Step by step.

Here are the first two:

1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust-that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Three tools are critical: honesty, willingness and openness. (As Dov would say; no hiding behind user-names and sitting face to face with other addicts).

Before i came to SA i thought that the 12 steps was some sort of DIY kit "how to stop lusting". I was disappointed. And it took a long time and as much work as I was willing to put into it to start a life-changing process.

That is what has worked for me one day at a time.

chesky wrote:

The DIY method always appealed to me. I love self-help books. I never like to rely on anyone else. I like to do everything myself I had to need to learn to let go of the need to control everything. To let others help me. To realize that I don't do anything myself. I am totally and utterly dependant... which happens to be the message of Rosh Hashanah.

Dear Atzmosyosef,

Pretend the follwing is to you, chaver:

Doc, one thing and one only.

Don't look at that first pic on the comp.

[I know that some will say the street is even more important, but from what we have heard from you, and again, it's only mho, so you don't have to listen at all, focus on that comp; not one pic.]

You wont get to pic 4 and 6, if you never saw the first.

b'hatzlachah.

I agree with you Cordnoy, I have to be careful not to look at the first picture because looking at one will make it much harder not to look at a second etc. Feeding my lust only makes it worse.

Two positives I can bring:
1) I went back to the site I fell on, (not for anything dodgy, it's a useful and generally ok site, I misused it by connecting through it to other sites) to see why my filter didn't work and I realised that the safe setting for that site was not turned on. I'm not sure why that was but I changed the settings so it's much harder to get any pictures on it. (No, I don't have my filter's password, my filter is still in place this is a way round the filter that needs an extra level of protection).
2) I fell on Wednesday but haven't fallen since. I think this is the first time I've ever got back up less than a day after a fall.

have a good shabbos chevra.

I have told many guys and heard from many guys:

If you test your filter, you do not have a filter any more.

or,

Filters are not there to be tested.

or,

If your dog does not come to you when called, you do not really have a dog.

Once we test the filter, we will eventually circumvent it, period. I honestly believe that and have not tested my filters (and actually do not even know if my laptop has a working one on it at all, anymore) for over ten years.

Dov wrote:

Maskim.

hey Doc, how was Shabbos?
what worked?
what didn't?

still on a first pic hiatus?

b'hatzlachah

Dov wrote:


When I first got my filter, I tested it, found I could get into a triggering site, and asked the nice people who do my filter to take that off too.
So I feel testing it was a good thing.
Eventually of course the idea is not to need it, but that could be a long way off for some of us!!!

Of course while testing it you could have fallen.The way to test k9 is to type in gambling.com, that kind of test might be good to make sure the filter is armed for unintentional sites, but testing it for its strength is not the smartest idea.

israel613120 wrote:


Dear chaver,

Appreciated that! But my default button is speaking for the addicts among us, not just porn users or masturbaters. Everyone has a yetzer hora - addicts go far beyond the YH and compulse and obsess about it for years, getting worse, not better.

So I'd ask you if you later fell with that computer/filter you were referring to - or if the intervention you mentioned actually lasted over the long term.

That's important. Sure there are short term benefits to nearly everything (see the "Nuclear Reset Button" for a great short term effect our masturbation has on avodas Hashem). But was your long term better?

If it was, then that's great...but I'd be inclined to suggest that you are not in the same boat as myself and the rest of the addicts I know. Perhaps not a sick man, at all, b"H.

Dr. John Watson: People don't have archememies.
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr. John Watson: In real life. People don't have archenemies.
Sherlock Holmes: That sounds a bit dull. So what do people have in their REAL lives?
Dr. John Watson: Friends, people they like, people they don't like, boyfriends, buddies, drinking partners...
Sherlock Holmes: Like I said, dull.

Hey Doc, we are your friends....clue us in; thanks.

b'hatzlachah

At the risk of having Dov tell me I'm being melodramatic, I'll say where I'm at.

The only area of avodas Hashem I've been working on this past year is porn and masturbation. I know how bad this aveiroh is and I felt like nothing else mattered for much if I'm still masturbating. B''H I've had some success and I've improved in this area, but I'm still nowhere near where I want to be. That's OK because b''H I'm still improving and iy''H one rosh hashonah I'll realise that I haven't masturbated at all since before the last rosh hashonah. Ay what a geshmak feeling that will be iy''H.

