Hi all
the other times i posted on this website i was rushed for time, etc and didnt really have the time to sit down and write all about myself. Today, however, i was left alone in the house to do some errands and was about to leave to give a shiur and BANG. i looked at the computer. the computer looked at me.
'lets just go on for 5 minutes' i thought to myself.
i let out a little cry 'hashem! please help me!'.
'come on, nu, just 5 minutes and then you can leave. i mean, there is no way i can really stay for any longer than 5 minutes because i have to teach a shiur!'
'yeah, but im already late i have to leave now!'
'well, if im already late another 5 minutes wont hurt'
'hashem please help me!'
boom. i sat on the computer, opened up the special browser which does not store information and whish. well, you see i do have K9 (and the filter gabbai has the password) but, with some time, i know how to get around it (ie getting sites that k9 doesnt detect). it does take some time, though, so after 5 minutes i barely had what i had come for. every thing i looked for i told myself 'this and thats it'. then looked for something else. all the meanwhile the clock is ticking, ticking. i hadnt yet benched after what i had eaten so i told myd myself 'you see, you have to bench so dont worry well be finished in time for you to bench'. Slowely but surely, that time passed as well. i had some crumbs from what i had eaten and every now and then would eat some, telling myself 'its OK, you can bench in another 70 minutes'. more images and trying to get video. trying, failing, clock ticking as i work my way through so many internet sites, this one blocked, ok but this one open and no video allowed, etc etc. just kept on going, going, going. after two hours i realise that i have to call my wife. but no i kept on looking, etc. after 3 hours of looking i had a 'good' zera levatala r'l and finally i'm free. so now i have even more extra time as my whole day is messed up. the whole time i felt like i was in a prison. couldnt get out. and it seems that at those moments the only way to get out is zera levatala. because, anyway its going to happen. so lets make it happen after 10 minutes and be free rather than 3 hours. any thoughts on that?
And what happend today? Learnt and davened well. did errands around the house. it was
a really good day. about to leave for a shiur and...
This reminds me of my yeshiva days. i would be in the middle of a sugia and need the toilet. in the toilet before i knew it i was masturbating. out of the blue.
I do feel, however, a feeling of mmmmm, that i dont usually feel which means because i tried to stop myself from hotzos hazera when it finally came out after 3 hours it was more pleasureable
I am reading so much about knowing when your yetzer gets you, etc but with me it seems like ANY DAY ANY TIME! After a good day lying in bed thinking mishnayos or tanya bal peh and BOOM!
Anyway, knowing myself i would think that if the filter gabbai blocks out all websites except for the ones i need i would be a lot better. i cant avoid being at home alone. its too difficult. there is too much to do.
OK...sorry for the scattered thoughts. lets get down to business:
heres goes. i have been doing some deep thinking about what it says in a few places on the internet about figuring out the reason we are doing zera levatala. And pondering about my own childhood. i have revealed that, despite my parents being warm loving and nuturing, they did not really know how to raise a child. the one big problem is that they never really made any effort to see how i feel in anything. especially as i am now working in chinuch and have a very good marriage bh i am learning (from profesionals) what it means to understand/connect to the other person. I have never had anyone do that for me. If i did something wrong i was shouted at. even if it was a mistake. for example, i once droped a Coke bottle on the floor and it exploded. i was shouted at and sent to my room by my mother. i was 8 years old. it was an accident. i was always walking on a tight-rope. one minute everything was OK. i was eating for example. the next minute i was eating too much and im going to be fat. one minute i was playing nicely on the playstation (i am a baal teshuva) and the next minute my parents shout at me becasue i am being too loud. I never really had that 'safe haven' where whatever i do is OK and i am loved, etc. I was also bullied at school and was embarassed to tell my parents. They would ask me 'how was school today, good?' 'did everyone play nicely with you?' and i would obviously answer 'yes mum'. i remember that there was a time when i told them everything but as i grew up i began hiding it from my parents. my parents expected me to be normal so i tried acting like it. When i got older i wouldnt bring certain friends home because i was embarassed that my parents would see my 'nerdy' friends. I had nowhere to run to. not school (i was ill-behaved and got bad marks). not my parents. not my friends. i couldnt play sports properly. so at the beginning i found creating fantasies where i am a famous baseball player, or singer (i even wrote songs), TV programer etc. I was, however, noticing that my father's reaction to all this was negative. for example, my father once found a piece of paper of mine with my own TV schedule (i must hav been 6 or 7) written '600 telethon 900 telethon 1200 telethon etc' becasue i had seen it written in the TV guide. i would study the TV guide and make up my own TV guide and play out the characters. My father shouted at me and told me to stop living in fantasies. So i had to stop that. i still continued, however, in secret. then i found that if i play sport in the backyard and write down my own scores my father didnt mind as much.
shortly thereafter, however, i felt that i was disapointing my parents because i wasnt 'normal'.
In that time i found pornography. A freind showed my a website when i was about 9 and i really liked it. Once, i was in my father's office and saw on the history porn sites! That got me hooked because here is something i like and my father approves of! My father called me to the computer room when i was about 12 or 13 and showed me how to delete history off the computer and that he doesnt want to see any smut on the history. So that was that. My solution. my friend. a place where i belong. a place without limitation. where everyone likes me. home.....or so i thought.
OK...to be continued. i have to go now. i will continue the story, imyh