the trick that I have learned (and I know it aint an easy thing to master) is that I do not allow a though or look to fester; it is poison to me. If I see an attractive women in the street, I may look, but I know that the second look will cost me my life. Clicks on the computer....Seeing my wife slightly uncovered....no thought can remain!

It is no easy task, and sometimes I lose out, but that is what works.

And like I was gonna write in two days when I hit 90 for the third time: If I would think about this all day, or if I would think: How can I do this forever? I would surely fail, for I cannot....but guess what...I can do it for right now.

b'hatzlachah

RebYid90 wrote:


That's precisely what makes us way luckier than the Alcohol or Narcotics addict. The reason we fell into addiction is because we don't know how to deal with life. Instead, we deal with it under the influence of; Alcohol, Narcotics, Lust.
If I stay away from my alcohol or narcotics [an easy feat according to you, I'm not biting your head off, just opining that you're wrong], I would still be living life all wrong and feel tortured. Since I cannot stay away from lust [again, only according to you, still not biting your head off] I am forced to learn to live my life properly.

Wow. Regular people aren't forced to live their life properly. Regular addicts aren't forced to live their lives properly! Only us sickos are forced into it! Isn't that Gevaldigggggggggggggg?

Breath. Relax. You are doing incredible!

KOTTTT!!

25 days clean, so says my calender. more close calls today. like very close calls, w/o getting graphic, but still clean to the letter of the law.

its weird. its like life is flipping on me all the sudden. usually its the feeling of while everything is good, something deep down bad holds me back from being happy.
now, kinda of, sort of, while there r things that are not that great right now, the fact that i keep fighting it of time after time, even though its with the skin of my chin, i do it. and that has planted it self deep within me , forcing me to almost forget, (not really but kind of) about the bad. I'm not even sure if its real, but its something

even my usual argument about " well you didn't do anything, you are just the victim of causality" doesn't get me down. not to say i fully get it. i recognize that god is helping me out big time, but at the same time i know i'm the one with free will,so i made the choice not to fall. but then if that's true, why has it taken so long to put up a decent fight? what changed form now to before? and what ever the answer to THAT question is would debunk the theory that I'm doing anything, because free will means that i chose regardless of outside circumstances. so if something has changed from then till now it would in fact be that variable that would be the cause of the change, not me. kind of a catch 21 i always get stuck in my head(its hurting my brain too, not just yours) free will really throws a wrench into any logical explanation of anything, really. and if i cant understand why i do something or why something happens, how can make a plan for the future? how can i play a game i don't fully understand?

This is usually the part i just get depressed about not understanding it,but honestly there is this little part of me pushing me not to care and to just go on, regardless if it makes sense, which bothers me but doesn't change it. its weird , i don't know.

now before all of u jump in and say "stop thinking so much! who cares why? your doing so great stop thinking about why and just go with it, period!" that's not so simple for so many reasons i cant begin to go into. the honest truth is that i like to believe i do things consciously, and those things that i DON'T do for conscious reason (acting out, anything harmful,being lazy,ect) I'm not proud of. yes , logically it makes no sense that I act out, and the only explanation is that it is filling some void in my life, giving me some fake comfort. but im not proud of it, and do desire to change.

But if i am doing something good, like not acting out, being nice to people, learning, davening, its hard for me to feel good about it; to just say I'm doing it for the pure sake of goodness . I'm nice to people because it makes me feel good, makes me feel special and useful. i do mitsvos because i want reward and want to be in a relationship with god. every good deed i do can be trance to a cause, to some sort of motivation towards that action.
but in a case where past experiences has shown i am willing to forgo good for bad; to act out in spite of the logical reason not to do so, why all the sudden would i stop doing that? that is what i get hung up on. i knew it was wrong to masturbate when i was 16, yet i still did it 3 times a day. i knew it was wrong to watch porn a month ago, yet i still did it.
if i was watching my life on a screen, every time i am about to fall, i would easily bet money on the odds that i would fall. yet these past couple of days i did.why is it different now?
as I'm writing this i feel more and more guilty. like anything I've done in this world is nothing but the help of a god who has charged me with doing these tasks. its like your boss asking you to do something and then when he sees you having trouble with it, give you a hand. all it does is embarrass you, showing you that you could t do what was asked of you all along.

obviously i know this is not the right approach, but its the way i feel sometimes. ik where suppose to "let go" and "let god", but then what are we? maybe i DO just have to get over this obsession of understanding everything, but in the meantime its hard. its not enough for me to just throw in the towel, but its enough to bother me.

anyhow, im still in the game, so lets go for one more clean day.

(o and PS. what i said about the whole alcohol being easier bc you can get a way from it, not exactly what i meant. all i was trying to say was that one could technically remove himself entirely from the possibility of falling to drugs of alcohol by staying far away form it.I cant stay away form my mind and all the constant fantasies i have running through it.
i don't need porn to stimulate me unfortunately)

RebYid90 wrote:
I liked this part of your post

I got a headache just LOOKING at your post. I think all of us have made all these cheshboinos [and more]. I know you said we shouldn't say stop thinking because you're special and deserve to be allowed to think.
We're all just as special and just as sick. That's all I can say.

welll i made it a month. while im not totaly broken over this fall, im not feeling overly confident in my future ability to fight it. if i can only do a month now, why would i be able to do better in the future. this fall has shwon me that anything can be a trigger. yes i broke through my filter to get porn, but it was not the initial trigger, just me wanting to do it faster. honestly if i would not of broken through i owuld of probibly done it w/o porn; it just would of taken longer. it like i just want to get it over with so the urge goes away. i thought i might just bing tonight after i fell, but being here now i dnt want to. and i wont.
IK IK ITS ONE DAY AT A TIME BUT I CANT SEEM TO GET THE HOWL IGNORING THE REST OF MY LIFE PART. i get a good streak going then the pressure of keeping it going sets in. then i realise i just have to beat it, not "hold my breath" as dov would say.

