Dear everyone,

I have removed the details as they are no longer necessary and for privacy reasons

With all my heart,

At the end of my tether!!

Hello Endof, welcome to the forum. You're in the right place for help and support. It's great that you're here and you want to be better, that itself is a great step.

I don't know anything about therapy and I can't really advise you, but i do identify with a lot of what you said. I used to have thoughts that i want to take my clothes off in front of women. I had forgotten about that but reading it here woke that memory up. I think that the more you give in to urges the more urges come, not always the same urges. For instance, watching porn makes the urges to masturbate stronger, and vice versa, and both will make the urge to see women in the street stronger. Lack of shemiras einayim can result in fantasies and make the urge to act out stronger. Is it possible that masturbating and porn watching is feeding this urge of your to take off clothes?

I think porn, masturbation, fantasies, lack of shmiras eiynayim and acting out are all basically the same thing, they are giving in to lust. Giving in to lust in any of its forms will just make the lust stronger. You may see one form of the lust as more of a problem than another, but it's all lust really and doing one makes it harder to stop the other.

You're saying that you're not so bothered by the porn and the masturbation, you're only bothered by the constant sexual fantasies and acting out. I'm suggesting that it's really the other way round. The porn and masturbation is making you act out and fantasise. Have you ever gone a while without porn or masturbation? If so how did it feel? If not, are you willing to try it?

I'm not saying this instead of therapy, I really have no idea about therapy. Maybe you do have issues with your father that need to be worked out. But i think you can work on this on more than one level.

I hope I've helped.

Thanks Doc,

It could be what your are saying is correct, that my fantasies live of my masturbation habbit. Its always good to know you arent crazy with your fantasies!

But what is wierd is that I often I just want the soft cute, good looking girls so badly and I feel kind of lovesick after looking for a while, and I dont have an urge to masturbate. Rather, I get kind of depressed and lonely that I havent got access to that cute, loving girl when I see that all other girls are allowed to talk to her.

I suspect that it is to do with my need to feel loved closely and I as a kid I found girls much less threatening then boys.

But I am looking at the 12 step thing!

Urges don't always come immediately after the trigger. Plus, it could be that the sadness you feel that you can't be with the girl you saw is what triggers you to watch porn. I've had that trigger many many times.

I wanted to ask though, does your wife know about any of this? Do you think it affects your relationship? Do you find your wife attractive?

WELCOME! We are all in the same boat. I don't think analyzing your specific behaviors is that critical. The question is "are you out of control"? From what you describe, you seem to be.

On the question of what steps to take. You say you are reading the handbook. Great. It has levels. Start implementing some of the ideas. If they don't help, raise the "dosage".

You may want to call in to one of the anonymous 12 step phone conferences and see if they are for you (Click "phone conferences" under the "tools" tab). You may need live meetings. I don't know. The only way to find out is to try and see what works for you.

There are many people here with problems at least as severe as yours who are living sober today. It is possible.

Welcome to the GYE family! You will find your way Bezras Hashem.

Doc, My wife knows nothing, she just thinks I am a girl crazy boy but she thinks its normal.

Probably does affect relationshop, but I find her extremely attractive. Nevertheless, it isnt the same as seeing a random girl in a shop.

Why do you ask?

endofmytether,

You say that you think you need to feel loved.

It's time for us to grow up and love ourselves.

You have kids. Do you give them everything they want whenever they want it? Chances are you don't.

Don't you love them? You probably love them beyond words.

Then why don't you give them whatever they want whenever they want it? Because you love them, you realize that everything they want is not necessarily good for them, and therefore, you don't allow them it.

By the same measure, show yourself some love.

Don't depend on others for love. Start with loving yourself.

Hey there, brother!! Welcome!!

Yes, start with reading the handbook, it's a great thing. and look around here, there is soooo much to learn about ourselves. How we are sick, and how it damages our relationships with our wives, even though we don't notice it (and even if she doesn't know anything about the problem!).

Learn about life, REAL life, living in the moment.

Live and learn, but more importantly learn to LIVE !!

Stay aboard, stick around, we're all together in this!!

@skeptical,

you are right, I would love to be able to fill up this hole that I have, it is wierd because I am generally a very happy person, this hole inside me is deeper then I can access normally, it is only there when I spy a certain type of girl.

How can I love myself properly, deeply? I presume therapy is needed for that??

@Gibbor120 I just dont want to work hard and then get told in a year, nah, you need some real therapy.

Because every time I try and fail my self esteem gets knocked even lower on this issue, so I want to kick off the right way. If I am going to need to see a therapist, I would rather do it straight away.

Is there a percentage of lust addicts who need to see therapists?

of course some need therapists. Some are good some are bad. Some need 12 steps.

You need to commit to do WHATEVER it takes. If you want to get a professional opinion, go to a therapist.

I don't think the tools are mutually exclusive. Some people see therapists, attend 12 step groups etc.

You can get ideas from people, but YOU have to ultimately decide what you are going to do. No one else can make that decision for you.

We need to ask ourselves, "What do I want? Is it really good for me?"

If it's not good for us, we can't allow ourselves to do it. We may want to because it feels nice or whatever, but we don't allow our kids to do things that aren't good for them just because it may feel good. We love them and sometimes have to put our foot down and say no.

That is true love. The love you're looking for from those girls does not exist.

Therapy probably isn't a bad idea. Why not look into it?

@gibbor120, I am uninformed to make a decision. But it sounds like therapy is a good idea!

@skepitcal because it will be complicated. Not telling my wife where I am going, expensive, perhaps unneeded.

If I can get away with the phone calls, shouldnt I just do that?

On the other hand, I want the best long term solution so perhaps therapy is the best solution, does anyone know of a good sex therapist in Jerusalem?

I don't think you need a "sex therapist." You just need to talk things out with a therapist. It's not really about the sex. It's about you and how you relate to yourself- everything else is tied into that.