Dear Doc,

I don't know about Dov (your wife found out, no?), but I can say that I was and at times still are exactly where you are. I think I've actually posted about those times when I was sure that the "show" was over.

Hashem has been extremely kind to me, and has given me friends to talk to, and He has showed me very clearly that it is not yet the time to tell. Yes, my wife knows something is up, she knows I am keeping something from her, but right now, it's better that way.

Take a deep breath, calm down. If she confronts you, good, if not, great......take it as it comes (and chances are that we are just paranoid, take that into a lot of consideration). We have the feeling that we need to be in control of when we tell her, how it comes out, etc. .......I need to let go, Hashem will do it (if He ever does) the exactly perfect way that it needs to be done. I can relax.

KUTGW!!! KOMT!!! and KIT!!!

Personally, I try to follow one rule:

Never lie to my wife. If she asks me a question, I answer it honestly - lying about it 'to protect her' or 'to protect the marriage' is not the way for me. And G-d takes care of us and our marriage far better than I did or could now. 'Meshaneh mipnei hasholom' is a thing for others, not for me.

And the beautiful thing is, that as an addict and for my first few years in recovery I had no clue what 'Honestly' meant, but am learning now one day at a time. It is an amazing journey for both of us.

There are probably some people who ought never tell their wives some of the things they did, even if their wife asks them directly if they ever did them. But I thank my G-d every day that I am not one of them.

B"H doing OK. Sort of.

I'm in such a bad mood.

There's no reason for it. I don't know why. But I just feel so angry.

I did a few good things today despite the rain and my headache. I feel like I was really moser nefesh. I feel like a martyr. This is really bad. I know that feeling, and what happens next has never been anything good.

I want to do the right things and be a good guy and a good Jew, but I don't want to feel like I've suddenly become a tzaddik. It's such an annoying feeling. "Oh look at me, I haven't masturbated for over 3 whole days even though I really wanted to, I'm such a holy man. Look at that guy there barely concentrating on maariv, he doesn't know what avodas Hashem really means like I do. Of course, I'm not davening well either, but that's different cos that's not my avodah. I have this other yetzer hora to deal with and I'm doing soooooo well Hashem must think I'm soooooo amazing........" Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggggg.

Even though it's beyond stupid and I know it's stupid I just can't shake off the feeling. It's so annoying. I want to break something!!!!

Boy do I relate, ho ho ho!!!!

I suffer from "the entitled" feeling after "tzaddik" times. Everything is supposed to be just perfect!!! and when it's not, it's not just not good, but it ruins everything....."v'chol zeh einenu shoveh li"!!

Oh, and then....I get upset at myself for feeling that way, I know better, I shouldn't be feeling this way....(that usually does a lot of good)

There are two things that I've learned about how I deal with these times, One is not to take them that seriously. I am human, I have feelings, and it's not necessarily something that I can control. So if I know what the correct next step is, then I can take it even while feeling bad.

The second thing is that I found that talking about the feeling, either to Hashem and/or a friend goes a long way. Validating the feeling and showing it where it's wrong really helps me a lot, and I usually don't do well when I try doing it alone (as I did this motzei shabbos, and last night....hey!!! this is exactly what I need!!! thanks doc!!!!!).

Feelings aren't stupid, I don't enjoy when someone calls a friend of mine stupid, feelings are exactly that.....feelings. Don't beat yourself up over it, just KOT through it!!!

KOMT!!!!!

As if to answer me straight away, I've been slipping today. Oh the urges!! I really want to just act out and be done with it. It's got under my skin, I just want to scratch.

I'm so irritable right now. I've had a feeling for a couple of days of just wanting something to eat or drink that will really 'hit the spot' but I can't find it. I'm climbing the walls fighting myself. Aaaarrrrggg.

I have a meeting in a couple of days that's a really big deal for me and I need to prepare, but so far today I've done almost nothing except fighting myself. It's so frustrating. I can't be bothered, I just want to call and cancel the meeting. How stupid that would be.

I called another member and he reminded me of the obvious truth. I am not in control. I cannot make the meeting go well. I need to prepare as it's my hishtadlus, but that's all it is. How it goes is up to Hashem and what He decides is best for me.

It really helps. It takes away the stress a lot. I'm not trying to ace the meeting, I just need to show up having done enough hishtadlus and the rest is up to Hashem. Whatever's best for me, I'll just get out of the way and let Him decide for me.

Easier said than done.

Good luck at your meeting!! Hashem is with you, as much as He is with all the other people there, and is in charge of the outcomes completely. Wow - it's so nice to see that you have helpful friends to turn too, also. What great feedback you got!

And speaking of meetings, when I go to a meeting at work (on a good day) I am trying to focus on how I can be helpful to people there. It helps me listen, helps me get out of my own head (that's huge for me), helps me be a part of, rather than apart from...

Regarding your previous post about the superiority feelings and the maddening backlash of slipping again, I have what to share, too.

You are saying just what I have posted about so many times, and about which some posters guys get upset about or just shrug their shoulders and walk away: 1- I expect no schar whatsoever for my sobriety. 2- And I do not consider my sobriety a madreigah in any respect. And by the (very) same token, 3- I do not expect more sex from my wife because I 'held back and was faithful to her'.