In the meanwhile every other area of my avodas Hashem has gone down since last year. I've got used to davening at home, which means 10 minutes in the morning and more often than not forgetting to daven mincha and maariv entirely. My learning has gone way down. If not for my chavrusah I'd barely learn at all. On the days when we're not learning that's what happens. I haven't improved or learnt anything new, in fact I'm forgetting more and more of what I learnt in yeshivah. I haven't finished anything. I haven't opened a mussar sefer since last year. I've been to exactly 1 shiur in the last year. I get so tied up with work that I don't control my relaxation time properly. Often it goes on till long after I should be in bed, causing a vicious cycle of tiredness and sleeping in, often I end up watching stupid videos that no only waste my time but become less enjoyable the more I watch them. My shmiras einayim is worse than it was a year ago. I haven't made time for my friends or my family. I forget to say brocha acharona when i eat, even if i washed. I haven't worked on my middos at all. In short, I feel disconnected from Hashem and from yiddishkeit and I don't recognise myself anymore.

And now we're coming to rosh hashona and I'm scared of what Hashem will think of me. I promised things last year and not only did I not keep to them but I've lost a lot of what I had. And I feel powerless to fight it. There's too much going on and each bit is so hard to work on that I almost feel like I can't do much about it.

I want to though. In feel like the battle-lines of avodas Hashem have moved inwards and surround me very closely, almost trapping me. I want to fight back. I'm at the point of feeling like I might as well fight cos I have nothing to lose. But I know it would take extraordinary effort to fight back at some of these lines. I want to roll up my sleeves and get to work but I don't know where to start to really make a difference.

I will let the people who know how to fight respond to where your battle lines should be drawn; however, I will say this: you wrote: I'm at the point of feeling like I might as well fight cos I have nothing to lose. That is, I believe, almost Step 1. We are powerless...those who are addicted are at the bottom, with nowhere to turn...except to Avinu Shebeshamayim. This is precisely the moment in which He wants to hear from us. He loves us at all times! Tell Him this R"H that you feel like youre at the end of the line, and that is why you are crying this year. It is different than previous years, for although you were crying before, you were asking for help; now, you are asking Him to take over. Don't worry how. That is His job! You do yours. Say, "God, this life I am leading is sick and unmanageable; You are the One that can get me out of it."

He will respond with the mehalech.

b'hatzlachah

It's a strange feeling. This is the first time since last yom kippur that I've felt anything for my yiddishkeit. In fact, it may be the first time in years, maybe ever. And that feeling is depression. I'm so depressed that I've let things slip this far. This is not where I want to be in my yiddishkeit at all.

Things I feel need to change:
1) Davening with a minyan 3 times a day, every day, whether I feel like it or not
2) That means getting up at a reasonable hour, which in turn means means going to bed at a reasonable hour, which in turn means not wasting hours 'relaxing' on my computer at the end of every day
3) Learning every day, even if it's just one hour. But it has to be every day, whether i can or not
4) Going to at least one weekly shiur. Please remind me of this one after succos because i won't be able to start until then. But I need to learn some things that I won't come across by myself
5) Learn mussar, at least a bit a few times a week
6) Work on shmiras einayim, and quitting porn and masturbation

That is what I consider the barest minimum and I'm really upset that it's not the case already. But enough is enough, I have to do something about it.

I was always told that we need to make a kaboloh at this time of year, and that kaboloh has to be the smallest possible thing you can think of. Well I don't feel like that's an option for me, I just can't carry on in this way, I need to change my life, not just do better at one small thing. I'll try and make just one small kaboloh that is something relatively easy to do so that at least I should have something I can cling on to from this as a minimum, but I really think I need to work on all of these things as one.

You might notice that I put porn and masturbation last on the list. That's because although I think it's the most serious thing I'm doing wrong, I don't think it's going to get much better without working on other areas at this stage. I can't just sit back and passively not act out, I need to be proactive. That's how I see it at least.