Greetings to all,
I havent posted for a while...I have been very busy at work, etc. I have decided not to count the 90 days. I think that, at least for me, it does more damage than good. During the 90 days journey (which stopped after 81 days), as I would daven maariv, I would think 'ah, now we have finished day 27, into day 28. etc etc. I think that this really got to me in the end and was one of the causes of my fall. Apart from that, my recovery methods werent so great anyway, as i mentioned beforehand: counting 90 days and calling 1 person once.

My taphsic shevua has developed and to this day it hasnt let me down, BH. Here it is:
At first, I would make it for the next day. Now I am already making it for 2-3 days at a time. My shevua is that within 30min before the beginning of a fall, meaning looking at p**n (meaning that if i begin searching and dont find before 30min have passed it doesnt count) or touching my p***s to m******e, I must have listened to the full daily sicha of the Lubavitcher Rebbe (about 10 minutes) on a certain website and understood what the Rebbe is saying to the best of my ability without a dictionary. If I do not do this and stll fall, I must donate within 90 hours of the fall 650shekels to tzedaka. If I fail to do that, I must donate 1500 shekels within 3 weeks of the fall. And, of course, if i forget the shevua I am patur from it etc.

In addition to that, I am begging Hashem everyday in Shachris during mizmor shir chanukas habayis ledovid 'Hashem yehe ozer li!' etc.

It is really amazing the taphsic shevua. I must admit I made it before with something stupid involving writing down 'i am a Jew' 500 times and it was all a big failure. But, this shevua is something. I can have the biggest urge ever and i wont fall. I remember the shevua and just leave everything. I myself ask 'whats the big deal, listen to the sicha and you're free to go?' but i dont know somehow when the YH remembers the shevua he just sinks into some kind of depression. Asides from that, he probably knows that its a no hoper. The only time I agreed to listen to the sicha for the sake of looking at p**n, after 2 minutes I had lost all desire to sin. Apart from that, I realise that I dont reallly have the 10 minutes to listen to a sicha coz im in the middle of work and behind in what I have to do....which is kind of funny because if not for the shevua I would hapilly dedicate 3-4 hours the YH, yamachshemoi!

Every now and then, images pop up in my mind and its just 'what?'. It looks so weird. So strange and foreign. Other times it looks nice and I have to work on myself to forget about it.

Then there are times when I feel like im dying because im not looking at p**n. Like now. ahhhhhhhhhh. but BH i have good protection. Its not like before the taphsic shevua when I would just ahhhhhhhhhhhhh Hashem help, and hope for the best. Now, I have fences, I know that Hashem will help me not to fall. Someone fighting this battle without recovery steps and just asking Hashem to help is, in my opinon, kind of like someone not looking for a job and crying to Hashem asking him to give him money. It may last a while, and who knows maybe Hashem will have enough rachmonus on you and give you money in a miraculous way forever. Someone, however, fighting this battle with recovery steps, is like a person who has a job, a vessel that is ready to contain Hashem's brocho and asks Hashem: fill up my vessel that I made. (as is known toras hakabala on parnasa: Work is just a vessel where Hashem can send the brocho you deserve. The amount of parnasa doesnt depend on the type/size of work, but rather on how much Hashem wants to send you.)

Thankyou for listening

Nedarim hand in hand with recovery steps.
Now you're cookin' with gas!
I wish everyone would read your post and understand that vows are tools. Filters are tools. Anything that forces me not to act out is but a tool. A powerful tool. But they are only effective in the long term when coupled with real recovery -- true abstinence from lust, surrendering our lust to Hashem, and personal growth.

Hatzlocha today!

Alex

Glad you're doing well. Thanks for the update.

(By the way, I'm glad you managed to stop touching your pills to maticulate!)

--Elyah

Mizmor shir chanukas habais speaks to me as well. There is enough there to cure a bunch of sexaholics, pretty much each posuk is relevant to out struggles and GYE's vital work...
Lots of Hatzlocho!

BTW, I thought it was "touching pupils to manipulate". Thanks, Elyah, for clarifying that!