idk i cant think now. so ill spare u from some long tirade about philosophy or w/e i babble about


well, im just gona update my chart with the fall and go to sleep. hopefully i ll wake up tommorow. gn

reb yid,

first of all i feel bad that you fell, but as we see here all the time we have what to learn from each fall, yes if it is possible to go for a month then you can for sure go for 2 or till 120, we learn more about ourselves and get stronger be"h,

about the one day at a time thing i agree its not easy but its the best way(maybe the only) to stay clean(sober, some are sensitive to that word),

kol tov, and KOT!!

gut yom tov!!!

i dont have a plan
the tracks have run out and the train is being forced to a premature halt due to lack of forward motion.
to say i have hit rock bottom would be a misnomer because i while i don't see an end to this, that mere fact alone has not given me the motivation i need to stop.
i don't like that fact. it does not comfort me the way that sometimes one is comforted in the face of the realization that there is nothing to be done in a given situation. it just a fact i must swallow. im suppose to e doing something, but either am to weak or unacknowledged of what to do. going on day after day failing will not cut it anymore. i cant just live hoping it will be better later. that tomorrow will be a better day, living on some lame prayer of a dream.
there is nothing to do and yet something must be done. if a person is told C"V that he has cancer, he has to learn to deal with it. if a person has been told that if he doesnt loose wait, he will die, then he has 2 choices, loose wait or die. something xan be done. it seems we have the worst of both worlds. we are shoved into this hellhole of a life, told we are sick and broken, and then are told to crawl are way out of it. it doesnt work, it doesnt make sense. there are no one liners, no platitudes to be said. all there is is being told to "kot" talk to god and hope for the best. well to be honest i dnt want to. i hate my self every second of the day, and have no way of tllking my self out of it. no1 is going to have a logical rational conversation that will lead me to liking my self. and to be honest, i dont always hate my self, just way more then any1 should have to. i love other people, i adore other people. why shouldt i love my self the same way? well the simple answer to that is because i see first hand what i do, all the bad i do. all the laziness, apathy towards others, the hate, jealasy, and cruelty i do towards others. lifes about perspective, and knowing all the bad stuff u do leads to a negative perspective.


ive surmised enough from this world that this world is not about beating anything or being defeated. we cant be defeated unless we give up. there is no win or loose. there is only doing and quitting. so no, im not quitting, but as every psychology book says, emotion is the catalyst for action. we feel then we act. i feel like !@#$ right now, and i dont know wat the following action will be. as of now its not quitting but who knows wat will be.

Sorry to hear.
Don't really know you or your situation.
all I have is one-liners.
Sorry again.
By me, life was unmanageable, so I needed to change.
Do not think of it though as a lifelong change.
That scares us away and shows that we cannot do it.
so the one-liner is: Change for today; for right now.
It is much easier.
you don't need to do much for it.
this second make the right decision.
For you, it sounds like several decisions.
Perhaps # 1...decide that you are worth it.
You, at the present moment, are damn worth it!
Decide that you will do (for right now) what you should do.
Decide (for right now) that you will not do (for the present moment) what you should not do.

b'hatzlachah
May God be with you.

hi reb yid!!!

you sound miserable i feel really bad that your going through this,

but remember it depends on what you make of it this may be for your good if you act correctly about it,

sorry for saying this again but talk to hashem and if you can't read to him the post you just wrote or tell him that you can't talk to him but you would really want to,

remember it aint over till its over, so KOT big time as if you never tried before!!!

keep us posted!!!

RebYid,

I PM'ed you.

RebYid90 wrote:


I still never really know what to say to you Reb Yid. I feel for you. I do always wonder if your posts are a true reflection of what's really going on with you. I can't tell, I've never met you.

In any case I just want to come in on the quoted bit here. I'm not sure what psychology books you read but in the ones I've read, and in the White Book, and in mesilas yeshorim among other seforim, and in my experience, we act and then we feel. Feelings follow actions, not the other way round. If I knew you better I might recommend you read any book by Tony Robbins for more information.

While I'm posting, can I also ask you about the quote in your signature - "the more you hurt the more you heal". Where does that come from? Is that a mindset you'd like to hang on to? When does the hurting end and the healing begin?

feeling better.

its been a real horrible couple of weeks to be honest. pesach was terrible, could not stop thinking about my father not being here, fighting with my family, and falling all over the place didnt help. and when i though that getting back to yeshiva would make it better, when it didnt i just lost it for a sec. but im 2 days clean now and im starting to level out.


its weird. i feel like i use this forum as my diary, just vomiting my emotions all over the screen, no thought as to how I'm writing it or how it will affect the readers. like ill write something and look back at it and be stunned how it looks after the fact.

im not apologizing or even rationalizing it. im just talking

As to Dr Watson, A: i think we are both right. emotions to lead to action. when we are happy we dance, sad cry, angry break stuff. but also the way we act does effect the way we feel. i wouldnt read to much into what i said, i wasnt doing to hot when i said it.

as to the quote, its a lyric from a song i listened to a while ago (not jewish). what does it mean? idk . have to ask the lead singer of the band. what does it mean to me? its a hopeful prospect. id like to think that the amount of pain we feel and go thourgh is equal to the amount of healing we will go through, hopefully. its a very hopeful quote to me, in a funny way. like it can only get better from here on , right?

anywho, trying to hang in there. hope u all r doing good

reb yid,

its good to hear you in a more upbeat mode!!!

its great you use this as your diary so KUTGW!!!