Sunday, 09 August 2015

What are My Choices?

As the spouse of a sex addict, what are my choices?

Being in a relationship with a sex addict does bring up the question of do I stay or leave? These questions are legitimate. In this exercise, I want to expose you to some options you may or may not have thought of before.

1. Stay and stay sick - This option is taken by those who do not desire change or grow. Familiar, no matter how bad, is better than different, no matter how good. Those who take this option rarely consider what is familiar today will be a walk in the park compared to his continuing disease.

2. Stay and be uninvolved - It is his problem; he needs to recover; and, I don’t want or need to know anything.

3. Stay and be overinvolved - Tell him what to read, what therapist to see, what groups to go to and you’re putting more energy into his recovery than he is.

4. Stay and both recover - Both work their own recovery program. Both have support people,both work the steps, and, if therapy is needed for the marriage or either or both, they get it as soon as possible. This option has the highest success rate of couples staying married and having real intimacy.

5. Stay conditionally - State the boundaries or conditions you will stay in during the relationship. If these boundaries are violated or conditions not met, separate from each other until these conditions are met.

6. Divorce - Get a lawyer and leave.

The above are real choices that many women have already had to make. This choice is yours to make. This choice affects the rest of you and your family’s life. Give yourself time to think through this, and, if you need professional help with this, Miriam has seen many women through the choices they made. Discuss the choice from the above (or your own) options with your recovery group or coach.