Unfortunately, I fell last night. I did it because I was getting too emotionally attached to those two guys, and I couldn't bear to continue. I always think more clearly when my hormones are out of my system. And they definitely are now. I deleted the contacts and deleted all their messages. I deleted the new text messages I received from them and when I get back to Brooklyn, I am going to be under even stricter conditions. I will not tolerate any leeway with myself.

In the meantime, I need someone who is good with computers to remotely control my computer long enough to type in a password for my K-9 filter. I can't have access to any passwords. If I do, I can't control myself.

Anybody think they're up for the job?

JB

P.S. Don't think that what I did has any sort of justification involved. Just because I said that reason doesn't mean I believe only that one. I will admit I wasn't thinking clearly enough. I obviously need  a lot of help!

I feel bad that you fell. I know how strong the pull can be. But you are picking yourself up and moving forward. And taking concrete steps to remove the temptations. However I am still afraid that as long as those people are able to contact you it's going to be a potential big problem. Please consider getting a new phone number now.

For help with your filter password, see here: http://guardyoureyes.com//filters/technicians

Keep On Trucking!!!

Gevura!

JB, did you read my message above? Just asking...

Yes, I read your message, dov. Now if only I had someone to work with me on it.

I'm getting in touch with a friend, one of the few I have left, and I'm going to b"h work with him on it, if he's still ok with me (haven't told him I have SSA, and he only suffers with SA, but he has to know this about me to help me out). B"h I will get in touch with him as soon as he gets back from Israel (in a day or two).

I'm clean now for one day, and I plan on going to the mikveh today, when it is completely empty.

I also hope to change the filter password through gye (many thanks to gevura for the link), and I've stopped talking to those guys and deleted every trace of their number in my phone. I can't reach out to them even if I wanted to. I've shut down my account that is linked to the website where I found all the men, and I am shutting down the new one I created recently as well.

I am trying to get clean, but it's no easy task. Please send some chizuk if you can, it would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,

JB

Hey JB, great to hear from you!

It's great that you've stopped communicating with those guys and making a clean break from that. And opening up to a real-life friend is one of the best things you can do.

One thing bothers me.....

You're welcome for the link. But you have to actually use it. Don't hope, DO!

Keep up the good work, and Keep On Trucking!!!!!

Gevura!

Oh. I needed to clarify that, obviously.

I don't have access to that computer right now; I only have access to a work computer right now. That one is at home. I'll do it when I get home, be'ezrat hashem.

Sorry for not clearing that up right away.

JB

Oh Ok, that's better. Sorry for coming down hard on you, but I was scared that if you don't take care of it right away you will slip again.

The work computer is filtered too, I hope.

Gevura!

It's ok. I need the musar.

As for the work computers, I don't need a filter because there are people everywhere. There is no chance of me ever slipping like that. Every room has people working (it's a doctor's office so I only have a desk and I'm always interacting with the patients and staff, so there is no risk), but thanks for your concern.

JB

JB,
Glad to hear you're still putting in the effort.  It has always been difficult for you.  Keep at it.

Something I have found to be true, is that it's easier to cut myself off completely from lust, rather than keep taking little sips.  I can resist all the goodies at a kiddush if I don't take that first bite.

Take it one day at a time.

BTW, what happened to your frum SSA friend?

Shabbat Shalom,

Alex

Thanks for your support Alex.

I found the same to be true for myself: if I start on the path, it's inevitable that I will fall, but if I don't start I cannot fall.

I haven't been talking to my SSA friend recently. Been very busy.
Maybe I'll start again.

Anyway,

Shabbat Shalom.

JB

i have ssa. I know how you feel. The taava is so strong when its there and then you split your life into two. Before it happened and after.

I have been clean now for many months now. You need to get angry at your self and tell your self you will never do it again. make a promise that "i will only do it after i leave the room and say 5 kapitlach tehillim. and if i do it without saying them, i will fast the next day. that helps

newavraham wrote on 29 Jan 2012 21:24:


Don't get angry at yourself. Does it help an alcoholic to get angry at himself? The Taphsic method is a very good idea though.

JB, keep up the good work!

Didn't read any posts for three days now. Not right now, either. It's the liberation I need right now to focus on taking a step back and letting go of some stuff, coming home for a while to rest.

Just to be polite to my sweet friends here, this is to report that b"H all is well but I am taking a break from the forum for a while to focus on my own recovery. I will be checking email for PMs, though. The forum is just too much time for me to handle time-wise, right now. Maybe for a few weeks, maybe a few months...no way to know, cuz it really is one day at a time. Love you!

Till then,

Dov

Dov, as they say in Arabic, Allah Ma'ak (Hashem should be with you).
I wish you all the best in your steps to a full and complete recovery. Just remember that where a ba'al yeshiva stands, a tzaddik cannot. You have true potential- go for it.

I thank everybody for diligently (even religiously, pun intended) following up on me and checking how everything is going.

I am one day clean (as of this morning). I have gone to the mikveh this morning. I am on the way to recovery. And yet, as I work on myself, I hesitate. I don't mean to cause any doubts, fears, and uneasy feelings in anyone. (Moderator, if you feel that these next comments are too much and will cause people to go off the derech, please delete them. I really just want to vent). I only wish to pose my own thoughts. I am an 18 year old male struggling with same-sex addiction. I don't know how treatable it is, and am afraid that I am making the wrong decision to try to cure it when I could be out there, the greatest and gayest liberal man possible. I could enjoy myself 1000 fold, and let myself completely go. I would lose my religiosity, yes, but I would gain a sense of self-esteem that I cannot detect in myself now. I am so emotional these days, and am prone to long hours spent scouring the low-lives of the internet to find a way to release pent-up emotion, only to find myself coming back only a day later, when the supposed emotion has not had time to pressurize. Sometimes, I truly feel that my SSA is only cured when acting out, because afterwards the guilt starts eating at me like I'm a tasty morsel. I know how to control myself only afterwards, and even now I feel the familiar twinge in my chest, telling me that even though this is assur, do it one last time before you completely block it off by adjusting your settings once again to narrow the gap through the K-9 and Norton filter. And while I can shrug off my desires, my body literally begs for me to act out, just once. And even though I feel terrible, I feel the need to somehow try to connect to the men I've been talking to, and with whom I have been plotting my downfall.

My head is spinning from all these thoughts. All these choices are driving me INSANE!

Can anybody relate?

JB

You might want to see this www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=4337.msg128142#msg128142 . 

You also might want to read and listen to Dr Sorotzkin here www.drsorotzkin.com/ .

There are many people with SSA here on GYE.  Hopefully, one of them will chime in.

There is a saying along the lines of "There is no problem for which acting out will not make it worse".  I realize you feel like you are dying, but giving in will not solve your problems. 

We all have "just-one-more-time-itis".  It's part of our addiction.

Have you posted how you are working on your recovery?

I wish you hatzlacha!