I'm under so much pressure that I have no time for anything. Barely time to daven, very little time to learn. I'm on day 16 and i should be happy but I'm not. I need to feed my neshomoh.

I identify with this.

You write: I need to feed my neshomoh. What you mean is, that you feel that you need to feed your neshama.

i learnt that these are feelings, very powerful ones, which convince me to death that i need something to fill that need, otherwise.........but only feelings.

Step One: I am powerless over these feelings. They are very real to me, and there is nothing I can do to take them away (except acting out).

Step Two: Look around at guys who have sobriety, here on GYE and SA against all odds. Perhaps you yourself remember reaching out and remaining sober - so you know that He can help you retain and restore your sanity, even if you do not act out, and even if at this moment you think that nothing can help you.

Step Three: ask Him for guidance to do His will today, and for the willingness to accept it. Turn your will and life over to His care - Yes, He cares and he loves you!

Thank you for the opportunity to share this.

May He grant us a day of sobriety and sanity.

Dr.Watson wrote:


Hang in there, Doc! Chanukah is coming! That's when Hashem comes down to the lowest of the low, the darkest of the dark, the coldest of the cold, the leftest of the left... So no matter where you think you're at, you can look forward to connecting with the Shechina when it comes to visit you in your own home. Take advantage and sit by your Menorah and bask in it's warmth. Sing to Hashem with dveikus and longing, and (when nobody is watching) have a few words with Him.

B"H something spiritual to look forward to.

Happy Chanukah,

MT

It's bothering me that I won't be able to fully enjoy chanukah this year. The pressure is really on full blast until the Friday after chanuka so I'll miss it. I mean I'll light the candles and sing, but my mind won't be fully engaged with it which is a real shame.

I always felt bad for my parents when they were forced to work on chol hamoed, but I never understood it properly till now.

Bayomim haheim bizman hazeh - Regardless where you are or what you're doing, may the little bit that you manage to do, shine into you for the full 8 days.

MT

Instead of telling yourself that your mind won't be able to fully enjoy Chanukah and that your mind won't be fully engaged with it - when the time comes to light the menorah, try to be fully in it in the moment.

One moment at a time.

So the stress at work has largely passed. B"H I survived.

I knew I was at a higher risk when the stress stopped and I could finally relax, and that's what happened. I had another fall. I'm upset because it happened so fast that I couldn't stop it. It was almost unfair.

Anyway, that makes 4 falls since y"k.

Now I need to rededicate myself to learning and davening which I let slip recently. I need to get back into a normal sleeping pattern so I can get up for shacharis, and I need to get back into the habit of going out to learn. It's proving harder than I thought it would be.

sorry to hear doc

keep strong

we are with you

I think things will get a lot better for you once you get back into a regular sleep pattern. I always have a harder time when my sleep cycle is thrown off.

Less stress is a very good thing! It makes being, easier. And while you are busy just being, I wish you hatzlocha enjoying life a little more, being a little nicer to yourself and to your tired brain and body, and smiling a little more at those you love...including yourself.

Not a good start to the day. Porn and masturbation has been on my mind since I woke up. I so want the escape and release. Boy do I have RID. Things are not going too well for me right now. I can see the connection now more clearly than ever before. Things going badly --> want to look at porn --> need the physical release.

Not entirely sure what to do about that though.

Dr.Watson wrote:

Thank you for sharing this. I identify with what you are feeling. I have been there countless times.

Thankfully today I came to understand that my need to look at porn is not a reality. It is what my body and more so my mind have tuned themselves to do. But for me that feeling is very real; so real that there is nothing I can do about it - on my own.

Now my real problem is always not so much the craving to act out, but the absolute conviction that if I do not do it, then I will die at worst or go crazy at best!

Thankfully I have come to believe that I CAN remain sober without dying and that HaShem CAN restore my sanity.

Talk to Him. Tell Him what you are going through right now. Tell Him about that feeling between your legs and about the things that are going badly. He is there for you. He loves you; addiction and all; He GAVE you this matzav!

May He grant us sobriety and sanity today.

Duvid Chaim gave a nice speech by the 2nd annual GYE convention, one amazing thing he said is that our lust is a behavior, behavior comes from feelings, feelings from attitude, and finally attitude from thinking!!! So the best (and only) way to really change behavior....is to change our thought process!!!

He calls it "B-FAT"

I found that to be very helpful, all the addict stuff aside, it's simple logic!

I think I can mention the 12 steps to you get into it, change your thinking, your attitude will change, you'll feel better, and your behavior will be top notch!!!

(Take it from the guy who was more wary about the "big book" and all the other big stuff than you were!! Do it right, as they say "it works when you work it" and DC adds "and you're worth it"!!)

Thank you all for the support in terms of messages here and private messages. They certainly helped me stay sober for another few hours. A few hours more than that would have been nice, maybe even got me to the end of the day, but it didn't work out that way. I feel like the odds were stacked against me, but I'm upset over the lost opportunity to prove myself and show my love for Hashem and yiddishkeit in the greatest way available to me.

sorry doc

as soon as I saw that you put up a new post, I said one word.

I repeated it when I read your post.