That mizmor is sometimes the most important part of my shacharis. Even more important than sh'ma and sh'moneh esrei. Halocha of what the ikkar of davening is really is not the issue here. The RMB"M clearly defines the mitzvha of tefillah as reaching out to your G-d when you really need Him. And I believe the connection - wherever I find it on any particular day in the davening - is also so very precious to Hashem, too. He wants my heart - Rachmona leeba bo'i, right? Well, there it is for Him. Where I am zocheh to express a bit of my gratitude naturally, rather than some dramatic religious romanticism...but as natural and calm gratitude that is coupled with responsibility and hope for my continued success in the future because He is helping me because he loves me...well, how can I ask for more?

Thanks. May every shacharis have at least a little bit of that, one day at a time.

Ditto on Mizmor Shir Chanukas...

Other parts that I find particularly inspiring are kappitel vov (Tachanun) and Tefilla Ledovid (before Shir shel Yom). Also Elokai Netzor (especially the added part in most Nusach Sfard siddurim).

Can you believe these guys? Saying the words of davenning and getting meaning from them! Tachanun?! I bet Dov says the words in English sometimes. This is a great Forum. I might try davenning myself one day it sounds so good the way they describe it.


Good Shabbos!

That is very funny, BB, and timely, too: just yesterday as I was pummeling my chest during viduy, I realized I'm not sure what most of those words mean, and meant to look it up in english so I don't just do lipservice.
On the other hand, there is a maase, published previously on GYE, about a teenager involved with bad company, who was brought before Satmar Ruv. The latter asked the boy if he knows the teich of "usmageir" in the brocho of v'al malshinim. When the boy responded in negative, the Ruv said: I don't know either, but when I see that its in the company of us'shabeir v'sachnia, I know it means nothing good.
So perhaps its ok to rely on context sometimes...

There is a reason why the anshei kneses hagdola were metaken each part of davening from right at the beginning, korbonos, all of pesukei dezmirah, brochos of krias shema, brochos afterwards (the two latter werent anshei kneses hagdola, they are mentioned in the mishna), everything we say after shmonei esrei, etc, etc. If they were metaken such things for us to say every day of our lives, how can one possibly not know their meaning? Sometimes its a good idea just to sit and daven word by word, looking in the english for help and start communicating with Hashem. If there is a minyan that you want to daven with, you can even time yourself so you can daven shmonei esrei with them. ie get up earlier and start davening before the minyan. There are of course poskim (which I hold by) who say that it is better to daven all the words becavono and miss s/esrei with the minyan (being present at the minyan and hearing all the kadeishim, chozoros hashas, etc, etc remains an absolute chiyuv, of course) than skipping parts, davening w/out covono and focussing on making the minyan.

The actual holochos of davening, incl davening with a minyan, etc, are the body. the covono of davening is the soul. What's the use getting the body 100% right if there isnt a soul? Especially such an inyan where we talk to our creator every single morning. we have the ability to think about Hashem, get excited about Hashem and about doing his mitzvos and learning his Torah. Being such an important asset to yiddishkeit, in kaballah (if im not mistaken its also mentioned in the gemorrah) davening is the spine/backbone of yiddishkeit, how could one be so particular about the body of such an inyan and not put any neshomo into it? My advice, if you want to take it, to anyone who doesnt understand davening is take an english-hebrew siddur, start translating word by word day by day a little bit more until you start davening the way a yid is supposed to....
sorry if i offended anyone :

I've fallen quite a number of times in a few many days, and it hurts. The first time, i forgot the protim of the shvua and just went for it. second time i refused to do my taphsic shevua of listening to a sicha of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, and i now owe 850shekels to tzedoko within a couple more days before it turns into 1500shek...any one want to donate? ???
Ill have to be breif because im pressed for time

Ive had a rough couple of weeks, it is quite clear that my wife has post-traumatic which explains her acting towards me like a monster lately. The way she has been acting towards me, then crying and apologising, and back and forth treating me like a yoyo has just destroyed me mentally. It is something that came up a year and a half ago when she gave birth, and then it remained in the 'lurks' popping out every now and then but now it is really strong. Im emotionally broken. BH, she has begun seeing a psychologist, but i think i am in need of one more than her!

On Friday night, i had enough and downed a whole bottle of wine without my wife even noticing. Ah..finally everything was ok. I was so happy and could not care less what she said or did to me. I sand nigunim with our one and a half year old daughter while my wife just sat on the couch, staring into deep space.

