I have been a lust addict for 12 years. Recently I began working the 12 steps with a friend who went through AA. I have been clean for 8 days. I'm having trouble understanding the "unmanageable" clause of the first step. My life has gone through stages of unmanigability, but at this point I feel like my life is relatively manageable (even with the acting out) my main motivator to stop was I want to date and I realized (as well as the shadchan with whom I spoke) that I need to solve this potential problem before dating. By I cannot yet feel the unmangeability. Advice?

First of all WELCOME! Maybe your life is not yet unmanagable. How do you know that you need the 12 steps? Maybe you just need a good, friend, rebbi, therapist...

Welcome,

the 12 steps are not a lie.
they are not there to convince you of anythin'.
if youre life is manageable, then so be it.
solve your 'problem' some other way.
there are many ways.

b'hatzlachah

WELCOME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

Boy can i relate! This is one of the reasons why I'm afraid to start dating, too. How do you manage? How do you know how far along you are for this addiction, and can you enter a Relationship with this problem... i question that all the time.

I can tell you that because of this reason , I've gotten web filters and accountability. Also, staying busy and making a gesture to try and stop (like a donation for every fall helps me). Maybe ppl with more experience will know, but at least if you're trying to stop, then you're doing ok.

For me, the scariest part is right before and after a fall. I'm hoping, for myself at least, that by putting myself in a good situation, it'll be easier to fight when I'm married. Plus, when we're Married, we'll have a healthy outlet when we have an urge.

In the GYE handbook, it says there are different levels of addiction, and i think that's true. Put yourself in a good situation, keep fighting, and when you're ready/ feel ready, talk to a rebbe (or therapist if you need), and it'll help.

May we all merit success in our struggles as we work to grow and serve Hashem.

Quote from the last post
"Plus, when we're Married, we'll have a healthy outlet when we have an urge. "
Take it from the marrieds and they'll all agree with me DONT GO DOWN THAT ROAD OR THINK THAT WAY YOUR WIFE WILL NOT BE YOUR LUST TOY DONT DO IT TO HER OR YOURSELF SHES NOT A "HEALTHY OUTLET" AND SHOULDNT BE AN OUTLET AT ALL FOR YOUR URGES GOING IN TO MARRIGE THAT WAY IS A TICKET TO FRUSTRATED MARRIED LIFE
Now that being said you have to understand that unmanageable could mean when the lust bug hits life at that moment turns unmanigable you fight and win some lose some but are YOU managing your life at that moment . Read it in the context of you should surrender your lust to g-d so he can manage your lust and life for you there by you will end up having your life manageable.

Btw your lucky to work on this before marriage and to semi-quote rabbi twersky MARRIGE isnt a solution to this addiction and many marriages suffer from this so good for you to work on it now and keep it here learn from the chèvre and get chizuk keep posting and kot

guardyoureyesds wrote:
Have you spoken to anyone about it? A rav, mentor, etc.

guardyoureyesds wrote:
All great steps in the right direction.

guardyoureyesds wrote:
I'm not sure what you mean. Sure it's great to "try" to stop, and certainly commendable, but what do you mean "then you're doing ok". Like, if I try to start my car in the morning and it doesn't start, I'm doing ok? It still will not get me where I want to go.

guardyoureyesds wrote:
What is scary about it?

guardyoureyesds wrote:
What do you mean by "putting myself in a good situation"? There is something to be said for "having an outlet", but many of us use it the wrong way, and "use" our wives, and really turn them off. I guess you can't see the balei batim's section yet, but there are examples aplenty there. Suffice it to say, that it can really mess up a marriage.

I hope you don't mind my dissection of your comments. I wish you much hatzlacha on your journey to sobriety and to healthy living!

Not in the slightest. How else do you learn if not critiqued? I appreciate the honest comments.

So, i have spoken to a rav, and that's why i got the whole filter and accountability stuff. I have a few other things to take care of before marriage, though, so that's why i haven't officially started dating yet. They aren't related to anything regarding morality, though. It'll happen, though, marriage . I don't really have a time table or anything, but i really do want to ge married and support a wife and kids some day. Still, I'm afraid of slipping when i get married, terrified actually . "Hit rock bottom while you're still on top, right"? I will not fall, period.

My apologies on the lack of clarity. When i say trying to stop, i mean making a conscious effort to stop. In other words, i mean really pushing yourself to stop.

Being afraid before and after a sin: At least for me, when i fall, there are times where I'm really afraid of falling and it happens anyway. Thinking about that, that could be fear of the situation after i sin. Because, come on, we all know how bad it feels after we fall, especially if we've been on a strong winning streak. Owning up, i guess i fear the consequences more then the sin itself.

Putting myself in a good situation : that means making sure that when i start dating, i walk in knowing I'm protected from smut with an internet filter on my phone and accountability. I've heard that when you start shidduchim, you should be selfish in knowing what you're looking for in a match before you start dating. That way it'll be easier to find a proper match. Well, for me, i want to marry a girl who's comfortable with having a filter on our computer. I don't really care if she has access to the override, though.

Lastly,

I'M speaking out of ignorance here, but how do you balance those desires for your wife and lust? That'll probably have to wait for chasson classes; but still, part of the reason we get married is for having and joining with your wife, right? More then anything, though, i want to support my wife, because you can live without having relations. Still, i hope that all im doing doing now helps me build a kosher home away from bad lust and sin. Because from what you guys are saying , this challenge extends into marriage.

Regarding the right balance between lust and love it isn't gonna be in a classic chosson class, speak to the rabbi who you're speaking to, about this specific challenge. In a nut shell what I've learned about it in real life and what others have wrote imho you should pick someone in your life now , and while dealing with them think and act with ONLY what is good for them in mind. My 2 cents here but really you're lucky to work on it now if I were you I'd do a lot of Shmiras anayim speak to your rabbi and discuss the how to's in getting into recovery, added fringe benefit you might have an easier time dating if you are somewhat better being that you'll be dating for you and not for the man between your legs

guardyoureyesd


Make the focal point of your relationship about being there for her, making sure she feels safe, secure, comfortable and loved. Then you don't have to balance anything.

Yes, balance is a bad word of sorts.
It means that we have lust on one side and love for our wife on the other, and we wanna merge the two.
That is an unhealthy merger, and one that will not end on good terms.
Listen to Skep!

b'hatzlachah

guardyoureyesds wrote:
Having a Rav to speak with is great. Filters/accountability also great. Is this working, or are you still acting out?

guardyoureyesds wrote:
Your comment brought this quote from Dr. Sorotzkin to mind.

Dr. Sorotzkin wrote: