My Dear friends

I really need your help, this is an emergency.

I have been around here since June 2012.
I'm in my mid-thirties, married with kids. I have been (and still) a hard core addict for many years.
Last year when I joined this wonderful community, I was able with the help of god and his dear messengers ‘Guradyoureyes’ and the wonderful people here to begin a new life. I was clean for 9 months; I joined the support groups over the phone and practiced the 12 steps. My whole life has been changed, spiritually, mentally, and even physically.
Until I fell back about five months ago, I’m sinking deeper and deeper into hell, yea, its hell in all terms. I can't get up again as I did it before. I can't even make the first step; I don't know what happened to me.

My fellow friends, I need your support – PLEASE HELP ME

Hi chaim,

I'm sorry to hear this, but you are not alone. I have seen a lot of people go a long time without falling and then go back to how things were. It's quite common.

I'm not sure what to advise, having never gone nearly that long without porn. I'm just wondering, you say you can't get up again like last time, why is that? What's different this time to last time? Did you develop any strategies last time that could work again?

The only advice I can offer is to keep posting, it really helps.

Can you identify anything that changed between last time and this time?

Have you had any personal situations come up that might have triggered it (you don't have to answer that here - just think about it)?

How's your relationship with your wife? Is it different now? Better / worse?

What did you do when you started your 9 month clean streak? Why can't you do that again now?

I'm asking lots of questions just to get you thinking. Try to identify what is different now.

As for me, I've only been clean for 18 days but in the past, I've stopped for as long as 4 months. What I hope will be different this time around is that my entire outlook on marriage and the intimate relationship has changed for the better. GYE helped with that immensely. I was totally ignorant. I had no idea, not a clue, about how I SHOULD be acting as a husband and as a lover, towards my wife.

Every time I get the urge (I've had some the past 3 weeks, buy they were mild), I think about the goal - the loving relationship I want to restore between me and my wife, I think about the progress we've ALREADY MADE in a short time, and I think about whether I really want to destroy any progress I've made.

I honestly believe that Hashem has shown me some immediate improvement, to whet my appetite, to show me Coming Attractions for what is yet to come, if I continue to clean up act (that means both staying off the porn, masturbation, and lust, as well re-engineering the way I deal with my wife). When I think about that, I don't even want to go back to porn and all the stuff that comes with it.

I don't mean to make this thread about me. I just want to share what I've gone through in only 3 weeks, and hope you can take some chizuk from it.

Open up with as much detail as you're comfortable with. You'll get encouragement and advice to help you start again, and outdo your previous clean streak.

Also, if you haven't already, watch or listen to the Aryeh Pamensky shiurim. He is fantastic, and I learned a lot from it. I found a 90 minute class on YouTube that he gave in England. I can send a link if you want it.

Just stick around here, and post. Post your ups and your downs, and you'll get the encouragement you need. You're in the right place.

Hatzlacha!

WOW!! The honesty is astounding!!! You were here, one of the big guys, you fell, you abviously feel terrible, yet you come and tell us honestly that you could use help again!!! that's amazing!!!

I think you know already that the first thing to do is calm down, there have been many in your place and have gotten better. After that I'm sure you'll be able to go right back into the spiritual climb.

Welcome back chaim11! Did you go to live meetings, or work the 12 steps yourself, or with a phone group. Does your wife know about your addiction (i don't remember if you said)?

Do you have anyone you can talk to on the phone or in real life?

i would like to second that. for me after the fall i need to take the deep breath . what do you mean you cant take the 1st step? you cant admit powerlessness?m

Welcome Chaim11,
you already got some really good advice from guys here.
if what you have been doing until now is not working, maybe you need some stronger medicine. something more real. meet real people. use your real name. get people to call when things start heading downhill (and when things are just dandy too, fair weather and foul weather). a rav, a mentor, someone who knows you and you can talk to. the phone conferences are great but maybe you need something more.
stick around and keep posting
wishing you hatzlocha
hope things improve soon

welcome
and I echo what chullentking said

I (we) have learned new things about marriage, which helps in the other stuff

I was clean for sixty days; then had a massive fall

the next day I joined here and been good for 45 days onward.

rabbi pamensky's shiurim are great
who has that link from England?
would love to hear that as well

thanks so much

keep posting

bhatzlachah

Here's a class Rabbi Pamensky gave in England.
If me and the wife can find 90 minutes of time (very difficult), I'd like to watch this with her.

