Thank you for all the clarification, I re-read my last post and realized it was a little blunt, I hope no one was offended or anything...even if I don't agree or feel that it isn't applicable to me, the varied perspectives are super helpful to learn what worked for others, and as a result develop self-awareness and clarity in what works for myself. So keep em coming, and in the words of Hakol, let's still be friends?
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Dear Lifeboound,
No hard feelings taken. We are friends here (as best as we can be in an anonymous forum). Friends give each other advice, but aren't insulted if the recipient does not need it, or does not heed it.
A therapist that I went to a while ago, said to me that all the tools and solutions are inside your [I.e. my] brain, and the the job of the therapist is to help you [me] find them and figure them out. This took me years to actually digest. I'd blame everyone under the sun for my inability to fight the yetzer, but until I said to myself "This is my life, and only I can change it, only I can ruin it and only I can fix it" did things start to improve. Case in point. I would struggle to get up on time for Shacharis. I would daven to Hashem to give me the strength to do so. One time, right after such a tefilah, a voice in my head suddenly said "If you really want to get up, why aren't you setting an alarm clock!?"
I can go to therapy for years (I really only went for a few months), but until I decide to FULLY COMMIT to this fight, to put in the blood, sweat, and tears, and fight with everything I got, I won't win. Once I came to that conclusion, things seem to have gotten easier. I still face challenges daily. I still struggle, and I expect to struggle for a long time, but I am now fully committed to this fight. I don't view it as holding my breath delaying the inevitable, I view it as fighting the battle in front of me now, and not thinking about tomorrow's fight.
All the best to you!