Shabbos by day, my wife asked someone to call me early from shule. I entered the house, and she was howling and crying in our bedroom. I couldnt take all of this. I wanted just to m******* or something to get my mind off of everything that was going on. But, Shabbos...there are some limitations to my madness. But I needed something. I took a bottle of wine out of the cupboard and chugged about 2-3 glasses down in 1 go. Ive never drunken like this since I was about 17. But the wine wasnt enough, I walked into our bedroom and saw my wife lying face down kicking her legs on the floor howling like anything. Our neighbours probably think ive been beating her with all the havoc going on the last few weeks... I just stare at her. Normally, I would comfort her blah blah blah. But how can I come close to someone who has been treating me like a piece of garbage for the last 2 days, and on and off for much longer? There comes a point where enough is enough, right? So, blah blah blah eventually i sat down on the floor and cried with her. etc etc etc. I eventually burst out into tears screaming 'I hate you!' over and over again with my head in her arms.

Eventually, everything 'calmed down' and went 'back to normal'. We had seudas shabbos, etc. She BH went on a holiday for a few days.

Sunday, I woke up and had my coffee. I sat down to learn and just felt a hole inside my stomach. I cant quite explain it. Like something is missing. Anyway, I had to go shopping with my wife and that was when I had my first fall. I just couldnt take it anymore. And I just keep falling. again and again. I am so broken...so confused

I cried after the last fall and hit myself on the head a few times.

There are just times when I feel so empty inside. I cant do anything. For all I care, I could take a drink. And another one and another. But, I figure its better to keep to one addiction, than go to other addictions....

Like I said on a previous post, my mother is a prescription drug addict. My father is a sex addict. They still are married, and my mother acts like everything is normal. So does my father. I come from a history of crazy things happening and just 'acting normal'. As a teenager, I got hooked on Marijuana and ciggarettes. MJ was pretty easy to quit, ciggerettes were a nightmare. In the end I quit, though. But, this thing is not comparable whatsoever to those addictions. I mean, there was a stage where I would buy a ciggarette pack and say 'last one ever' over and over again but, in the end I stopped cold turkey. P***/M***** is just not the same.

Thankyou for giving me to let everything out. It feels a little better.
I know these things arent normal. I know I have to learn how to cope with things in life. I dont know if Im going to learn how in 12 steps or by a psychologist, but somehow Im going to cope. Sharing things with other people makes me feel a little better so thanks for listening

Anyway, i have so much work to catch up on because of all this. BH Im doing mesirus nefesh to maintain my daily learning schedule.

Btw, the more I have K9 the more sites Im finding with ... Im trying to contact the filter gabbai to ban some of these sites i found, but he is not answering.

OK...after a fall I have to reasses my recovery
1. I have written in my diary the time of a 12 step program on the phone so I have that time free (If there was a 12-step program face-to-face in my area I would do it)
2. Contact k9 filter gabbai to block more sites
3. Write down a set taphsic shevua nusach, instead of having to say it baal peh every day
4. Talk to a local Rabbi about this issue
5. Read 5 minutes a day of the GYE handbook

Dear chaver,

It breaks my heart to read what you are going through. There are no words I can think of. The wounds are still fresh and I feel quite a bit of the pain and agony. I just wanted you to know that we out here are 'listening' and feeling with you, and davening for you that you should see the "yeshuas Hashem keheref ayin'. Please keep strong, for your sake, for your wife's sake, and for your childrens' sake. May you see bekorov much nachas from yourself and from your lovely family.

MT

Wow! You're dealing with a lot.
Daven constantly, before every interaction with your wife.
If you haven't read Garden of Peace by R' Shalom Arush, I think you will find him speaking to you. I realize your wife has some special needs, but I think his mehalech will still be helpful.

I had a psychology professor who taught me that the moment a person takes a drink to solve a problem, he stops growing.

One day at a time. Really.

Love,
Alex

Hi all,
Thats it.... i have decided to join SA face to face meetings, even though they are a 2 and a half hour bus ride away. I am telling my wife that i am going to a food addicts annonymous (because i do have a terrible eating problem..) group....any thoughts?

Yes. Tell her it is Overeaters Anonymous, which is real and not something you made up which does not exist (unless it does). And if she is an over eater she might join you one day, so you might have to tell her it is a Def Leppard Appreciation Society meeting unless she is a heavy-metal fan in which case you should tell her........


Oh, and hatzlocho in SA. Great move - it has saved me for the last 443 days.