@sonoftheking
I appreciate the warm words of Chizuk you offer me, but they dont talk to me. It might be true that all the hard trials are intrinsically good, but for me that is irrelevant! I think in terms what I have to do and what I must not do, if I have to sit and suffer for weeks on end in order to heal then I will do it even if it God ordained it out of hatred, not out of love, Chas VeSholom.
I am doing it to heal, not because I believe that the pain itself is there to benefit us. I do believe it, but that is not here nor there. I do not give myself Chizuk by telling myself that even my mistakes are Bashert, that I do not believe. I truly believe that I probably have done actions that made my situation worse then it would have been and God didnt especially want me to suffer all this pain but it I brought it upon myself through my own actions.
I am very OK with accepting that I am to blame for my situation, I see no need to make myself feel better by using the Bashert theory. Maybe for other people this works, but for me it doesnt and it is not needed.
Thank you anyway!