I am posting my story as a way of expression and as a plea for help.
If anybody has any ideas regarding what I can and should do, it would be highly appreciated.

It all started when I was thirteen years old. I didn't even know what masturbation was, but I did it anyway. I wasn't even old enough to release anything yet, and by the time I was, I had masturbated countless times. I was in a yeshivah where the kids were very open with each other, and would touch each other a lot, especially in private areas. I believe that is what prompted me to start masturbating. I did it anywhere I could, and I almost got caught in class once or twice. I finally realized at fourteen years old that I was doing something wrong, but it didn't feel wrong, so I continued. But something must be inherently wrong in the act, because I myself felt ashamed to do it in public. At fifteen years old, I finally tried stopping myself, and trying to make sure that I wouldn't fail. That ended in complete and utter failure. My first full week of sobriety was done on vacation, where I was fully and completely cut off from the internet, and was able to control myself to a certain extent. I realize now that I was deluding myself that I could continue it back at home, with full access to the internet. The worst part in all these falls was that they all dealt with not only porn, but gay porn. I had and have successfully deluded myself into thinking that I am attracted to men. At seventeen years old, I finally opened up to a close friend and found that he struggled from similar issues. I didn't tell him everything, but I told him a lot. I later found guardyoureyes, while searching for it for my cousin (who opened up to me about it), and signed up. I recently opened to a very close Rabbi of mine, who recommended guardyoureyes to me. I recently had my birthday and I am now a struggling eighteen year old amidst enormous problems.

I am now struggling to keep clean. Today is my second clean day, only kept that way because I have been in my family's and friends' companies the whole day. I have tried so much and it all seems to fail. I have enacted filters upon filters, and yet there is always one more way to access the bad sites. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that all the bachurim in my yeshivah are lovely guys who are so caring. I love each and every one of them, but sometimes I delude myself into thinking bad thoughts about them. But I know that I could never go that far in real life. I wouldn't allow myself to, because I am NOT gay. I believe the only reason I believe that is because I want to be able to look at women without feeling guilty about making an aveirah.

I plan on enacting the TaPhSiC method by making myself swear to open up to my Rabbi each time I act out.

My only issue now is that I need chizuk, guidance, motivation, and wake-up call (preferably someone to slap me across the face and yell at me).

Please help!!!

Helpless Jew Boy

P.S. By the way, yes, I am Sephardic.

Hashem Chasdecha Le'olam... Is right.

Where r u located?...    We don't need to slap u, u may be beating up your self enough already...
A good lag b'moer

Dear chaver,

Hoping this will be of some help for you:

You need some in-person, real-live friends with whom you can talk openly about this. Friends who are not just like you and flopping on their behinds but actually clean. Perhaps a good rebbi or other trusted adult. The significance of the homosexual lust is really irrelevant at this point...a red herring. Plenty normal guys get dragged into it once in shmutzy computerland just because it's forbidden and weird. It may or not mean anything about your true nature. Drop it for the next year - you will have to face that issue eventually, but for now worrying about it or denying are nothing but very bad distractions. You've got much bigger fish to fry.

Your story is so not-unique, it is amazing. You have a lot of friends. Start here and build your network as you go. You need a lot of chizzuk, friendship, and understanding.

Hashem will help you live as you know you should. It may take a little while, but - unlike you and I - He can do anything, and so can you if you are plugged into him instead of into schmutz and worrying about schmutz.

Stay here, buddy.

Hey Jewboy,

The first thing I would do is to sit down and make an HONEST list of all the reasons that cause you to act out. Then at least you'll know what to fight/avoid etc. After that, I suggest you read the Guard your eyes handbooks (available as pdfs on the site under the tools tab) to give you the mental tools to help you to break free. 

Secondly, the only real filters are ourselves. Initially they can help, but ultimately, we have to genuinely let go of lust. Sure, I love pretty girls and I always will, but I don't love the pain I get from lusting and then falling. I really don't think you're homosexual mate. Masturbation clouds one's thinking and fills your life with confusion.

Thirdly, we're always here on the forum to support you and answer (if we can) any questions that you may have.

Finally, the easiest way to escape the clutches of the addiction is to live right. Every time you feel the urge to act out, try and do something else that you like. Having a regular routine of exercise, the company of good friends and having direction and purpose in life makes you less vulnerable to restlessness, irritability and discontent (RID). So rid yourself of RID (bad pun intended lol).

Anyway have a good weekend and take it easy.......you can't move a mountain overnight. It takes time and patience.

BW,

DL 

dov wrote on 22 May 2011 06:08:


Dear Jewboy,

This is amazing advice.  Your heart and mind are completely in the right direction at the moment, and use this time now to seek real and professional guidance.  I have struggled with similar issues, at a similar age (or perhaps a bit younger).  I could not have changed without real support from real people, who have your very best interests at heart.

After my struggle with other guys was over (and Baruch Hashem, it really, truly is) I had a whole new struggle with women.  I'm winning that one, but only just.  Of course, things are wildly different for each person.  That your desire to change comes from your own volition is laudable - I needed a kick up the backside to get me changing.

On the issue of gay porn - don't worry too much, as Dov recommends.  In Halacha, we are instructed not to watch animals having sex, because it could turn us on.  What?  Normal healthy people would get turned on by...  animals having sex?  Well, yes.  Because many normal humans get turned on by pretty much anything sexual.  But it doesn't mean we are going to run off and have sex with animals.  You will find many of us pursue pornography of things we would never do ourselves.  And many of our fantasies are in the land of Fantasy, not things by which we define ourselves.

