And thank you again

Sorry if this is posted twice
Trouble with my connection (not my zivug)
Definitely Please continue 2 points are crucial

One that after 6 months, one can still fall How careful we must be How strong we must be And even afterwards, you get up and start again

Second, is about telling wife I hear your story Seems she knew somewhat thruout

My situation I'm not sure 20+ yrs of. Marriage She doesn't really know

How can I just tell her?

Thanks Skept for the history,

It is very important, especially the fact that one must make a actual commitment to stop. You can see and hear information but until you actually internalize it, and let it in, it won't help.

Cordnoy,

I have been told to make sure that my wife doesn't find out!! i know how frustrating it is to hide it from her, especially the fact that i am actually getting better, but the gamble that she might not be able to accept it, is too big.

On the other hand, One guy just wrote here (I think it was Roundabout, correct me if i am mistaken) that his therapist told him to tell his wife about his masturbation problems. He happened to tell his wife about the porn problem as well, and he has a TZADEIKES who is extremely supportive.

I think Skept or gibbor120 once wrote that his told him that she would never had asked for such a nisayon but, yes, now they are closer because of it.

Best is to ask a Rav or someone you trust who may have experience.

Hatzlacha Rabbah

Pidiani
Thank you so much
As of now, I will not be telling her
I need to get much better first
Our marriage is fairly good, but issues in house cause her to be somewhat fragile.
This will tip her.
It is way too risky.

There have been 3 or 4 times that she caught me with silly things (bH) but never a biggie.
Some here will say she suspects or knows
I don't think so

Hopefully, you guys and others and myself (as she just walked by) will get me better completely, and then we can talk about past.

Thank you so much

Cordnoy,
It's not that she suspects or knows. It's that she feels the lack of connection to you because you're
1) connecting sexually with other women, and
2) not using the physical relations to connect with her, but rather to get high on lust.

I agree that you should not tell her until you are well into recovery.

Skeptical,
Thanks for sharing your thread. I don't mean to let it get hijacked by other people's issues. You're doing admirable work!

Alex

Alex
Thank you

Like I said before, I do not believe that the bulk of our intimacy problems have to do with my addiction.
That being said, I am approaching it as if it would be anyway.

My wife zulgezuntzein has trouble being too intimate for most of our marriage
She and I will be working on it together

We are working on it now

The last 3 days we were together I was completely focused on her, not on me, and she appreciated it

Keep up the advice

Skeptical, you are a source of inspiration to us all

Thanks and keep it up

Skeps, please do continue. i enjoy all your posts, you write well and have great ideas and add a lot to the forum.

AlexEliezer


The reason I am sharing my experience here is to help others. If someone has a question and it gets answered satisfactorily here, I am more than happy.

cordnoy


The temptations will always be there, probably as long as we live. We can put them to sleep, but if we expose ourselves to them, they will awaken full force. In the event that we do fall, it is extremely important not to get depressed about. Depression (Atzvus) is a tool of the YH to get us to fall further and harder, and must be avoided. -Tanya

cordnoy


My wife has known for several years because she caught me. Women take this kind of thing really personally and get extremely hurt from the feeling that they are not enough for us, whether or not this is actually the case.

My feeling is that if one's wife doesn't know, it's not a good idea to tell her. It is not worth the pain and hurt they would go through.

I actually asked my wife this question recently (I wanted to know whether my advice to someone on here that he shouldn't tell was the right advice). At first, she said that his wife should be told. When I told her my thoughts on the matter, she changed her mind and agreed. However, she added that if one's wife were to find out and bring it up, he should be completely honest about it.

cordnoy


I don't think it's possible for a guy to be involved in porn and masturbation without his wife feeling any lack of something. We've spent a whole lot of time on it, time that wasn't spent giving attention to our wife and our kids. It usually has an effect on our moods which also carries over to how we deal with them. When we are with them, we are usually not really there as our minds, are on the fantasies that await us. As well, we have limited energy in that area. If we use it on others, we don't have much left for our wives.

When I first decided to stop, I didn't tell anyone. I kept it from my wife the same way I hid the porn. Within 2 weeks, she saw and felt the difference and she commented on it. They feel the effects, don't trick yourself into thinking they don't.

kol hakavod for not falling on gimmel tamuz. i fell one year on yud tes kislev after a farbrengen. i seem to have a harder time on special days. maybe its cause i focus on the struggle not concentrate on the day

There were a few things motivating me to get out of the shmutz, at least temporarily.
1. I felt that I was at an all time low.
2. I had a pending business deal that I was hoping would go through and I thought that maybe stopping would be a z'chus.
3. Even though my wife had for the most part backed off my case, we still had shalom bayis issues and I wanted to experiment to see if stopping would help.
4. Sometimes you just get a feeling, a push from Above to do something. In chassidus, this is called an Isarusa d'le'eilah, an awakening from Above.