Enjoy.

I don't have much to add but I'm here (and of course the whole gye) for you if you need me and I'm sure you'll be able to get back on your feet.

I CAN'T TAKE MY FIRST STEP, I mean I can't even quit for six hours. more then that; I even lost my will to quit.
I took a deep breath as well, way too deep, already fve months..

Hello my dear friends.

Thank you so much for your advice, support and encouregement, everyone in his way.
Let me tell you more details about my addiction history
I have been an addict since I’m 16 years old. I was considered to be a ‘chosheve yingerman’ in my community. However I got caught in this trap in Yeshive. I thought after marriage the problem will get solved (as many of us thought), I was quitting for about 6 months and oppps, I was back there.
When I went out working in office and traveling around, my addiction escalated, I always surprised myself how low I could go… and the Frequency of the acts increased as well. I became so addicted; it came to a point, where I neglected my family and the job so severely. My whole 24 hours were dedicated to one single thought; where I can get my next fix.
Last year summer, I have realized that I’m going to die if I don’t quit it. I know there is no way I’m able to quit lust on my own, (I knew the first step from experience) I went to see a therapist which referred me to this site.
I start ‘fighting’ with lust then, just by reading the daily chizuk emails and applying the Taphsic method, which worked for three months. After that period I fell, and I have realized that fighting it will not work. I then joined a phone group and started practicing the 12 steps with the group. I also found a partner, we spoke three times a week, studied the big book and practiced together the steps. The next 5 months, I can say was the ‘Golden Age’ of my life so far. I was free of lust. I became much closer to my wife and kids and to my friends. I felt like redemption ‘Yetzias Mitzrayim’. I started learning seriously the first time since my yeshiva days, and I really enjoyed it, I was enjoying the davening as well, pure paradise, oy bashefer!
At one point, Things in my business became very complicated; I was distressed and little depressed and couldn’t concentrate on working the steps. It was then that this sick craving for lust came back, slowly slowly he crawled back and penetrates my heart and mind, and before I have realized what going on I found myself deep in the ditch…
Since then, already almost five months, I can’t even make any step toward recovery. I can’t even stay clean for one day, just one single day. I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t have a that strong will to quit it. But I badly want to have this will…

Now I’ll try to answer your questions to the point.
1.I don’t know why I cant start it again as I did it before
2.Relations with my wife are wonderful. Thanks to her golden precious personality
3.My wife knows about my addiction in general. I don’t update her specifically about my ups and downs. She knows I’m working on it and gives me my space.
4.I can talk to my friends in recovery. In real life not really

1. Well I can see right away why you could do it a year ago and not now from what you wrote.

When you describe how much you want to quit now you say ''I don’t have that strong will to quit it. But I badly want to have this will…'' I understand what you're saying. You realise how porn is harming you and you remember how amazing your life was when you were free from it, but your will is slightly detached, an intellectual knowledge, not a a strong feeling.

When you describe how much you wanted to quit a year ago you say ''Last year summer, I have realized that I’m going to die if I don’t quit it'' It's not hard to see how that mindset would help you quit. When it's life or death it's easy to quit. when it's something you want, would be nice etc, it's much harder.

Do you still feel like you'll die if you don't quit?

A story in the gemoroh springs to mind. I can't remember details but I'm sure the talmidei chachomim here can fill them in. There was a man, a rosho, who 'acted out' with every zoneh in the world. There wasn't one he missed out. So much so that when he heard of a beautiful zoneh on the other side of the world, he set out to meet her. Now that's commitment to a cause, right? She told him he could never do teshuvah and he decided he wanted to change. He knew he needed to change, but it was an intellectual thought that he should, it wasn't enough to motivate him to do anything for himself. So he asked the mountains and oceans and heavens and everything else he could find to do it for him and they all refused. And when he had been turned away enough times something changed inside him. He felt it. He felt how much he wanted to change, how much he needed to change and he felt it deeply in his heart. Only then did he act for himself. He started to cry. And cry and cry and cry and do teshuvah like no-one had ever done teshuvah before. When he had decided that it was life or death for him and he acted, his teshuva was accepted and he went straight to shomayim.

Can I ask you, what is your motivation for quitting? Why do you want to quit? What do you stand to gain from it?

R' Elazar BEN DURDAYA!!!

Pidaini wrote:


Thank you, I knew it wouldn't take a talmid chochom long.