I do, however, expect the same little smile and wink from Hashem that He probably gives all the sober alcoholics, pillheads, gamblers, and perverts who die sober and in recovery, as they pass by on their way 'up there' to their Big Judgement. Perhaps a nod, that conveys: "Hey, I know you had it rough, good job, dear. So glad you could join the rest of the human race."

That's about all.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe He will give me a ticker tape parade down Shvilei D'rakia Avenue. None of my business, and I am not interested.

The day I need to get paid extra because I am a recovering addict, I will be in grave danger. The greatest danger is that I will drop my sobriety when I see that I am not getting paid enough! And that is the same whether the person 'paying' me is G-d (with schar, a feeling of deveikus, or a fun life here), my wife (with admiration, sex, or whatever), or people (with whatever I'd want from them).

It's good that you have been having urges today! I have been having them, too. Most of the time I just let them go and they do. But when they hurt on the way out I need to pray sioncerely and calmly for the people I lust after or for the people I resent or am afraid of, or for myself to be helpful to them...and the lust disappears every time. I never pray for Him to take way my lust. I get busy with real life by praying for what matters, and the lust is like road kill - I rarely even feel the thump in the road as I ride past it. Usually I do not realize the lust went away until later in the day. And that's just the way I like it. If I was aware of and felt my lust go away right away after or during praying, then I'd end up in your exact predicament: feeling holy, G-d forbid. That'd flush the entire gift down the toilet for me. I'd soon end up crazy, in my head again, and lusting/resenting/planning/fearing. Blyechhh...

Finally, I see it that the reason that normal guys davening around me are careful from shmutz or daven well, and do mitzvos is generally because they are so good. But the main reason I am careful from shmutz is because I am so sick. It does not bother me to be lower than everybody around me in some respect. Everybody is higher than everyone else in some way, and lower than everyone else in some way. That's just the way, for me. And it's OK.

I did a lot of slipping yesterday, but technically remained sober, although I didn't feel sober.

In the past I have suffered many physical pains and infections due to my addiction. Sometimes it's been the excessive masturbation that did it, sometimes it was because of masturbating right until ejaculation, then stopping, then starting then stopping. After all, I didn't want to be motzi shichvas zera levatoloh! But that's what I did again yesterday.

A while ago on this thread I was on antibiotics because of it and someone suggested I keep the empty box as a reminder. Well I did. I decided to keep it with me for a while to remind myself that if I so much as get a (deliberate) erection today, or look for one picture online, I will almost certainly do something that will seriously hurt my health.

I fell again today, but less than last month:

docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0Aih3MiAjSuHTdDliYi1VX056T3I2LUNhOHQwcktMSVE&usp=sharing

Take it from one who has been there-once you start masturbating excessively, it is a very short route to being motzei shichvas zeras lvatalah, and down the proverbial rabbit hole to watching and reading porn.

When I'm on a tall roof i tend to push people away because I become supper cocky, and I tend to think im better than others. Plus I get very tensed to the point where people want to tell me to Fu** off. Its not fun having everyone be intimidated, but man is the confidence enjoyable,,

Sometimes I think that everything in my life depends on staying sober. A few times I've had hard mornings and I nearly fell but I worked the program and somehow I didn't. Then in the afternoon something good happened unexpectedly.

I don't want it to be true the other way round too, but this morning I started slipping. I'm not sure if I would have fallen had nothing happened, but something did. Mid-slip my wife called me and delivered bad news that had just happened.

I felt so guilty and felt that it was my fault it happened because I wasn't staying sober so I said a kepitel tehillim. Then, from nowhere I thought I should say vidduy. I used to say viduy a lot but stopped since I always found it harder to stay sober afterwards. But this time I said viduy. Suddenly, as if from nothing I burst out crying and I thought of all the stupid things I've done in this area and how many bad things I've caused. I just cried for ages. I have no idea if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I am sure that I'm now more at risk of falling and I have to be extra careful.

I'm doing step 1, writing out my addiction history. I'm 7 pages in and there's still lots to go. By rough calculation I've masturbated over 6,000 times. Even I'm quite shocked by that. I may well have spent 6,000 hours watching porn too, although that's harder for me to calculate, but that's basically enough time to learn all of shas twice.

And oy the stupid things I've done! I recognise the insanity of it now. No person in their right mind would put themselves in such situations. In a way I'm exceptionally lucky that I've never been caught. But looking back I can barely believe that I did some of the things. Wow, it's been an eye-opener.

At an SA meeting last night someone said something so brilliant I just had to come on and share it. He said:

"I'm either in the solution or I'm in the problem."

Wow! That's so brilliant.

B"H still sober since last Monday.

I'm getting the usual thoughts. "I just want to be on day 90 already! Why does time move so slow?" Followed by "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up for."

"One day at a time" is both helpful and irritating at the same time!

Yeah, and reality is certainly both helpful and irritating at the same time, too. 100% agreed, man.

Sober today, too, by Hashem's Grace (Chessed, most call it).

Great to hear, but why is 90 even in the equation?
When people say "one day at a time," they don't even mean, "one day."

They are saying simply: When a situation arises, do the right thing!
They are not saying to think about that situation beforehand.

Yes, if you must remove triggers, do the best you can beforehand, but don't focus on it.
We just wanna make the correct decision once!

b'hatzlachah