned.

Thank you

B'hatzlachah

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: making the silent battle...not. 24 Feb 2017 05:55 #306699

cordnoy
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SB SR. had a song that he was mechadesh.

CHORUS: Heard you came around here, looking for someone,
Heard you came around here, looking for me,
Well, I hate to tell you that he doesn't live here anymore,
I hate to tell you that's no longer me.

And then he explained: so often, we've grown, and we've really grown past certain habits we have - and yet, the habit can still remain. So we need to remind ourselves that we're not where we were anymore, that's no longer who we are. I'm sorry, sir, but you have the wrong number. So I don't have to deal with...whatever! And this can apply to any unhealthy behavior or issue.

(Several years ago, I wrote a different song with the same kavanah, but this one is holy.)

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: making the silent battle...not. 24 Feb 2017 08:15 #306701

Singularity Current streak: 72 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder To write, or not to write? Posts: 1507 Karma: 78	BH I'm glad this time it's holy.
	"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his sobriety level?" "... It's over NINE-ZEROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" One day... At A Time :-D Introduce Yourself and get a free karma point from yours truley! My Thread

Re: making the silent battle...not. 24 Feb 2017 15:43 #306741

silentbattle Current streak: 1628 days OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 3734 Karma: 15	I don't know if it's holy, but I do like it :-) I'd love to hear your song sometime, if you'd care to share. In other news, still working on finding the time and place to do my first step inventory.

Re: making the silent battle...not. 24 Feb 2017 15:58 #306742

cordnoy
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silentbattle wrote on 24 Feb 2017 15:43:

I don't know if it's holy, but I do like it :-)

I'd love to hear your song sometime, if you'd care to share.

In other news, still working on finding the time and place to do my first step inventory.

It's not my song, but it speaks to me.

OneI of our groups just hung upI readin' and talkin' about step three.

With another this week, we were workin' on step four fear sheets.

Let me know please if you wanted to do a phone share, or perhaps you were referrin' to your meetin's/sponsor.

B'hatzlachah

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: making the silent battle...not. 24 Feb 2017 16:38 #306746

cordnoy
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silentbattle wrote on 24 Feb 2017 15:43:

cordnoy wrote on 07 Aug 2014 05:47:

As I posted seven months ago.....

To whom this may concern (me....the part of me that likes to fantasize, lust and desire; I used to call this the yetzer hara, but then I realized it was me; perhaps afterwards I understood that this is the natural yetzer hara in me, and not the spiritual one),

As advise from Skeptical and Pidaini, I am writing you this letter. This is what I will be telling you when you come knocking again, and I know you will...you @#$%.

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking, I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong
And I grew strong and I learned how to get along

And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sneaky look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me

Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now
Cause you're not welcome anymore
Weren't you the one, who tried to hurt me with your lie?
Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to live, I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live, I've got a family to give
And I'll survive, I will survive, hey, hey

It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart
And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry but now I hold my head up high

And you see me, somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person still infatuated with you
And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free
But now I'm saving all my living for Someone Who's loving me

and that's God...every moment

b'hatzlachah

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: making the silent battle...not. 28 Feb 2017 00:03 #306987

silentbattle
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Interesting way of viewing that son,g especially with those few changes.

I was referring to a 1st step inventory with my sponsor - the problem is finding the time to do it, my schedule is already packed, and I can't do it just anywhere...but sometime during my commute the train is fairly empty...but that's also the time when I do my white book reading (and once I finish that, moving on to the big book and twelve and twelve, all already on my kindle).

SO, still trying to figure it out. Also need to get a notebook to do it in, I think.