"Levite" shares his story in more detail. (To see the full story, see his thread here).
... I got older and managed to find easy access to the net for my fix... This carried on until I was 18. I was hardly keeping anything at that point. I was in Israel, clubbing every night and still using p**n as my crutch and getting into deep trouble. I didn't actually do anything, but I saw rock-bottom before I hit it and I knew that I was screwing up my life.
Around that time, I met this wonderful guy that introduced me to the works of the great Chassidic master, my holy Rebbe, Reb Nachman of Breslov Zatzal, and I made a U-turn. Honestly, a U-turn isn't enough to describe what I did. It was more an O-turn. From the lowest place on earth, I came up to place that I only dream of today. I divined hours, learned Torah and Chassidus, and just felt so close to Hashem. I didn't fall for over 4 months at that time. I couldn't. I was getting my "fix" through dveykus to the holiest ideas. But I knew at the time that this feeling wouldn't last forever so I made a decision then, that no matter what, I'd always try again. This way, I could take my "peak" with me for life, so that whatever happened in the future - even if I did fall, I'd pick myself up again.
I fell on Sukkos 4 months later. I felt so bad, but thank G-d, I got back up straight afterwards. But from then on it went down, it became so hard. I was grasping at my new-found position in yiddishkeit, but with my last strengths. Two months later, I fell again and I called my mentor. Although I was very close to him, I had never divulged my personal details until that point, but then I told him what happened and I cried like I never did - before or after - in my life. He told me that Hashem sees my broken heart - "ki chol levovois doresh Hashem - for Hashem explores all hearts", and he told me to keep strong and pray right then, because when a person is at his lowest, Hashem is nearest. "Lev nishbor venidkeh eloikim loi tivzeh - a broken and suppressed heart G-d does not forsake".
I know this sounds crazy, but within a week I was engaged to be married to my wife - a top shidduch! To this day I can't believe it. Five months before my shidduch I was a guy in the lowest depths, and now such a shidduch!
I had a couple of falls later, but I kept myself up. I think that the biggest lesson that I got out of Reb Nachman's works is that no matter how many times you fall, try and try - and try again.
I got married and that's when the problems started again. I was very happy B"H, but once I had to be with my wife... as Chazal say, "there is a small limb in a man, if one feeds it, it is hungry, if one starves it, it is satiated"... I felt like I couldn't keep myself back and I started to fall again quite often. It broke me, and slowly it broke off bits of my warmth in yiddishkeit as well. I fell again and again and again, and no matter what I did or tried, I just went down!
I tried so many ways to stop, but having never looked at it as an addiction I kept falling through and being triggered by the smallest things. It broke me so much,"why cant I break free?!". Whenever I had five minutes of access to the net, I was on p**n. So I stopped using the net, but I still found it on my phone, so I stopped using my phone too. Then I found an internet shop for any excuse, and I was again on the p**n. I decided to have a PC at home that I could use for healthy purposes and there I could install a filter that worked (well, kind of), but Hashem decided that for the business I was in, I needed a phone with internet. So I continued falling, until one day while surfing online at onlysimchos.com (and looking where I shouldn't) I came across an ad for this site. And as soon as I came here, I knew I'd arrived!
Thanks for putting my story in the chizuk e-mail... BTW, those e-mails make my day, everyday! Today is day 10. You know it's interesting, I've stopped many times before and been clean for long stretches, but this time it's so different, especially since yesterday's e-mail where you discussed the question about "Lust in marriage". It really hit the nail on the head! I printed it out to read in depth, and it's given me a new perspective on life. I haven't got the words to express it yet, but I hope that I will in time. At the moment, I just feel elated!
A Few days ago, Levite posted something that we can all learn from:
I had a hard night last night so I said the teffilah of 'hareini moiser atzmi - I hereby give myself entirely over to you, G-d'. It's an idea that Reb Nachman suggests (see below). It's basically the same idea as they discuss in the 12 steps. I'm feeling better this morning! Hey, Rome wasn't built in one day... but I've got a feeling that Yerushalayim will be!
Sichos Hara"n: 2 (a translation):
"It is a very good idea for a person to throw himself into G-d's hands and to rely on Him. As soon as the day starts, I give over all the happenings of myself - and the people that are relying on me, to G-d, to do as His will sees fit.
And this is very good, for then one does not have to worry or question if he did right or not, for he is relying not on his judgement, but on G-d's impeccable judgement, and if G-d would want him to do different than what he is doing, he is ready to change according to the will of Hashem. And the same before Shabbos or Yom Tov, I give over all the happenings and all my doings of that Shabbos or Yom Tov to Hashem so that it should all be according to His will. And then, regardless of how he was on that Shabbos or Yom Tov, after he surrendered it all and relied on Hashem, he need not need worry at all about whether he succeeded entirely correctly in his upkeeping of these holy days"...