wow
if only, I could daven like that....

Cordnoy, you just need to daven like Cordnoy - no one else can do that like you can! Whether it's "please help" or a 3 volume sefer, it doesn't matter.

I hear
thank you

i just have to remember to throw in that "please help" someplace

the problem somewhat is that i (against some of the 12 steps) don't like thinkin about my problems; i just wanna end 'em

syataDshmaya wrote:


How is it that "please help" sticks his nose into everything?!

and yes, Rachmanah Liba Boiya, once there is that, not much else matters!!

Last Shabbos I was by some people I had many negative thoughts about, unfortunately. They were Baal teshuva. I was trying to think positive during davening, and I asked Hashem for help. I thought, "considering how gashmiisdic they are now, imagine what they would be like if they didn't have Shabbos." And then I thought, "Imagine how I would be if I didn't keep shabbos." And the bracha of "baruch atah Hashem, mekadesh hashabbos" was very meaningful. It is like a friend of mine told me, "I don't keep shabbos. Shabbos keeps me." Thank you Hashem for Shabbos.

I'm hurting today. I haven't had strong temptations to fall, but I am seeing my life in a very different light (a clear one), and it hurts. I used to think it was an anomaly, supernatural, that I had fallen into addiction. But now I'm starting to see the reasons for my decline (internal and external), the stuff I was hiding from. Man it hurts. I know its worth it, and the pain caused by truth is better than pain caused by self-destruction. But I just needed to share that.

Thanks for sharing.

I'm at 90 days today. When I joined GYE I imagined day 90 very differently. It was going to be all about me and my heroism, my thoughts were going to go out in the daily emails once in a while because I was just so brilliant and such a big tzadik. I was holding on to this false image of myself, who was really a stranger to me, as if my life depended on it, much like we are supposed to cling to Hashem. This and many other unpleasant realizations have come about for me through GYE, b'SyataDshmaya.
I am not a tzadik gammur now. I still have problems, issues, complexes... I'm still not a perfect cli, and I still have a very humble amount of torah knowledge. But what I do have now is an incipient awareness of my issues, things which have plagued me for a very long time, but which I would constantly escape from until they would completely overpower me.
And another thing: Hashem is real, and the best way to relate to Him is through Reality. Real courage means staring your life in the face, and trusting Hashem. It is very very hard. Much too hard to do it alone. It takes time. But when I'm not alone (or when I don't pretend to be alone) and I swallow my pride and ask Hashem for help, it is easy.

One big reason I know that Hashem, my Father in Heaven believes in me, is that he brought me to GYE. Hashem, please keep me living, one day at a time.

sounds like you gained a ton by being on GYE. What else did you do besides the 90 days? Your closeness and attachment to Hashem is something to envy.

May you go michayil al chayil.

mazel tov and hatzlachah

During the 90 days, I wrote in a journal (sometimes I would be honest enough that it would hurt, so I would go for a jog afterwards). In the journal writing, it was helpful for me to write whatever came to mind, even if I thought it was mean or not true. That way, I got to know myself. Many times I thought 'Wow I really think that?' and most of the time, I realized those thoughts were true.
The jogging was also helpful in itself.

I also began to see that I needed to invest more time in getting out of isolation. I had a lot of time on my hands, and I tried to learn Torah by myself all the time, but I saw it just wasn't working. And the way to get out of isolation is to give. That's the only way I don't feel alone. I learned that it was not just a nice thing. It is a basic need, like food and water.

I also went to a therapist, but I don't know if that is so important for everybody. I also was having chronic anxiety for a few months before I started the 90 days.

I also broke up with a girlfriend with whom I had had a long distance relationship for several years. I am a baal teshuva, and we started dating before I became religious.

I have come to understand a little better a vort about a pasuk we say in pesukei. The pasuk is bohu sha'arav besodah, chatzerosav b'sehilla (enter his gates with thanks, his courtyards with praise). Thanks is a curious thing. In order to be thankful for something, you have to have some kind of personal connection to it. It needs to be experienced subjectively, and understood in the context of your current worldview, and your current inclinations. Praise is objective. It is recognizing something objectively good and true, regardless of your direct experience of it. In order to come into Hashem's courtyard, to come to appreciate something about Hashem interaction with the world, once must first enter through the gates of thanks. One must first relate to something within our personal experience, something very close to our heart, something in our lives that seems utterly specific to us, and not necessarily "religious," or "holy." That is the only way to begin to see Hashem's involvement in our lives, develop a personal relationship. I used to think you could skip that part and just get to the philosophy, the logic, the thumbtwisting... But none of that is really personal. I'm not saying it is not important - I actually think it is essential. But it is only one part of the picture. Getting to know myself was, and is, also essential, and very rewarding.

Sounds a lot like the second line of your tag lines!

syataDshmaya wrote:


This is really special. Thank you so much.

May HaShem be with you and grant you another day of life.

I just want to express that being in the shook in Telaviv is very rough on the eyes. People here dress like prostitutes dressed 30 years ago. Hashem, please have mercy on the Jewish people and forgive us! We need your help to make Eretz Israel the makom kedushah it is meant to be, with the geulah shlema! And please help me get through the day without serious damage! Oy!

well...at least it's 30 years ago, and not the way they dress today.

What ways have you tried to avoid looking?
I need to improve in this area as well.
I noticed a shemiras einayim group this afternoon.
I will try to call.
Hopefully with more success than the big book call this morning; they just kept me on line with music.

Anybody with shemiras einayim tips?
Aint dat why we here?

cordnoy wrote:

Cordnoy, can I suggest to you that you go back and read Tool #3 from the GYE handbook? It's a bit of a long read, but well worth it.

Here is a sample (something I have been trying to work on lately):
The_GYE_Handbook wrote: