very quickly cos it's getting late, my kabolos are:
1) daven mincha and maariv more or less every day with a minyan
2) daven shacharis with a minyan at least once a week (apart from shabbos)
3) learn at least 10 minutes on days when I don't have a chavrusah

Of course I'll continue trying my best in this area of porn, masturbation and shmiras einayim. I'm in the middle of going through the 12 steps again and will hopefully finish next week, plus I'll call into the 12 step conference calls.

One day at a time with Hashem's help.

gmar chasima tova

It was on erev yom kippur after mincha that I got the urge again. Bad. I mean, of all times of the year, those 28 hours between mincha and neilah have got to be the worst time to act out, right? But I was in the shower and I could not shake off the thoughts I was having.

All of a sudden my thinking drastically shifted and I spoke to myself in the following way:

"You know what Dr. Watson, you're right. This is hard, very hard, maybe the hardest things anyone has ever had to do. I mean how does a person completely ignore such strong orders coming from his penis?! It's telling me loud and clear that I have to rub it with my right hand, there's no other way. That's the way it has to be, I can't avoid it, I can't ignore it. How can anyone ever do the right thing in such a situation? It's almost undoable. What I'm asking myself to do is almost impossible and there's no denying that fact. No-one in history has ever faced such a hard thing that they are standing ready to do the aveiroh, they can, they want to, no-one will see them, it won't hurt them or embarrass them, it will be hugely pleasurable and satisfying, and my body is telling me that it has to do it, that is a fact. There's no point denying it, my body's never wrong, it knows what it wants and needs and it's telling me it needs to masturbate. This is the hardest thing ever.

Yosef hatzaddik understands me. He was in a situation where he could easily have done the aveiroh, he wanted to, needed to, his body told him to, it was impossible to resist. Boaz understands me, he had a beautiful woman lying in his bed all night and she wanted to marry him anyway, and his body screamed at him to do the aveiroh. His body needed it, needed the release and the satisfaction of it. And here I am, my body telling me what it needs and it's hard to resist. It's almost impossible, there's no way round it. If I don't do it my body will scream at me until I do, how could anyone possibly avoid this aveiroh?! It's the hardest things in the world to do!!"


And it went away.


For the some reason, I think acknowledging how difficult this is, even exaggerating it for effect, really helps. My inner monologue changed from "for heaven's sake can't you just control yourself you useless rosho", to "you're absolutely right, this is the hardest thing in the world, it's OK to admit that"

It's kind of the alternative blow-it-up method

So even after yom kippur my thoughts are still there, my throbbing is still there, urging me to go and act out, and I recognise that it is hard, almost impossible to resist. If I don't do it I will be in huge discomfort that won't go away and that is a very hard thing to deal with.

Nu-nu.

Hatzlocha, chaver.

I'm having difficulty again. Lust is too strong for me, it really does feel like the hardest thing in the world, and there's nothing I can do about it.

So I breathe deeply and admit that this is too hard, and I daven to Hashem "please remove from me all defects of character that stand in the way of me doing Your will. Please let me get through today clean and sober."

I think I know what Hashem wants from me today, He wants me to do my work well until it's time to go to mincha. Please Hashem help me do that too.

You're not alone. We're with you all the way...!

Yup, we're all with you!!

You're doing great RIGHT NOW, don't forget that!!

Hatzlacha!!

Hi all
Take time to watch this video. Its real inspiration

I actually feel really positive (despite my ongoing pain (physical not spiritual)), but I know I have to be wary. One day at a time. Easy does it.

I was going through the 12 steps in the run-up to y''k, and I noticed something in a way I'd never noticed before. Most of the steps are actually the avodah of the eseres ymei teshuvah. I suppose it's about feeling cleansed, letting go of the past, both guilt and resentment. Forgiving others and asking for forgiveness from others, from Hashem, and perhaps most importantly oneself. It's a lot easier to stay clean and live sober when one feels spiritually healthy.

B''H I feel good, I've been keeping to my kabolos so far, I feel clean, I feel like a Jew again. I'm not even thinking about how long this can last, I'm just trying to keep clean for now, keep my kabolos, do my work and love my wife, Hashem and life.

KOT Doc!
And enjoy the company

Thank You Hashem for yom tov!!

Y''t is a very special time for all of klal yisroel, but especially for us addicts as it's so much easier to stay clean, at least for that day.

B''H y''t was wonderful and now I have a bit more sobriety under my belt and I'm desperate to keep it. I need to focus on staying sober, which means so much more than just abstaining, it means I have to live my day the way a day should be lived.

my yt davening, learning and seudah have been extremely spiritual

the time in between.... I have not had your experience

struggling today

This is a very weird feeling. I feel positive and anxious at the same time. I feel positive because I am still sober, yet anxious because I know I'm never more than a few minutes away from falling.

I am never more than a few seconds away from a relapse.

But thats ok today. As long as i work my program, that is.

When i work my program i am never more than a few seconds away from my Higher Power.

It is my Higher Power that keeps me sober today.

I am very grateful indeed.

Dr.Watson wrote:

I identify with these feelings, from my earlier days in recovery.

Today I am thankfully aware that if I am anxious or obsessive over not falling, then it is probably a sign that i am relying to much on my own power to remain sober and not accepting that i just cannot stay clean on my own.

as long as I remember that I cannot stay clean on my own and that I CAN survive without acting out by turning my life and will over to HaShem and accepting His will, one day at a time, i do not have to worry or be anxious.

just one last point to remind myself that there is no way i can trust myself to reach out and connect when i am faced with lust, if I don't acknowledge that without HaShem my life is unmanageable and that i need Him for everything.

May HaShem grant us a day of sobriety and sanity.

I had a slip last night. I wanted to watch a light movie to de-stress from the 3-day y''t (does anyone else find the end of the third day hard?), and there were a few triggering scenes. B''H I didn't fall but today is very hard.

It was so stupid, I have to be much more careful what I watch, if I watch anything.

But I really need to get through the rest of the day unharmed and I've made it very difficult for myself. That part of my body is physically aching for a release and none is muttar to me right now. Sometimes this really is the hardest thing to do.