The 90 day count is something I've always been skeptical about. It kind of makes it seem like all you need to do is stay clean for 90 days and you're fixed, habit broken. Now I kind of see it as motivation to get momentum going, but I've known from previous times being clean (sometimes for 3 months) that you can't get complacent and tell yourself that you have it beat, because that's very likely when the fall occurs and then it's difficult to get back out of it.

I decided I wasn't telling anyone anything and I wasn't counting. I still wasn't posting anything on the forum. I was however on chat on gye and once in a while someone would send me a message asking me how I was doing. I kept it pretty vague. If asked if I was sober, I would say something like, "At the moment I am." For the record, I did have an email from the day after I stopped from someone who was asking where I was. I ignored that email, didn't reply, but whenever someone on here would ask me how many days clean I was, I would reference the date of that email and do the calculations. A short time later, I deleted that email and put a note in its place.

I was pretty busy working and running around that first week and a half or so, so it wasn't very difficult to stay clean. Then boruch Hashem, the business deal I had been working on fell through. The little nagging thoughts started entering my mind, but I dismissed them. It's a good feeling being clean, plus, I had to work on my shalom bayis. I told myself that I would hold off a few more days and see if it would have any effect. So I stayed clean and then one night, a day before the date I had told myself, I was driving in the car with my wife and she turned to me and told me that she didn't know what I was doing, but she felt major improvements between the two of us, I was more attentive and caring. This was all the encouragement I needed. When the temptations came back the next morning, I laughed them away. I was much much happier being clean, my wife was happier, there was no way I was giving in.

A month after I stopped, I was logged into GYE and someone else was on. We began chatting. We shared our stories with each other and suddenly I found myself giving him chizzuk. By the end of the chat, on impulse, I suggested that we be in touch and work with each other to stay clean. From that day forward, I would say hello to people on chat and offer chizzuk if I could. I gave them invitations to contact me at any time for any reason through email or chat. I found that giving chizzuk to others gave me chizzuk. About a month after that (2 months from when I started being clean), I posted my first post to the forum ( guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/202082-Dear-Yetzer-Tov#202088 ), and boruch Hashem, I haven't stopped.

I hope this hasn't been too rambly. It's late and I'm tired. As always, if you have any questions feel free to ask away.

Thank you so much for sharing
Keep it up

It seems some people work better with the daily count; others do not

The feeling of being low seems to reasonate with all and it is a common theme

I actually do a lot for God and His people during the day, but "kol zeh eino shaveh li," when I begin thinking.

That which you said about your business deal I'm sure others think like that also. I thought that my family issues with wife and child were dependent on my behavior. I felt too low to think that changing would make a difference.

Regarding shalom bayis, I was too stubborn to think one has to do with the other.

So, my answer why I'm stopping, or at least trying again, up until membership here was =od, low, family, lachar 120 etc.

However, now I know that there is only one reason.

The lust for tayvah replaced the lust for Hashem. I. NEED to get that back.

One cannot happen without the other.

To be cont...

Thank you skeptical and others

Great post Skeptical! I especially like the part about your wife noticing. Many people come here complaining about their wives and it takes time until they realize that their behavior is contributing to the problem even if the wife is unaware of it. Wives always know. It's that bina yeseira thing.

Thank you so much for sharing!

Ditto

And ill take the hit on the "wife" thing.

4 days I have been working on focusing only on her needs.

Suffice it to say that there were no bedroom fireworks, but my needs are not important.

Thx so much

cordnoy


I didn't mean that I felt low as a person. I never really defined myself by this issue. I'm a frum guy who does a lot of good. I believe that everyone struggles in one area or another (anger, greed, ego, etc)., and this happens to be my challenge. That being said, the things I was allowing myself to do at that point were the lowest I had ever allowed.

cordnoy


I'm not sure if you're agreeing that our actions have an effect on what happens in our lives. I believe strongly that it does. My business deal did not end up going through, boruch Hashem, because at the end of the day, everything is hashgacha protis and Hashem knows better than I do if it was really good for me. Obviously, it wasn't.

cordnoy


Fireworks is fantasy. Why do you think the marriages of actors to the actresses that every other guy fantasizes about don't work out? Because what we see on the screen is fake! They could be married to the most beautiful women, the very women that seem to do the stuff we want so badly to have for ourselves, yet because it's all fantasy and directed down to the smallest detail by a director and his fantasies, they find out very quickly that the real life woman is not measuring up to their fantasies and they look elsewhere, reaching for that elusive dream!

Eizehu ashir, hasamayach b'chelko. Enjoy the wife Hashem gave you in your special way. Don't look at others and fantasize, because in the end you are hurting yourself and your relationship for something that isn't even real.

Sex! My favorite topic!

This isn't the Baalei Baatim's section, so I'll keep it minimal. But I think it's important for guys who are not yet married to understand this too.

I agree with Skeptical that "fireworks" refers to fantasy stuff and acting.

But I will say that since I stopped lusting, and stopped using the bedroom as the last place I could still get my lust fix in a muttar way, the relations are more intense and more enjoyable than ever. For both of us.