I hope it's okay if I'm a bit of a jerk here. We needed someone to fill in one day for a shiur and someone suggested a particular guy. I happen to know that guy is an active sex addict. I do feel bad to have said no based on that. I mean there are plenty of guys giving shiuring who are not practicing what they preach and I don't know what they do in their private lives. This happened to be a mussar shiur. To be honest I thought I might get nauseas hearing him give a mussar shiur when I know what hes's doing in secret. Is that fair of me? Probably not but I politely declined. Just so we are clear before I continue I was that guy at one time. I was living a double life and it was eating me alive. Therefore I feel it's okay for me to say this. Why do you/we/this guy think it's okay to give people a shiur and put ourselves out to be something we are not. And of course it goes way beyond this. We lie to our wives, our children, our friends and to the people we are giving shiur to. I know that I'm way to grumpy and lack the necessary patience to comment in this forum, so I try to avoid it. I happened to have been subscribed to this thread so I check in once and awhile. So apologies for my negativity. 

Your post hits me in the gut, but what choice did I have? Most of the time I avoided internet speeches, but several times I even did those.

I mostly included myself in all the wrongdoin's of the klal, but nobody really believed me.

Bottom line, I don't look backwards; I hardly look forward.

I guess you're right that is my own short coming. I mean I never believed the guys when they included themselves in the shortcomings. I do believe them now though. It's kind of the opposite for me now. The more someone preaches against or about something, I suspect them to be guilty of it. Especially the guys who scream about the aveiros of klall Yisroel. Those guys I suspect are the worse offenders. 

I think that your concerns were totally valid and I can't imagine I would have felt or acted differently than you in that situation. 

serenity wrote on 02 Apr 2017 03:01:

II never said it is your shortcomin'.

I read this whole thread over the past day.
Its a great thread.
StrugglingDude pops in every couple of months to get more change for the merry-go-round meanwhile the deepest and most relevant and important discussions on the forum happen while hes going round and round.
One of the reasons it could happen here, in this thread, is because StrugglingMan is a classic example of an addict - and B"H this thread is eventually going to be a magnum opus of recovery.
All StrugglingPerson needs to do now is find his own rock bottom - its looming in the hazy distance, just beyond his grasp.. so near yet so far.
He didn't yet truly grasp the meanings of the words, but he is so so close.
Around the middle of the third page the true significance of the discussions show such clarity of relevance to his journey.
StrugglingGuy have you had a chance to read this thread from the start since you started it? Its an amazing thread.
You don't have to stay StrugglingForever, you can change your name to ManWhoUsedToStruggle...
If you really want to.
I hope i didn't offend with the way I posted this.

Thank you for your thoughts. 

Grow Strong -- I do know I am an addict which is why I went back to my 12 step meeting last Sunday. I missed today, though. (I think that is your point, no? - namely, that I do not realize I am an addict. But I do.)

I know that I need to speak more with people from gye and my 12 step group. I know I need to read more. 

been 1.5 months since I have been on gye 
Had gone two weeks clean a few days ago but since then - two falls.
reached out to some gye people...
i feel like a failed a test. i was minding my own business in my room when suddenly my phone was plugged in beside me. of course I had to reach for it and the rest was history. it was probably a nisayon and I failed. 
so back to the drawing board. i will now do some gye reading.

It shows great strength that you posted. Keep reaching out and staying connected. Do you have a good filter on the phone?

serenity wrote on 02 Apr 2017 02:24:

Why do you/we/this guy think it's okay to give people a shiur and put ourselves out to be something we are not.

i copied that because i really don't know how to do this quote thingy. now i respectfully disagree and i know everyone will disagree with me but too bad. i believe myself to be a true yarei shamayim i believe in Hashem and i definitely have yiras haoinesh (which is part of my problem and accoding to my therapist its why i suffer from anxiety). all this had me very confused until recently i joined SA and learned that there is a degree of no control (SEE MY THREAD BELOW) (i also heard that we have no control besheim r' tzadok). it happens to be that once we do act out we lose our yias shamayim that's a fact its because of klippos and stuff like that. but i can honestly preach about the importance of yrias shamayim etc. because i  understand and believe in it. even if sometimes my emotions (read: klippos) are telling me otherwise

mikestruggling wrote on 06 Jun 2017 10:10:

Ask your rebbe and tell us what he says.

I recently got the Big Book and started working with a 12 steps sponsor, but we broke up bec. he basically said he only works with people that are "drowning" and who will do everything - including traveling across country to work the steps with him. I told him I am not at that stage.
anyway, I do think I am an addict and I would like to work the steps with a sponsor. If anyone knows of someone that is "Matim" for me, please let me know. 

If you want, you can email me: dms1234ongye@gmail.com

I work the 12 steps with a sponsor using the big book