lionking wrote on 26 Mar 2018 02:50:

It's pretty much the same as your last loop:

For (i=0, i<100, i++);
{
printf("karma is optional");
}

lifebound wrote on 26 Mar 2018 07:38:

tsk tsk. This is why there's so much confusion

............talk and philosophizing about life and diversions is itself  It's all good and valuable stuff ............. I need to think less and do more.

I don't know yet what I need to do to get out of this state. I don't know what exactly my path to recovery should be. I don't know if this time around will be different. But here are a few things I DO know:

- I can't afford to waste time. I spend too much time agonizing over wasted time, wishing I could roll back the clock, wishing I started years ago. But that just wastes more time, and I don't get anything done.

- This self-pity has to stop. It's stupid, selfish, and accomplishes nothing. Easier said than done, but it's been the main reason why I've wasted these last few weeks. (to that end, I've changed my dripping-in-self-pity thread title from "My sorry state...". My state is definitely not sorrier than many others here. And even if it is a bit sorry, I don't need that hit of self-pity every time I log on...)

- Staying connected is super important. I can't keep isolating every time I feel a bit down. Avoiding everyone is very harmful to myself. Also has the nasty side effect of ignoring people who reach out to me when they need help, which makes me feel very guilty. (That's a selfish reason, I know...but I feel bad knowing maybe I could've helped someone avoid a fall, but was too wrapped up in myself to reply)

- My life as I've known it until now, is over. One way or the other, I cannot spend the rest of my life in this state. As I believe Dov puts it, lust and porn and sex with self is not my problem. It's the solution. My problem is living without those things. If I don't succeed in addressing my issues with living, I'm going to throw it all away and start over. New life. New place. At least that way I won't look back in 20 years and wish I had changed my life in some way, while I had the chance. Knowing that, I have nothing to lose in first trying anything and everything to start living, without throwing it all away. I commit to doing whatever it takes.


If you made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings and for accompanying me on my journey.
And thanks to everyone who's reached out the last few weeks, sorry for not being responsive.

Been a while since I posted on my thread, but I think today warrants an update.

I've had a crazy last few months. I was in freefall, hitting new lows, completely out of control.
About two months ago, God gave me the clarity to comprehend how destructive this path is. I realized my life cannot continue this way. I had two choices: Either I was going to give in to lust, throw away everything else, and let my life run its course to depravity and ruin, or I was going to do whatever it takes to actually start living, no matter how terrifying it is. Thinking and agonizing were getting me nowhere, I had to start DOING.

So I did the unthinkable, contacted Relief and got a recommendation for a therapist. That first session was crazy, a surreal experience. I told him everything, my entire history, my deepest darkest secrets - all the things I swore I would take to the grave. After a couple sessions he told me that we were dealing with a real addiction, and if I was ready I should join SA. You're never really ready I guess, I've never been more petrified of anything in my life. but I had committed to doing whatever it takes. Today was my first SA meeting. All I can say is, it wasn't me that walked up those steps and opened that door, I could not have done that on my own. There's no question in my mind that I got to this point because God allowed me to. It was all Him, granting me courage and prodding me along. This is only the beginning and I pray that He continue allowing me to go down this path, to start living.

And to everyone on here who has given me support, pushed me in the right direction when I needed pushing, and shared their experience, strength and hope - whether it was on my thread, or your other forum posts, or thru chat/text/phone/in-person conversations: I would not be at this point today without you all, thank you.