You were introduced to sexuality with and amongst males.  All your pursuit of gay porn means is that you find it relatable, and a trigger.  You might have a problem in this regard - I don't know.  Work on the acting out side first, and then see how you go.  At the moment, it's a pure distraction.  Given the story you told, my money is on you having a healthy sexual appetite underneath the schmutz

If you need a hand identifying the right type of real-life person in your life or immediate community, just ask on here - people can help.  And I cannot recommend it strongly enough.




Stay here, but for the right reasons.  Here, you'll get Chizuk, camaraderie and support - all of which will help immensely (I went through absolute hell, relatively on my own, at your age).  But you won't get true accountability, or a "cure".

The above advice covers all I would have said and more.  I had fantasies about things I would never do in real life.  And I would look at those fantasies and be disgusted with myself, thinking I must be a really bad or sick person.  But they were just fantasies, just my particular lust, my way of getting excited, my poison.  Your issues are quite common, but you will need help to rise above this.  And you will rise above this.

Alex

Thank you very much for all your help. As I've said before in my intro post, you guys have made me felt much more at home here.
One thing which really stood out was that I didn't realize how many people actually do suffer the same thing as I do. I thought it was rare, but man, was I wrong or what??
I thank you for all your help. I will keep posting for time to time with other related issues, but I now have a derech to go by, and that is all thanks to you guys.
With love to all you guys in GuardYourEyes but especially to Serene smile, dov, DesertLion, TheJester, and alexeliezer.
Again, thank you for your help.

Hopeful Jew Boy.

P.S. Serene smile, I am located in Brooklyn, NY.

helplessjewboy wrote on 22 May 2011 15:32:


It's not normal, and it's not healthy (although some professionals would tell you that it is healthy and good).  But that's not something to dwell upon.

It is extremely understandable behavior.  What is healthy is the changes that take place within us as we reach physical and sexual maturity.  What is extremely normal is the confusion we feel.  Just as people end up with hair in different places, and different body types, so too people develop sexually with their own "sexual" personality - some people will have strong urges, some will barely think about it.  Some people will have violent needs, others will have deep emotional needs - it's what makes us all different.

The most important thing is that it gets nurtured in the correct way.  This means a healthy environment, good information, good examples, and appropriate responses.  To a great extent, many of these environmental factors are outside of the control of most people.  This forum caters primarily to those who have been explorative and experimental.  There is also the other end of the spectrum - men who are sexually "vacant" or repressed to the point of being unable to have a relationship.  My point is that many people have challenges, of all sorts, because the environment in which they developed (or failed to develop) sexually did not encourage healthy growth.

This is not the only reason for deviations from healthy, normal and Torah-appropriate, but it would describe my situation and that of many people whom I know directly and personally.

It is evident from what you have written that you were left to develop in a less-than-ideal environment.  You got hooked on a "drug" before you knew it was dangerous, and played around with "dangerous" stuff as innocent recreation.  You did stuff that "felt good", and why not?  Especially if everyone else is doing it?

In the light of this, your current position makes perfect sense, and is a normal consequence of circumstances.  Not a healthy one, and perhaps you could have made different choices earlier, but where you are is incredibly understandable.

I'm sure that you can imagine similar, if not identical, events surrounding the lives of many young, frum gentlemen around the world.  I would not go so far as to say it is widespread, but it is certainly not "rare" or "quite uncommon", in my experience.

What is more interesting, though, is how people move on from this.  Some people get terribly damaged, and some are barely scathed.  Much of it depends on whether they get the right advice and attention.  For every boy who sees an experienced Rabbi or Torah-committed/friendly counselor, there will be one who reaches out to the wrong sort of community or therapist, who will do a great job of confusing the hell out of the poor kid.  There will also be one who goes nowhere, does nothing, keeps the guilt inside and explodes one day, possibly taking his family down with him (R"L).  Please, please don't be like that.

Keep us updated - not only will we be supportive towards you, but seeing you succeed in your struggle gives us Chizzuk, especially those of us who wish we had the sense to reach out and deal with things properly at your age.

Jester -

Incredible!

(You should change what it says under your username -you are obviously far from a fool!)

ben durdayah wrote on 23 May 2011 11:09:


...an unfortunately experienced fool

ben durdayah wrote on 23 May 2011 11:09:


I just had the same thought, this Jester guy is a recovery guru all on top of his culinary and medical advice elsewhere.  It's great to have you here.

Hey helpless(hopeful)jewboy: hope ur enjoying our schmoozing here.. We gotta let off steam with a smile too :-)wishing u smiles as well

You are fortunate to be intercepting and tackling this issue at an age when most men are gaining just enough freedom to really get entrenched.  You are also fortunate to have the guts to talk to a rav about it, and your friends.  I have no doubt you will overcome this, and come out into the sunshine a very desirable husband.

Thank you very much for your chizuk.
You have no true understanding of how deep I have tried to internalize your soothing and helpful words. TheJester, yYou make a great point, and I agree with you 100%.
It truly gives me hope when I find so many caring and sensitive people.
Thank you very much for all your help.

Unfortunately, I fell yesterday. It seems that I may be lured into it, but the final action is always MINE! I hate myself for it.
I went to my Rabbi and asked about the expert that he was consulting. He said that he would get back to me with more info and much more chizuk and hope. I hope I can stay clean till then.

Baruch Hashem, I feel better, happier, and cleaner. I prayed today and read the Torah, and I didn't feel as hypocritical as I normally would. Thank you for all your help.

I truly feel honored to be speaking to such great tzaddikim.

With Love,

Jew Boy

You obviously bounced right back up.  Hate the act, love yourself.  Yell at the Sutton next time he tries his dirty tricks.  Consider working the steps on your own until your expert help arrives.